Why is it that we feel alone when we are in a group? Why is it that we can't seem to feel like we belong even though we laugh along with the jokes and act like we belong? Why is it so hard for us to know who we are?
That is something I have been struggling with. I have found that some things in my past have made me fight who I am. Honestly I am struggling with who I am… I know the right answers to give when people ask me, but do I really believe that?
This past summer I was in Africa with a great group. Well it was great to start. I loved my team but yet I felt so out of place, I didn't feel like I fit in anywhere. Looking back on it I still don't know where I fit in. And I am not saying this to say my team was bad. They all were amazing people. But I didn't see the part I played on the team. And that has been bugging me still today. I was out to dinner with a friend and she said something that has really hit home. She asked me if I found my identity in people coming to me to confide in. She also asked me if that is how I found my worth. If they didn't come to me I feel like I would be forgotten. She nailed it right on the head. I do find who I am in the fact that people can come to me. And I do feel forgotten by people who wouldn't really talk to me. And in Africa my team didn't come to me. It hurt me a lot. And it still does. I didn't feel like I had worth because I felt like no one trusted me. Who could I trust if I didn't feel trusted? I had people I could talk to, but not many would talk to me. It really does sting when that is how you have found your self worth. And mine was broken those 2 months. That has started to make me feel a bit insecure about the race though. If they didn't feel they could confide in me will my new team mates? Will I have value on the team? Will I feel as though I belong? I loved my team in Africa, and I know I will love my team on the race. But will I feel as though I am an important part of the team? My past insecurities about that are making it hard to feel confident in the fact that I have a place on the team. God is working in me to find other ways to feel my self worth. And I have been told that I am a brave and confident person. But what makes me brave and confident in myself, if I am still unsure of who I am. I just need help from God in figuring that out. And I know he is helping me but this is so hard. And I hope that I don't feel the same way. This is me being real with where I have been, and how I hope to grow. I don't want to feel as though I am alone again, even though there are people all around me.
