Preface: I have had this post on my heart for the last few weeks but haven’t had the chance to get it posted. I just arrived home from training camp this evening and hope to be writing an update on that within the next week. I hope this post will whet your appetite!
Dear Naomi,
My heart hurts for you as you go through this struggle. There is much to unpack in the message you sent me; I don’t think I’m going to do it justice. It all probably feels like everything you’re going through is one big issue that can’t possibly be solved, but it’s really lots of little ones that, when broken into little pieces, I hope will soon seem manageable.
I think the biggest thing that hit me was the last part of your note:
I try so hard, but is there still something wrong with me or how I live that keeps him away? I don’t know if it’s my fault, what I’ve done wrong or how to fix it.
I don’t know the innermost beliefs that you have, and I can’t be the one that tells you straight up that what you believe isn’t true. I can only tell you what I believe.
I believe that it is by grace you have been saved through faith. This is not by any of your own doing, it is the gift of God, not a result of works — so that no one can boast (Eph 2:8-9). Yet, we know that a person is not justified by works of the law but through faith in Jesus Christ (Gal 2:16). For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God (Rom 3:23).
I believe that I will never be good enough for God. If I could ever become “good enough,” I wouldn’t have needed Jesus Christ to die on the cross for my sins. MY sins.
He died on the cross for ME. I put him there. Yes, he died for you, he died for my parents, he died for the world. Sometimes it’s easier to see that other people are special, that other people may have deserved the sacrifice on the cross — but for me? For He created MY inward parts. He wove ME in my mother’s womb. I am fearfully and wonderfully made. (Psalm 139:13-14, Jer 1:5) The crazy thing to believe is that while he chose to do all of this, he knew what my failures would be. He knows my faults. He knew he would have to send His SON to die for ME.
But, if I confess my sins and repent, he is faithful and just to forgive me, and will cleanse me from all unrighteousness (1 John 1:9, Rom 10:9). He will wash me white as snow. He is my Advocate. He is standing before the Father right now — at this VERY moment — advocating for you. God, the Judge, has a list of all of our sins. Satan, the Prosecutor, boasts as he goes through the list. Laughs — “She’s mine, certainly…” Jesus calmly walks up to the stand and says, It is COVERED.
I felt this was so simply said in Francis Chan’s book,
Multiply,
“Part of our repentance is to turn from believing that there’s anything we can do to save ourselves–for everything was accomplished by Jesus Christ.”
He wants so badly to give me the desires of my heart, but he knows the perfect timing for which I will 1) accept it as a true gift, and 2) treat it as a priceless gift.
So, while that is one side of the coin. The other side is Satan. Oh man, he … let’s just say, he isn’t original. Do you notice how people always struggle with the same old thing? Sometimes it’s really annoying. HE’s really annoying. But what’s more annoying is when it takes me a while to realize it. He may be clever. But the Father of Lies is not original. A friend sent this to me:
One of the common means by which Satan works to pull us away from God is through a combination of guilt and materialism. First, he throws guilt in our faces to the point where we feel unworthy of a genuine relationship with God, then there is this empty void in our lives that must be filled… So along comes materialism, a means to attempt to fill the void. It could be money, book reading, television watching, sports, etc. If it’s trying to fill a void in your life that should be filled with a genuine relationship with God, then something is wrong!
Precious daughter, please remember, I will be your God throughout your lifetime — until your hair is white with age. I made you, and I will care for you. I will carry you along and save you. (Isaiah 46:4)
