b r o k e n
bro·ken /’brok?n/
adjective
1. having been fractured or damaged and no longer in one piece
2. having breaks or gaps in continuity
if only you could’ve seen me attempting to take the “perfect” picture of something imperfect. The imagery found in a usable, yet broken object seemed too good not to share-yet I fell into the trap myself.
I’ve been reflecting on image a lot recently-specifically how we present ourselves to each other. We may choose not to go to the dinner party until we have our hair and make up done, skip the beach trip because we aren’t swimsuit ready, and even stay away from church because we don’t feel ‘spiritual enough’. We place such an emphasis on having an aesthetic Instagram feed, a Pinterest-worthy home, and ultimately a life without flaws.
But how much room do we leave for authenticity? For struggling and striving? For growing and changing? For refinement and sanctification? How much room do we leave for the holiness of Christ?
Y’all, I don’t know about you, but I am broken. I sleep in and have unproductive days. I lose my temper and argue with my mom. I fall into gossip all too easily. I eat too many bowls of ice cream and often feel sick because of it (might still be worth it though). I drink out of broken coffee mugs and half my dishes don’t even match, but that is REAL. This is authenticity. The beauty of my brokenness is that it points to my need of Jesus. In Christ I am whole, I am made new, I am usable and equipped for whatever the Lord calls me to. Not because of who I am, but simply because of who He is.
I don’t have it all together and quite frankly I probably have more things ‘in process’ than I have together. But Jesus is not concerned with me having it together. He doesn’t ask for my put-together, swimsuit-ready, Pinterest-worthy, self. He just asks for my heart. My authentic, raw, honest heart.
While the rest of the world says “come put together” Jesus says “come as you are” And, so will I- Come as you are, friend. Your brokenness is welcome here.
Not only have I come to grips with my own brokenness as of recent, but I have realized that Jesus sometimes breaks things (with the utmost love) because He simply knows what is best. And, in the most fortunate unfortunate way, He has graciously broken my plans.
…
Since 2014, my heart has felt a deep longing to go on the World Race. What started off as a distant dream with little to no feasibility has evolved into an unshakable, unquenchable desire. Many of you are familiar with my WR journey over the years but some of you may not be. For those that are just hearing about this-I was supposed to leave the country for a year long mission trip last month. Adventures in Missions, the organization responsible for the World Race, was forced to make a difficult decision and defer the August and October 2020 launch periods due to the uncertainty surrounding the coronavirus.
This left me with a decision to make:
- Choose to cancel my trip altogether and not go on the World Race at all
- Defer to the January 2021 route with hopes of launching internationally to 4 ‘hub’ regions
- Defer to August 2021 or January 2022 with a higher likelihood of launching internationally
If you refer to my earlier post you would see that I had chosen option #2. However, some unforeseen circumstances have caused me to choose again. I have recently quit my job in Chattanooga, TN and am now living in Richmond, VA to work full time as a travel nurse. Additionally, new familial challenges are requiring my presence and the Lord has made it clear that January is not the time I am to leave. My heart breaks thinking about my original squad going to training camp in just two weeks knowing that I won’t be there with them to prepare for launch in January. But I have such peace about my decision to travel nurse and be close to my family for the time being.
With all that being said- I have decided to defer my launch date and will be leaving for the World Race in August of 2021.
Y’all my flesh has been WRESTLING with this decision. And you know the honest truth as to why it was so difficult? Image. My mind was racing with questions rooted in insecurity. What are people going to think? What if people see me as non-committal? Will people judge me for pushing it off an entire year? Are people going to wish they never donated because I am now seen as unreliable? What if something happens between now and next August and I have to cancel the Race altogether?
What if my authentic, raw, honest heart is shown and people don’t like it? Will they think I’m… broken?
Jesus is so patient and kind even when I doubt. He has sat beside me in all of this and continued to gently remind me that my worth is found in Him alone. That my heart is seen and known by Him. That the world certainly may choose to take a look at my authentic heart and disregard it, but that He doesn’t. He knows the numbers of hairs on my head and He loves without condition. He has called me to the World Race, of that I am confident. And I trust in His timing and His goodness.
So, yes, even my World Race journey is broken. It has had several gaps in its continuity, but it is surely usable by the Creator of the Universe. And you know what? The ‘brokenness’ displayed here only points to the holiness of the God we serve. After many decisions, many challenges, many changes, many disappointments, and many to come-the Lord is still sending me on the World Race and for that I am grateful.
