I got scammed.
Ugh. That's hard to say… but I did.
Squad leading has definitely had its joys and challenges. This particular night at debrief I would have to label as a challenge…
As a squad leader, one of our responsibilities is to plan debrief. Debrief is a time where the whole squad comes together for rest and rejuvenation and also to see others on the squad that they don't normally get to see. There are many God stories swapped between racers and a ton of fun. Each team has a time for what we call a team debrief. The team meets with the 3 squad leaders, the squad mentor, and the squad coaches. We talk about about the past couple months, how they are doing, what God has been doing, team struggles, and speak some life and encouragement into each of them. There is also time for one-on-ones and sessions to direct the squad and call them into greatness. You could almost call it a "reset" for the squad. It's an evaluation and reflection over the past couple months and a space to set new goals and vision for the next period of time. We can also make team and leadership changes at this time.
So you can see there are many pieces and planning that is put into debrief. For some of the logistical details, we enlisted the help of a tour guide (let's call him Bob) in Antigua. Bob helped us stay within budget as we made plans to have debrief at the beach! Long story short, we found bugs, cockroaches, ants, etc. in some of the rooms upon arrival and decided to switch lodging on the second night. When getting our refund for the remaining nights that we were not staying there, we found about $250 was missing. After discussing and negociating (arguing) for about 2 hours with Bob, we accepted that we were not going to receive the full refund back. Not only had he taken money off the top, but even asked for more money, fuIly believing he deserved it! I'm leaving out many smaller details for clarity and time's sake, but I cannot convey to you the weight of frustration and defeat that was felt by the leadership team in that moment. We came back to our room and the stress was finally released through tears. Feeling manipulated, deceived, stressed out, and completely defeated, we were at our wit's end.
I understand it can be easy to get tunnel vision on the World Race and blow up a small situation, but everything that was subconsciously happening in my heart and mind were very real. It was our squad coach, Chris, who really brought things back into perspective. Shortly after Bob left, Chris came into our room, looked around, and asked, "Why are you guys upset?" Our responses were similar to, "We messed up." and "We lost."
Chris went on to say, "As far as I'm concerned, y'all won." We were obviously confused and he continued to explain that yeah, we had made a mistake, but we still got most of the refund back. Maybe things didn't turn out exactly how we wanted, but we got to see how far we were willing to fight for our squad. The lessons and things we learned were far more valuable than any amount of money we had lost. We had a good, successful debrief with the budget that was given to us. We all were able to see the love and passion that each of us has for this squad in action. We got to see the physical representation of how we fight for the racers on this squad on an emotional and spiritual level.
To be honest it was the blow to my pride that hurt the most. I had messed up. I had made a mistake and it was staring me in the face. I had let others down (my perception) and I had not performed well as a squad leader (again, my perception). Ultimately, I was allowing my worth to come into question. A few days later I walked through some inner healing with a friend of mine through AIM. Through some listening prayer and asking the Lord what He wanted to speak to me through this, God hit me with some revelation. And it stung a bit. Here's what I received…
I am Bob. God put me in his shoes. No, I'm not a literal scam artist, but I do seek/take affirmation, acceptance, and approval from others through what I do rather than gracefully receiving it from God because of who I am. We wanted to bless (tip) Bob out of a grateful heart for being so helpful and making the whole debrief process as smooth as possible. He wasn't in a place to receive that blessing anymore because he had already taken it from us without our knowledge. God has already and is constantly giving me his complete acceptance and approval, but I was not in a place to receive it because I was taking it from other places. Just like Bob.
I am the real scam artist.
Here I am fighting for all these things that Christ has already fully given to me without conditions or limitations. The kicker is that I thought these were lessons and truths that I had already learned and had a good handle on. There's always more. God will never stop teaching and revealing, and I will never stop learning and growing. And that's okay with me.
"If I have you and nothing else, I have
e v e r y t h i n g."
Kayla
All that being said, I am still about $2800 away from my fundraising goal. I am so grateful to everyone who has walked through this past year with me and has provided prayerfully and financially for this journey in obedience and growth. I ask that you prayerfully consider with the Lord if and how He would have you invest in my life. Whether through words of encouragement, prayer, donation, or anything I haven't thought of, I would sincerely appreciate and love any and all support. Thank you again!!
