in japan, I let it all go. I threw them out into the river, and they were gone. there were so many things I had been holding onto. things I didn’t even realize. so many were faded, old faint scars of old wounds that I didn’t even feel anymore. it was as if I was numb to it all. but then something small would spark it, and there it was, a familiar and yet subtle old pain. a pain all too familiar like an old friend, yet not the kind I wanted to keep around.
I asked The Lord to take away the old and make it new. I asked him to take off my burdens a long time ago, to heal the wounds that plagued my childhood, and give me freedom from carrying them around. and he did. he is always faithful, and for years I haven’t carried them around. they were packaged away in old boxes and never thought of again. sometimes I would find myself hurting from the old pains that were packed away in those old boxes, things I no longer carried but things that sometimes still managed to creep their way back into my life. a faint, tinge of pain, like an old battle wound, a slight scar that flares up in certain weather, or a memory of a pain that you don’t feel because you’re too numb to it most of the time.
and I had felt numb to it all. I wasn’t sure why, but the things that should have upset me didn’t. I couldn’t cry. I didn’t feel like myself. I couldn’t let people in no matter how hard I tried. it was as if something was blocking the way.
a long time ago, I had asked The Lord what my heart was like- he told me it was like a giant majestic marble room, with open walls and pillars, made so strong and steady that absolutely nothing could shake the foundation. it was made to be open, and bright, with the sun shining in and the warm breeze coming through. it was white, pure white, and magnificent. fit for a king to live in- because that is where the king of kings lives. and it was made with open walls so many people would be able to come in. there would always be room for more.
but he had shown me that I had been living with my giant marble, open house all walled in. I shut the doors around the outside and allowed no light in, let the dust and dirt collect and told myself it was better if no one was allowed in the depths of it. I lived with the dirt and grime collected throughout my lifetime. my core was steady, my foundation immaculate and magnificent, yet I lived as though my heart’s home was a shack. The Lord cleared it out. he opened the windows and walls, let the sun in and cleaned out the cobwebs to return me to my former glory. I felt free and lovely.
yet something was still blocking my way.
in japan he showed me all the baggage and suitcases still inside my home. they were old, hadn’t been used in forever and covered in dust. they were piled ceiling high, and there were many things, but all things I didn’t carry around with me. He told me that he had taken the burdens away from me, I hadn’t carried them in years, but like a hoarder I had chosen to allow them to remain in my home. they were in the way, and I could stumble over them no longer. they blocked the door to let people in, and it was time for them to go.
so I went with my co-leaders to the river near our house in japan. I asked if we could pray and sing, and then I let them all out. god aired the dirty laundry hidden within those suitcases of my heart. the ones I hadn’t carried, but constantly tripped over when certain things came up. he brought each small instance, each little painful memory of my childhood, my parents, my sisters, my friends, my emotional pains to the surface as if opening each suitcase and meticulously one by one showing me each little thing within each bag. each one I mourned over. each one I shed a tear for. each one I let myself finally say how much it hurt, how much it had wounded my heart and though my foundation secure and steady, and though I didn’t actually daily carry around the pains, I was finally able to voice to myself, once and for all how much the little things hurt when they were piled high in the storage of my heart.
each one I wrote onto a rock. each one I grieved. each one I prayed over.
and each one I let sink into the river.
god cleaned the suitcases one by one out of my heart. and my heart-house looks absolutely beautiful. no baggage. no storage. no walls or dirt and grime. just a beautiful, peaceful, bright white, warm sunny and glowing marble mansion. I forgave for real and now I know the old is gone. not even a hint of a scar.
sometimes we carry around unnecessary baggage. sometimes we don’t carry it, but we let it pile up inside. and sometimes, we can choose to really let it go. take it to the lord, ask for complete newness and let it go.
and sometimes, just sometimes, he answers with newness. like he did for me. the thing that hurt most in my life, the relationship that so strained and pained me for years took a turn for the best. the thing I had always wanted, and prayed for and hoped for finally brought a silver lining. the lord brings healing. the lord brings hope. and the lord brings redemption and new beginnings because he is faithful.
yeah, I would say he loves me a lot. he loves us all a lot.
the old lies are gone, cast to the depths of the river and I am renewed with truth. I am worth it. I am worth time. I am worth life. I am worth going out of the way and a little life inconvenience. I am worth asking about, and worth listening to. I am worth giving it all. I AM WORTH THE PURSUIT.
and I am pursued by the One who loves us all.
