Next thing I know, I find myself sitting on a table in front of 44 of my squad mates, crying and confessing the lies I had allowed myself to believe for the past 3 months. Three months of putting on a “Kayla is happy” mask. But, no more… Now, I am looking for freedom!
It all started back in Vietnam… three months ago. As soon as we got there, it was like a switch went off inside of me. My normal extroverted self… A person who loves being around people, so much so that I struggle to find time to rest and spend time with the Lord… disappeared.
We were in a new, exciting place… Yet, I would rather not leave the room. And even more than that, I would rather not hang out with anyone except Ryan and Thomas (my fellow squad leaders).
This was not me and I knew it. It frustrated me to be feeling this way. But, I didn’t know why…
In my mind, I guess I justified it as a result of leaving Cambodia.
I did not journal at all in Nam, but I wrote one page at the end of the month. This is how it started…
“Nam was a rough month for me… Spiritually, physically, and emotionally. I have best described it as the time I was walking through the ‘desert.’ I was searching for the water I needed, but couldn’t find it. It was really hard to leave Cambodia… A place where I walked in joy every day… A place I loved… People I loved. Somewhere in the transition, everything changed. My time with Jesus stopped. The one thing that would fill my cup… I didn’t do it. And honestly, I lost the desire to.
I don’t want to look back at Nam and regret any of it. But, I do wish I could do it all again and do it differently. I want to do it with joy.”
Vietnam came and went. The whole month I struggled. I didn’t want to be around people.
The problem… these feelings carried over into Malaysia… and then, Kenya.
Kenya… my favorite place in the world. While Cambodia has been my favorite place on the Race, Kenya is still my favorite country in the world so far!
Talk about frustrating. This is a place I have been waiting this entire trip to get back to. A place that has had my heart for the past three years. Yet, where is my joy? Where is my heart? Why am I not excited like I expected to be?
So here it is… the end of our month in Kenya and the squad is meeting up for a debrief. We have staff, Noe and Mark, and our previous squad leaders, Mike and Stacey, flying out to be with us. This is exciting! Our debrief after month 4 was amazing! And, I have expectations of this one being even better!
But deep down, why am I not excited? Why am I sitting over here alone, while Ryan and Thomas are out greeting the squads as they arrive? Why do I continue to sit here looking down at my Bible, pretending I do not notice the teams are arriving?
In that moment, I really started to question myself. Where has my joy gone? Am I burnt out? Am I tired of being here?
The answer… No. Of course I want to be here. Honestly though, it is not the same when I am lacking joy and the heart I started this trip with.
What is wrong with me?
God answered that question within the next four days…
Over the course of debrief, I was an emotional wreck! I cried every day, multiple times a day.
Noe and Mark had both talked to the squad about how messiness is good. And as much as I hated it, they were right.
The mess I was walking through was healing. It was bringing up the answers to all of those questions.
I had lost myself. My identity. The person I am. That is what happened.
I took this role as squad leader hesitantly at first. As I talked about in a blog from months ago… everything about squad leading was out of my comfort zone. But, God gave me so much confirmation that this is where I was supposed to be. He gave me confidence to take the role… and that is the confidence I had tried to walk in.
Somewhere along the way though, I lost who I was. The role took over the person I was. It took over my identity.
I was no longer Kayla. I was a “squad leader.” In my mind, that was what people saw me as.
The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy – John 10:10
And that is exactly what I allowed him to do… to steal the truth, kill my joy, and destroy my identity.
I allowed him to walk all over me. To make me feel inadequate as a squad leader. To bring to my mind all of the things I have done wrong over these past four months. To bring these about as failures and not experiences to learn from. To make me feel like the squad only saw me for my failures. To make me feel like I am only seen as a squad leader by everyone on the squad… and not seen as a friend.
These thoughts destroyed me. They sucked me in.
But, the second part of John 10:10 brings life!
I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.
There is freedom in Christ. Freedom in shaking the lies of the enemy and walking in the truth of who I am and who God created me to be. Truth in knowing that we all make mistakes, but we ARE NOT defined by those. Truth in knowing that there is grace and forgiveness. Truth in knowing that He does not give up on us.
And so… that is how I found myself in this scenario…
Sitting on a table in front of 44 of my squad mates, crying and confessing the lies I had allowed myself to believe for the past 3 months. Three months of putting on a “Kayla is happy” mask.
I honestly do not remember what I said. I just remember sitting on that table, crying to the squad, revealing my heart, talking about how I felt like there were so many expectations on me that I could not fulfill, and also apologizing for the mistakes I have made along the way.
It was so freeing!
There is this lie that leaders often believe… They think that they cannot be honest. They think that they should always have everything together and be doing great. In reality, we all know that is not the case.
I am walking through this journey just like the rest of the squad. I started this out with them 8 months ago. But, I didn’t feel like I could ever talk about how I truly felt… and so, I didn’t.
That was just another lie of the enemy telling me that I couldn’t talk about it…
We know that the law is spiritual; but I am unspiritual, sold as a slave to sin. I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate to do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do- this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.
This is from Romans 7. It is Paul being real… Being honest… Being vulnerable.
Paul was a leader, and I am sure it was hard for him to admit his struggles… But, he did it.
If we chose to walk through our struggles alone… We are choosing to allow Satan to have a hold on us. When we are silent, that is when he can feed us lie after lie… That is what I allowed him to do.
The thought has constantly crossed my mind on this journey… Am I ever going to walk through brokenness during this? I know I have been changed and am continuing to be… but is the Lord ever going to just break me?
Well I found me answer… Yes. I have been broken for months and just didn’t know it.
I read an article online today. It said… “Transparency is removing the mask and revealing who you really are; it is getting beyond the surface to what is really going on in your heart.”
Thank you to my squad, Noe, Mark, Stacey, and Mike for walking me through my messiness. For allowing me to be transparent and real. Thank you for investing in me and fighting for me!
I am so blessed to have B Squad! To have a group of amazing brothers and sisters who I can be transparent with! A group that shows grace and brings freedom! As I sat there, hurting and overwhelmed, in front of them, sharing my heart… I received nothing but grace and encouragement in return. I love this group! I love my squad! I can’t imagine being on this journey without them!
Wobulenzi
Next thing I know, I find myself sitting on a table in front of 44 of my squad mates, crying and confessing the lies I had allowed myself to believe for the past 3 months. Three months of putting on a “Kayla is happy” mask. But, no more… Now, I am looking for freedom!
It all started back in Vietnam… three months ago. As soon as we got there, it was like a switch went off inside of me. My normal extroverted self… A person who loves being around people, so much so that I struggle to find time to rest and spend time with the Lord… disappeared.
We were in a new, exciting place… Yet, I would rather not leave the room. And even more than that, I would rather not hang out with anyone except Ryan and Thomas (my fellow squad leaders).
This was not me and I knew it. It frustrated me to be feeling this way. But, I didn’t know why…
In my mind, I guess I justified it as a result of leaving Cambodia.
I did not journal at all in Nam, but I wrote one page at the end of the month. This is how it started…
“Nam was a rough month for me… Spiritually, physically, and emotionally. I have best described it as the time I was walking through the ‘desert.’ I was searching for the water I needed, but couldn’t find it. It was really hard to leave Cambodia… A place where I walked in joy every day… A place I loved… People I loved. Somewhere in the transition, everything changed. My time with Jesus stopped. The one thing that would fill my cup… I didn’t do it. And honestly, I lost the desire to.
I don’t want to look back at Nam and regret any of it. But, I do wish I could do it all again and do it differently. I want to do it with joy.”
Vietnam came and went. The whole month I struggled. I didn’t want to be around people.
The problem… these feelings carried over into Malaysia… and then, Kenya.
Kenya… my favorite place in the world. While Cambodia has been my favorite place on the Race, Kenya is still my favorite country in the world so far!
Talk about frustrating. This is a place I have been waiting this entire trip to get back to. A place that has had my heart for the past three years. Yet, where is my joy? Where is my heart? Why am I not excited like I expected to be?
So here it is… the end of our month in Kenya and the squad is meeting up for a debrief. We have staff, Noe and Mark, and our previous squad leaders, Mike and Stacey, flying out to be with us. This is exciting! Our debrief after month 4 was amazing! And, I have expectations of this one being even better!
But deep down, why am I not excited? Why am I sitting over here alone, while Ryan and Thomas are out greeting the squads as they arrive? Why do I continue to sit here looking down at my Bible, pretending I do not notice the teams are arriving?
In that moment, I really started to question myself. Where has my joy gone? Am I burnt out? Am I tired of being here?
The answer… No. Of course I want to be here. Honestly though, it is not the same when I am lacking joy and the heart I started this trip with.
What is wrong with me?
God answered that question within the next four days…
Over the course of debrief, I was an emotional wreck! I cried every day, multiple times a day.
Noe and Mark had both talked to the squad about how messiness is good. And as much as I hated it, they were right.
The mess I was walking through was healing. It was bringing up the answers to all of those questions.
I had lost myself. My identity. The person I am. That is what happened.
I took this role as squad leader hesitantly at first. As I talked about in a blog from months ago… everything about squad leading was out of my comfort zone. But, God gave me so much confirmation that this is where I was supposed to be. He gave me confidence to take the role… and that is the confidence I had tried to walk in.
Somewhere along the way though, I lost who I was. The role took over the person I was. It took over my identity.
I was no longer Kayla. I was a “squad leader.” In my mind, that was what people saw me as.
The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy – John 10:10
And that is exactly what I allowed him to do… to steal the truth, kill my joy, and destroy my identity.
I allowed him to walk all over me. To make me feel inadequate as a squad leader. To bring to my mind all of the things I have done wrong over these past four months. To bring these about as failures and not experiences to learn from. To make me feel like the squad only saw me for my failures. To make me feel like I am only seen as a squad leader by everyone on the squad… and not seen as a friend.
These thoughts destroyed me. They sucked me in.
But, the second part of John 10:10 brings life!
I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.
There is freedom in Christ. Freedom in shaking the lies of the enemy and walking in the truth of who I am and who God created me to be. Truth in knowing that we all make mistakes, but we ARE NOT defined by those. Truth in knowing that there is grace and forgiveness. Truth in knowing that He does not give up on us.
And so… that is how I found myself in this scenario…
Sitting on a table in front of 44 of my squad mates, crying and confessing the lies I had allowed myself to believe for the past 3 months. Three months of putting on a “Kayla is happy” mask.
I honestly do not remember what I said. I just remember sitting on that table, crying to the squad, revealing my heart, talking about how I felt like there were so many expectations on me that I could not fulfill, and also apologizing for the mistakes I have made along the way.
It was so freeing!
There is this lie that leaders often believe… They think that they cannot be honest. They think that they should always have everything together and be doing great. In reality, we all know that is not the case.
I am walking through this journey just like the rest of the squad. I started this out with them 8 months ago. But, I didn’t feel like I could ever talk about how I truly felt… and so, I didn’t.
That was just another lie of the enemy telling me that I couldn’t talk about it…
We know that the law is spiritual; but I am unspiritual, sold as a slave to sin. I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate to do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do- this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.
This is from Romans 7. It is Paul being real… Being honest… Being vulnerable.
Paul was a leader, and I am sure it was hard for him to admit his struggles… But, he did it.
If we chose to walk through our struggles alone… We are choosing to allow Satan to have a hold on us. When we are silent, that is when he can feed us lie after lie… That is what I allowed him to do.
The thought has constantly crossed my mind on this journey… Am I ever going to walk through brokenness during this? I know I have been changed and am continuing to be… but is the Lord ever going to just break me?
Well I found me answer… Yes. I have been broken for months and just didn’t know it.
I read an article online today. It said… “Transparency is removing the mask and revealing who you really are; it is getting beyond the surface to what is really going on in your heart.”
Thank you to my squad, Noe, Mark, Stacey, and Mike for walking me through my messiness. For allowing me to be transparent and real. Thank you for investing in me and fighting for me!
I am so blessed to have B Squad! To have a group of amazing brothers and sisters who I can be transparent with! A group that shows grace and brings freedom! As I sat there, hurting and overwhelmed, in front of them, sharing my heart… I received nothing but grace and encouragement in return. I love this group! I love my squad! I can’t imagine being on this journey without them!
Wobulenzi
Next thing I know, I find myself sitting on a table in front of 44 of my squad mates, crying and confessing the lies I had allowed myself to believe for the past 3 months.
Three months of putting on a “Kayla is happy” mask.
But, no more… Now, I am looking for freedom!
Three months of putting on a “Kayla is happy” mask.
But, no more… Now, I am looking for freedom!
It all started back in Vietnam… three months ago. As soon as we got there, it was like a switch went off inside of me. My normal extroverted self… A person who loves being around people, so much so that I struggle to find time to rest and spend time with the Lord… disappeared.
We were in a new, exciting place… Yet, I would rather not leave the room. And even more than that, I would rather not hang out with anyone except Ryan and Thomas (my fellow squad leaders).
This was not me and I knew it. It frustrated me to be feeling this way. But, I didn’t know why…
In my mind, I guess I justified it as a result of leaving Cambodia.
I did not journal at all in Nam, but I wrote one page at the end of the month. This is how it started…
“Nam was a rough month for me… Spiritually, physically, and emotionally. I have best described it as the time I was walking through the ‘desert.’ I was searching for the water I needed, but couldn’t find it. It was really hard to leave Cambodia… A place where I walked in joy every day… A place I loved… People I loved. Somewhere in the transition, everything changed. My time with Jesus stopped. The one thing that would fill my cup… I didn’t do it. And honestly, I lost the desire to.
I don’t want to look back at Nam and regret any of it. But, I do wish I could do it all again and do it differently. I want to do it with joy.”
Vietnam came and went. The whole month I struggled. I didn’t want to be around people.
The problem… these feelings carried over into Malaysia… and then, Kenya.
Kenya… my favorite place in the world. While Cambodia has been my favorite place on the Race, Kenya is still my favorite country in the world so far!
Talk about frustrating. This is a place I have been waiting this entire trip to get back to. A place that has had my heart for the past three years. Yet, where is my joy? Where is my heart? Why am I not excited like I expected to be?
So here it is… the end of our month in Kenya and the squad is meeting up for a debrief. We have staff, Noe and Mark, and our previous squad leaders, Mike and Stacey, flying out to be with us. This is exciting! Our debrief after month 4 was amazing! And, I have expectations of this one being even better!
But deep down, why am I not excited? Why am I sitting over here alone, while Ryan and Thomas are out greeting the squads as they arrive? Why do I continue to sit here looking down at my Bible, pretending I do not notice the teams are arriving?
In that moment, I really started to question myself.
Where has my joy gone?
Am I burnt out?
Am I tired of being here?
The answer… No.
Of course I want to be here. Honestly though, it is not the same when I am lacking joy and the heart I started this trip with.
What is wrong with me?
God answered that question within the next four days…
Over the course of debrief, I was an emotional wreck! I cried every day, multiple times a day.
Noe and Mark had both talked to the squad about how messiness is good. And as much as I hated it, they were right.
The mess I was walking through was healing. It was bringing up the answers to all of those questions.
I had lost myself.
My identity.
The person I am.
That is what happened.
I took this role as squad leader hesitantly at first. As I talked about in a blog from months ago… everything about squad leading was out of my comfort zone. But, God gave me so much confirmation that this is where I was supposed to be. He gave me confidence to take the role… and that is the confidence I had tried to walk in.
Somewhere along the way though, I lost who I was. The role took over the person I was. It took over my identity.
I was no longer Kayla. I was a “squad leader.” In my mind, that was what people saw me as.
The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy – John 10:10
And that is exactly what I allowed him to do…
to steal the truth,
kill my joy,
and destroy my identity.
I allowed him to walk all over me. To make me feel inadequate as a squad leader. To bring to my mind all of the things I have done wrong over these past four months. To bring these about as failures and not experiences to learn from. To make me feel like the squad only saw me for my failures. To make me feel like I am only seen as a squad leader by everyone on the squad… and not seen as a friend.
These thoughts destroyed me. They sucked me in.
But, the second part of John 10:10 brings life!
I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.
There is freedom in Christ. Freedom in shaking the lies of the enemy and walking in the truth of who I am and who God created me to be. Truth in knowing that we all make mistakes, but we ARE NOT defined by those. Truth in knowing that there is grace and forgiveness. Truth in knowing that He does not give up on us.
And so… that is how I found myself in this scenario…
Sitting on a table in front of 44 of my squad mates, crying and confessing the lies I had allowed myself to believe for the past 3 months. Three months of putting on a “Kayla is happy” mask.
I honestly do not remember what I said. I just remember sitting on that table, crying to the squad, revealing my heart, talking about how I felt like there were so many expectations on me that I could not fulfill, and also apologizing for the mistakes I have made along the way.
It was so freeing to just get it out there and say how I have been feeling!
There is this lie that leaders often believe… They think that they cannot be honest. They think that they should always have everything together and be doing great. In reality, we all know that is not the case.
I am walking through this journey just like the rest of the squad. I started this out with them 8 months ago.
But, I didn’t feel like I could ever talk about how I truly felt… and so, I didn’t.
That was just another lie of the enemy telling me that I couldn’t talk about it…
We know that the law is spiritual; but I am unspiritual, sold as a slave to sin. I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate to do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do- this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.
This is from Romans 7. It is Paul being real… Being honest… Being vulnerable.
Paul was a leader, and I am sure it was hard for him to admit his struggles… But, he did it.
If we chose to walk through our struggles alone… We are choosing to allow Satan to have a hold on us.
When we are silent, that is when he can feed us lie after lie… That is what I allowed him to do.
The thought has constantly crossed my mind on this journey… Am I ever going to walk through brokenness during this? I know I have been changed and am continuing to be… but is the Lord ever going to just break me?
Well I found me answer… Yes. I have been broken for months and just didn’t know it.
I read an article online today. It said… “Transparency is removing the mask and revealing who you really are; it is getting beyond the surface to what is really going on in your heart.”
Thank you to my squad, Thomas, Ryan, Noe, Mark, Stacey, and Mike for walking me through my messiness. For allowing me to be transparent and real. Thank you for investing in me and fighting for me!
I am so blessed to have B Squad! To have a group of amazing brothers and sisters who I can be transparent with! A group that shows grace and brings freedom! As I sat there, hurting and overwhelmed, in front of them, sharing my heart… I received nothing but grace and encouragement in return.
I love this group! I love my squad! I can’t imagine being on this journey without them!
Next thing I know, I find myself sitting on a table in front of 44 of my squad mates, crying and confessing the lies I had allowed myself to believe for the past 3 months. Three months of putting on a “Kayla is happy” mask. But, no more… Now, I am looking for freedom!
It all started back in Vietnam… three months ago. As soon as we got there, it was like a switch went off inside of me. My normal extroverted self… A person who loves being around people, so much so that I struggle to find time to rest and spend time with the Lord… disappeared.
We were in a new, exciting place… Yet, I would rather not leave the room. And even more than that, I would rather not hang out with anyone except Ryan and Thomas (my fellow squad leaders).
This was not me and I knew it. It frustrated me to be feeling this way. But, I didn’t know why…
In my mind, I guess I justified it as a result of leaving Cambodia.
I did not journal at all in Nam, but I wrote one page at the end of the month. This is how it started…
“Nam was a rough month for me… Spiritually, physically, and emotionally. I have best described it as the time I was walking through the ‘desert.’ I was searching for the water I needed, but couldn’t find it. It was really hard to leave Cambodia… A place where I walked in joy every day… A place I loved… People I loved. Somewhere in the transition, everything changed. My time with Jesus stopped. The one thing that would fill my cup… I didn’t do it. And honestly, I lost the desire to.
I don’t want to look back at Nam and regret any of it. But, I do wish I could do it all again and do it differently. I want to do it with joy.”
Vietnam came and went. The whole month I struggled. I didn’t want to be around people.
The problem… these feelings carried over into Malaysia… and then, Kenya.
Kenya… my favorite place in the world. While Cambodia has been my favorite place on the Race, Kenya is still my favorite country in the world so far!
Talk about frustrating. This is a place I have been waiting this entire trip to get back to. A place that has had my heart for the past three years. Yet, where is my joy? Where is my heart? Why am I not excited like I expected to be?
So here it is… the end of our month in Kenya and the squad is meeting up for a debrief. We have staff, Noe and Mark, and our previous squad leaders, Mike and Stacey, flying out to be with us. This is exciting! Our debrief after month 4 was amazing! And, I have expectations of this one being even better!
But deep down, why am I not excited? Why am I sitting over here alone, while Ryan and Thomas are out greeting the squads as they arrive? Why do I continue to sit here looking down at my Bible, pretending I do not notice the teams are arriving?
In that moment, I really started to question myself. Where has my joy gone? Am I burnt out? Am I tired of being here?
The answer… No. Of course I want to be here. Honestly though, it is not the same when I am lacking joy and the heart I started this trip with.
What is wrong with me?
God answered that question within the next four days…
Over the course of debrief, I was an emotional wreck! I cried every day, multiple times a day.
Noe and Mark had both talked to the squad about how messiness is good. And as much as I hated it, they were right.
The mess I was walking through was healing. It was bringing up the answers to all of those questions.
I had lost myself. My identity. The person I am. That is what happened.
I took this role as squad leader hesitantly at first. As I talked about in a blog from months ago… everything about squad leading was out of my comfort zone. But, God gave me so much confirmation that this is where I was supposed to be. He gave me confidence to take the role… and that is the confidence I had tried to walk in.
Somewhere along the way though, I lost who I was. The role took over the person I was. It took over my identity.
I was no longer Kayla. I was a “squad leader.” In my mind, that was what people saw me as.
The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy – John 10:10
And that is exactly what I allowed him to do… to steal the truth, kill my joy, and destroy my identity.
I allowed him to walk all over me. To make me feel inadequate as a squad leader. To bring to my mind all of the things I have done wrong over these past four months. To bring these about as failures and not experiences to learn from. To make me feel like the squad only saw me for my failures. To make me feel like I am only seen as a squad leader by everyone on the squad… and not seen as a friend.
These thoughts destroyed me. They sucked me in.
But, the second part of John 10:10 brings life!
I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.
There is freedom in Christ. Freedom in shaking the lies of the enemy and walking in the truth of who I am and who God created me to be. Truth in knowing that we all make mistakes, but we ARE NOT defined by those. Truth in knowing that there is grace and forgiveness. Truth in knowing that He does not give up on us.
And so… that is how I found myself in this scenario…
Sitting on a table in front of 44 of my squad mates, crying and confessing the lies I had allowed myself to believe for the past 3 months. Three months of putting on a “Kayla is happy” mask.
I honestly do not remember what I said. I just remember sitting on that table, crying to the squad, revealing my heart, talking about how I felt like there were so many expectations on me that I could not fulfill, and also apologizing for the mistakes I have made along the way.
It was so freeing!
There is this lie that leaders often believe… They think that they cannot be honest. They think that they should always have everything together and be doing great. In reality, we all know that is not the case.
I am walking through this journey just like the rest of the squad. I started this out with them 8 months ago. But, I didn’t feel like I could ever talk about how I truly felt… and so, I didn’t.
That was just another lie of the enemy telling me that I couldn’t talk about it…
We know that the law is spiritual; but I am unspiritual, sold as a slave to sin. I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate to do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do- this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.
This is from Romans 7. It is Paul being real… Being honest… Being vulnerable.
Paul was a leader, and I am sure it was hard for him to admit his struggles… But, he did it.
If we chose to walk through our struggles alone… We are choosing to allow Satan to have a hold on us. When we are silent, that is when he can feed us lie after lie… That is what I allowed him to do.
The thought has constantly crossed my mind on this journey… Am I ever going to walk through brokenness during this? I know I have been changed and am continuing to be… but is the Lord ever going to just break me?
Well I found me answer… Yes. I have been broken for months and just didn’t know it.
I read an article online today. It said… “Transparency is removing the mask and revealing who you really are; it is getting beyond the surface to what is really going on in your heart.”
Thank you to my squad, Noe, Mark, Stacey, and Mike for walking me through my messiness. For allowing me to be transparent and real. Thank you for investing in me and fighting for me!
I am so blessed to have B Squad! To have a group of amazing brothers and sisters who I can be transparent with! A group that shows grace and brings freedom! As I sat there, hurting and overwhelmed, in front of them, sharing my heart… I received nothing but grace and encouragement in return. I love this group! I love my squad! I can’t imagine being on this journey without them!
Wobulenzi
Next thing I know, I find myself sitting on a table in front of 44 of my squad mates, crying and confessing the lies I had allowed myself to believe for the past 3 months. Three months of putting on a “Kayla is happy” mask. But, no more… Now, I am looking for freedom!
It all started back in Vietnam… three months ago. As soon as we got there, it was like a switch went off inside of me. My normal extroverted self… A person who loves being around people, so much so that I struggle to find time to rest and spend time with the Lord… disappeared.
We were in a new, exciting place… Yet, I would rather not leave the room. And even more than that, I would rather not hang out with anyone except Ryan and Thomas (my fellow squad leaders).
This was not me and I knew it. It frustrated me to be feeling this way. But, I didn’t know why…
In my mind, I guess I justified it as a result of leaving Cambodia.
I did not journal at all in Nam, but I wrote one page at the end of the month. This is how it started…
“Nam was a rough month for me… Spiritually, physically, and emotionally. I have best described it as the time I was walking through the ‘desert.’ I was searching for the water I needed, but couldn’t find it. It was really hard to leave Cambodia… A place where I walked in joy every day… A place I loved… People I loved. Somewhere in the transition, everything changed. My time with Jesus stopped. The one thing that would fill my cup… I didn’t do it. And honestly, I lost the desire to.
I don’t want to look back at Nam and regret any of it. But, I do wish I could do it all again and do it differently. I want to do it with joy.”
Vietnam came and went. The whole month I struggled. I didn’t want to be around people.
The problem… these feelings carried over into Malaysia… and then, Kenya.
Kenya… my favorite place in the world. While Cambodia has been my favorite place on the Race, Kenya is still my favorite country in the world so far!
Talk about frustrating. This is a place I have been waiting this entire trip to get back to. A place that has had my heart for the past three years. Yet, where is my joy? Where is my heart? Why am I not excited like I expected to be?
So here it is… the end of our month in Kenya and the squad is meeting up for a debrief. We have staff, Noe and Mark, and our previous squad leaders, Mike and Stacey, flying out to be with us. This is exciting! Our debrief after month 4 was amazing! And, I have expectations of this one being even better!
But deep down, why am I not excited? Why am I sitting over here alone, while Ryan and Thomas are out greeting the squads as they arrive? Why do I continue to sit here looking down at my Bible, pretending I do not notice the teams are arriving?
In that moment, I really started to question myself. Where has my joy gone? Am I burnt out? Am I tired of being here?
The answer… No. Of course I want to be here. Honestly though, it is not the same when I am lacking joy and the heart I started this trip with.
What is wrong with me?
God answered that question within the next four days…
Over the course of debrief, I was an emotional wreck! I cried every day, multiple times a day.
Noe and Mark had both talked to the squad about how messiness is good. And as much as I hated it, they were right.
The mess I was walking through was healing. It was bringing up the answers to all of those questions.
I had lost myself. My identity. The person I am. That is what happened.
I took this role as squad leader hesitantly at first. As I talked about in a blog from months ago… everything about squad leading was out of my comfort zone. But, God gave me so much confirmation that this is where I was supposed to be. He gave me confidence to take the role… and that is the confidence I had tried to walk in.
Somewhere along the way though, I lost who I was. The role took over the person I was. It took over my identity.
I was no longer Kayla. I was a “squad leader.” In my mind, that was what people saw me as.
The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy – John 10:10
And that is exactly what I allowed him to do… to steal the truth, kill my joy, and destroy my identity.
I allowed him to walk all over me. To make me feel inadequate as a squad leader. To bring to my mind all of the things I have done wrong over these past four months. To bring these about as failures and not experiences to learn from. To make me feel like the squad only saw me for my failures. To make me feel like I am only seen as a squad leader by everyone on the squad… and not seen as a friend.
These thoughts destroyed me. They sucked me in.
But, the second part of John 10:10 brings life!
I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.
There is freedom in Christ. Freedom in shaking the lies of the enemy and walking in the truth of who I am and who God created me to be. Truth in knowing that we all make mistakes, but we ARE NOT defined by those. Truth in knowing that there is grace and forgiveness. Truth in knowing that He does not give up on us.
And so… that is how I found myself in this scenario…
Sitting on a table in front of 44 of my squad mates, crying and confessing the lies I had allowed myself to believe for the past 3 months. Three months of putting on a “Kayla is happy” mask.
I honestly do not remember what I said. I just remember sitting on that table, crying to the squad, revealing my heart, talking about how I felt like there were so many expectations on me that I could not fulfill, and also apologizing for the mistakes I have made along the way.
It was so freeing!
There is this lie that leaders often believe… They think that they cannot be honest. They think that they should always have everything together and be doing great. In reality, we all know that is not the case.
I am walking through this journey just like the rest of the squad. I started this out with them 8 months ago. But, I didn’t feel like I could ever talk about how I truly felt… and so, I didn’t.
That was just another lie of the enemy telling me that I couldn’t talk about it…
We know that the law is spiritual; but I am unspiritual, sold as a slave to sin. I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate to do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do- this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.
This is from Romans 7. It is Paul being real… Being honest… Being vulnerable.
Paul was a leader, and I am sure it was hard for him to admit his struggles… But, he did it.
If we chose to walk through our struggles alone… We are choosing to allow Satan to have a hold on us. When we are silent, that is when he can feed us lie after lie… That is what I allowed him to do.
The thought has constantly crossed my mind on this journey… Am I ever going to walk through brokenness during this? I know I have been changed and am continuing to be… but is the Lord ever going to just break me?
Well I found me answer… Yes. I have been broken for months and just didn’t know it.
I read an article online today. It said… “Transparency is removing the mask and revealing who you really are; it is getting beyond the surface to what is really going on in your heart.”
Thank you to my squad, Noe, Mark, Stacey, and Mike for walking me through my messiness. For allowing me to be transparent and real. Thank you for investing in me and fighting for me!
I am so blessed to have B Squad! To have a group of amazing brothers and sisters who I can be transparent with! A group that shows grace and brings freedom! As I sat there, hurting and overwhelmed, in front of them, sharing my heart… I received nothing but grace and encouragement in return. I love this group! I love my squad! I can’t imagine being on this journey without them!
Wobulenzi
Next thing I know, I find myself sitting on a table in front of 44 of my squad mates, crying and confessing the lies I had allowed myself to believe for the past 3 months. Three months of putting on a “Kayla is happy” mask. But, no more… Now, I am looking for freedom!
It all started back in Vietnam… three months ago. As soon as we got there, it was like a switch went off inside of me. My normal extroverted self… A person who loves being around people, so much so that I struggle to find time to rest and spend time with the Lord… disappeared.
We were in a new, exciting place… Yet, I would rather not leave the room. And even more than that, I would rather not hang out with anyone except Ryan and Thomas (my fellow squad leaders).
This was not me and I knew it. It frustrated me to be feeling this way. But, I didn’t know why…
In my mind, I guess I justified it as a result of leaving Cambodia.
I did not journal at all in Nam, but I wrote one page at the end of the month. This is how it started…
“Nam was a rough month for me… Spiritually, physically, and emotionally. I have best described it as the time I was walking through the ‘desert.’ I was searching for the water I needed, but couldn’t find it. It was really hard to leave Cambodia… A place where I walked in joy every day… A place I loved… People I loved. Somewhere in the transition, everything changed. My time with Jesus stopped. The one thing that would fill my cup… I didn’t do it. And honestly, I lost the desire to.
I don’t want to look back at Nam and regret any of it. But, I do wish I could do it all again and do it differently. I want to do it with joy.”
Vietnam came and went. The whole month I struggled. I didn’t want to be around people.
The problem… these feelings carried over into Malaysia… and then, Kenya.
Kenya… my favorite place in the world. While Cambodia has been my favorite place on the Race, Kenya is still my favorite country in the world so far!
Talk about frustrating. This is a place I have been waiting this entire trip to get back to. A place that has had my heart for the past three years. Yet, where is my joy? Where is my heart? Why am I not excited like I expected to be?
So here it is… the end of our month in Kenya and the squad is meeting up for a debrief. We have staff, Noe and Mark, and our previous squad leaders, Mike and Stacey, flying out to be with us. This is exciting! Our debrief after month 4 was amazing! And, I have expectations of this one being even better!
But deep down, why am I not excited? Why am I sitting over here alone, while Ryan and Thomas are out greeting the squads as they arrive? Why do I continue to sit here looking down at my Bible, pretending I do not notice the teams are arriving?
In that moment, I really started to question myself. Where has my joy gone? Am I burnt out? Am I tired of being here?
The answer… No. Of course I want to be here. Honestly though, it is not the same when I am lacking joy and the heart I started this trip with.
What is wrong with me?
God answered that question within the next four days…
Over the course of debrief, I was an emotional wreck! I cried every day, multiple times a day.
Noe and Mark had both talked to the squad about how messiness is good. And as much as I hated it, they were right.
The mess I was walking through was healing. It was bringing up the answers to all of those questions.
I had lost myself. My identity. The person I am. That is what happened.
I took this role as squad leader hesitantly at first. As I talked about in a blog from months ago… everything about squad leading was out of my comfort zone. But, God gave me so much confirmation that this is where I was supposed to be. He gave me confidence to take the role… and that is the confidence I had tried to walk in.
Somewhere along the way though, I lost who I was. The role took over the person I was. It took over my identity.
I was no longer Kayla. I was a “squad leader.” In my mind, that was what people saw me as.
The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy – John 10:10
And that is exactly what I allowed him to do… to steal the truth, kill my joy, and destroy my identity.
I allowed him to walk all over me. To make me feel inadequate as a squad leader. To bring to my mind all of the things I have done wrong over these past four months. To bring these about as failures and not experiences to learn from. To make me feel like the squad only saw me for my failures. To make me feel like I am only seen as a squad leader by everyone on the squad… and not seen as a friend.
These thoughts destroyed me. They sucked me in.
But, the second part of John 10:10 brings life!
I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.
There is freedom in Christ. Freedom in shaking the lies of the enemy and walking in the truth of who I am and who God created me to be. Truth in knowing that we all make mistakes, but we ARE NOT defined by those. Truth in knowing that there is grace and forgiveness. Truth in knowing that He does not give up on us.
And so… that is how I found myself in this scenario…
Sitting on a table in front of 44 of my squad mates, crying and confessing the lies I had allowed myself to believe for the past 3 months. Three months of putting on a “Kayla is happy” mask.
I honestly do not remember what I said. I just remember sitting on that table, crying to the squad, revealing my heart, talking about how I felt like there were so many expectations on me that I could not fulfill, and also apologizing for the mistakes I have made along the way.
It was so freeing!
There is this lie that leaders often believe… They think that they cannot be honest. They think that they should always have everything together and be doing great. In reality, we all know that is not the case.
I am walking through this journey just like the rest of the squad. I started this out with them 8 months ago. But, I didn’t feel like I could ever talk about how I truly felt… and so, I didn’t.
That was just another lie of the enemy telling me that I couldn’t talk about it…
We know that the law is spiritual; but I am unspiritual, sold as a slave to sin. I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate to do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do- this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.
This is from Romans 7. It is Paul being real… Being honest… Being vulnerable.
Paul was a leader, and I am sure it was hard for him to admit his struggles… But, he did it.
If we chose to walk through our struggles alone… We are choosing to allow Satan to have a hold on us. When we are silent, that is when he can feed us lie after lie… That is what I allowed him to do.
The thought has constantly crossed my mind on this journey… Am I ever going to walk through brokenness during this? I know I have been changed and am continuing to be… but is the Lord ever going to just break me?
Well I found me answer… Yes. I have been broken for months and just didn’t know it.
I read an article online today. It said… “Transparency is removing the mask and revealing who you really are; it is getting beyond the surface to what is really going on in your heart.”
Thank you to my squad, Noe, Mark, Stacey, and Mike for walking me through my messiness. For allowing me to be transparent and real. Thank you for investing in me and fighting for me!
I am so blessed to have B Squad! To have a group of amazing brothers and sisters who I can be transparent with! A group that shows grace and brings freedom! As I sat there, hurting and overwhelmed, in front of them, sharing my heart… I received nothing but grace and encouragement in return. I love this group! I love my squad! I can’t imagine being on this journey without them!
Wobulenzi
Next thing I know, I find myself sitting on a table in front of 44 of my squad mates, crying and confessing the lies I had allowed myself to believe for the past 3 months. Three months of putting on a “Kayla is happy” mask. But, no more… Now, I am looking for freedom!
It all started back in Vietnam… three months ago. As soon as we got there, it was like a switch went off inside of me. My normal extroverted self… A person who loves being around people, so much so that I struggle to find time to rest and spend time with the Lord… disappeared.
We were in a new, exciting place… Yet, I would rather not leave the room. And even more than that, I would rather not hang out with anyone except Ryan and Thomas (my fellow squad leaders).
This was not me and I knew it. It frustrated me to be feeling this way. But, I didn’t know why…
In my mind, I guess I justified it as a result of leaving Cambodia.
I did not journal at all in Nam, but I wrote one page at the end of the month. This is how it started…
“Nam was a rough month for me… Spiritually, physically, and emotionally. I have best described it as the time I was walking through the ‘desert.’ I was searching for the water I needed, but couldn’t find it. It was really hard to leave Cambodia… A place where I walked in joy every day… A place I loved… People I loved. Somewhere in the transition, everything changed. My time with Jesus stopped. The one thing that would fill my cup… I didn’t do it. And honestly, I lost the desire to.
I don’t want to look back at Nam and regret any of it. But, I do wish I could do it all again and do it differently. I want to do it with joy.”
Vietnam came and went. The whole month I struggled. I didn’t want to be around people.
The problem… these feelings carried over into Malaysia… and then, Kenya.
Kenya… my favorite place in the world. While Cambodia has been my favorite place on the Race, Kenya is still my favorite country in the world so far!
Talk about frustrating. This is a place I have been waiting this entire trip to get back to. A place that has had my heart for the past three years. Yet, where is my joy? Where is my heart? Why am I not excited like I expected to be?
So here it is… the end of our month in Kenya and the squad is meeting up for a debrief. We have staff, Noe and Mark, and our previous squad leaders, Mike and Stacey, flying out to be with us. This is exciting! Our debrief after month 4 was amazing! And, I have expectations of this one being even better!
But deep down, why am I not excited? Why am I sitting over here alone, while Ryan and Thomas are out greeting the squads as they arrive? Why do I continue to sit here looking down at my Bible, pretending I do not notice the teams are arriving?
In that moment, I really started to question myself. Where has my joy gone? Am I burnt out? Am I tired of being here?
The answer… No. Of course I want to be here. Honestly though, it is not the same when I am lacking joy and the heart I started this trip with.
What is wrong with me?
God answered that question within the next four days…
Over the course of debrief, I was an emotional wreck! I cried every day, multiple times a day.
Noe and Mark had both talked to the squad about how messiness is good. And as much as I hated it, they were right.
The mess I was walking through was healing. It was bringing up the answers to all of those questions.
I had lost myself. My identity. The person I am. That is what happened.
I took this role as squad leader hesitantly at first. As I talked about in a blog from months ago… everything about squad leading was out of my comfort zone. But, God gave me so much confirmation that this is where I was supposed to be. He gave me confidence to take the role… and that is the confidence I had tried to walk in.
Somewhere along the way though, I lost who I was. The role took over the person I was. It took over my identity.
I was no longer Kayla. I was a “squad leader.” In my mind, that was what people saw me as.
The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy – John 10:10
And that is exactly what I allowed him to do… to steal the truth, kill my joy, and destroy my identity.
I allowed him to walk all over me. To make me feel inadequate as a squad leader. To bring to my mind all of the things I have done wrong over these past four months. To bring these about as failures and not experiences to learn from. To make me feel like the squad only saw me for my failures. To make me feel like I am only seen as a squad leader by everyone on the squad… and not seen as a friend.
These thoughts destroyed me. They sucked me in.
But, the second part of John 10:10 brings life!
I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.
There is freedom in Christ. Freedom in shaking the lies of the enemy and walking in the truth of who I am and who God created me to be. Truth in knowing that we all make mistakes, but we ARE NOT defined by those. Truth in knowing that there is grace and forgiveness. Truth in knowing that He does not give up on us.
And so… that is how I found myself in this scenario…
Sitting on a table in front of 44 of my squad mates, crying and confessing the lies I had allowed myself to believe for the past 3 months. Three months of putting on a “Kayla is happy” mask.
I honestly do not remember what I said. I just remember sitting on that table, crying to the squad, revealing my heart, talking about how I felt like there were so many expectations on me that I could not fulfill, and also apologizing for the mistakes I have made along the way.
It was so freeing!
There is this lie that leaders often believe… They think that they cannot be honest. They think that they should always have everything together and be doing great. In reality, we all know that is not the case.
I am walking through this journey just like the rest of the squad. I started this out with them 8 months ago. But, I didn’t feel like I could ever talk about how I truly felt… and so, I didn’t.
That was just another lie of the enemy telling me that I couldn’t talk about it…
We know that the law is spiritual; but I am unspiritual, sold as a slave to sin. I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate to do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do- this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.
This is from Romans 7. It is Paul being real… Being honest… Being vulnerable.
Paul was a leader, and I am sure it was hard for him to admit his struggles… But, he did it.
If we chose to walk through our struggles alone… We are choosing to allow Satan to have a hold on us. When we are silent, that is when he can feed us lie after lie… That is what I allowed him to do.
The thought has constantly crossed my mind on this journey… Am I ever going to walk through brokenness during this? I know I have been changed and am continuing to be… but is the Lord ever going to just break me?
Well I found me answer… Yes. I have been broken for months and just didn’t know it.
I read an article online today. It said… “Transparency is removing the mask and revealing who you really are; it is getting beyond the surface to what is really going on in your heart.”
Thank you to my squad, Noe, Mark, Stacey, and Mike for walking me through my messiness. For allowing me to be transparent and real. Thank you for investing in me and fighting for me!
I am so blessed to have B Squad! To have a group of amazing brothers and sisters who I can be transparent with! A group that shows grace and brings freedom! As I sat there, hurting and overwhelmed, in front of them, sharing my heart… I received nothing but grace and encouragement in return. I love this group! I love my squad! I can’t imagine being on this journey without them!
Wobulenzi
Next thing I know, I find myself sitting on a table in front of 44 of my squad mates, crying and confessing the lies I had allowed myself to believe for the past 3 months. Three months of putting on a “Kayla is happy” mask. But, no more… Now, I am looking for freedom!
It all started back in Vietnam… three months ago. As soon as we got there, it was like a switch went off inside of me. My normal extroverted self… A person who loves being around people, so much so that I struggle to find time to rest and spend time with the Lord… disappeared.
We were in a new, exciting place… Yet, I would rather not leave the room. And even more than that, I would rather not hang out with anyone except Ryan and Thomas (my fellow squad leaders).
This was not me and I knew it. It frustrated me to be feeling this way. But, I didn’t know why…
In my mind, I guess I justified it as a result of leaving Cambodia.
I did not journal at all in Nam, but I wrote one page at the end of the month. This is how it started…
“Nam was a rough month for me… Spiritually, physically, and emotionally. I have best described it as the time I was walking through the ‘desert.’ I was searching for the water I needed, but couldn’t find it. It was really hard to leave Cambodia… A place where I walked in joy every day… A place I loved… People I loved. Somewhere in the transition, everything changed. My time with Jesus stopped. The one thing that would fill my cup… I didn’t do it. And honestly, I lost the desire to.
I don’t want to look back at Nam and regret any of it. But, I do wish I could do it all again and do it differently. I want to do it with joy.”
Vietnam came and went. The whole month I struggled. I didn’t want to be around people.
The problem… these feelings carried over into Malaysia… and then, Kenya.
Kenya… my favorite place in the world. While Cambodia has been my favorite place on the Race, Kenya is still my favorite country in the world so far!
Talk about frustrating. This is a place I have been waiting this entire trip to get back to. A place that has had my heart for the past three years. Yet, where is my joy? Where is my heart? Why am I not excited like I expected to be?
So here it is… the end of our month in Kenya and the squad is meeting up for a debrief. We have staff, Noe and Mark, and our previous squad leaders, Mike and Stacey, flying out to be with us. This is exciting! Our debrief after month 4 was amazing! And, I have expectations of this one being even better!
But deep down, why am I not excited? Why am I sitting over here alone, while Ryan and Thomas are out greeting the squads as they arrive? Why do I continue to sit here looking down at my Bible, pretending I do not notice the teams are arriving?
In that moment, I really started to question myself. Where has my joy gone? Am I burnt out? Am I tired of being here?
The answer… No. Of course I want to be here. Honestly though, it is not the same when I am lacking joy and the heart I started this trip with.
What is wrong with me?
God answered that question within the next four days…
Over the course of debrief, I was an emotional wreck! I cried every day, multiple times a day.
Noe and Mark had both talked to the squad about how messiness is good. And as much as I hated it, they were right.
The mess I was walking through was healing. It was bringing up the answers to all of those questions.
I had lost myself. My identity. The person I am. That is what happened.
I took this role as squad leader hesitantly at first. As I talked about in a blog from months ago… everything about squad leading was out of my comfort zone. But, God gave me so much confirmation that this is where I was supposed to be. He gave me confidence to take the role… and that is the confidence I had tried to walk in.
Somewhere along the way though, I lost who I was. The role took over the person I was. It took over my identity.
I was no longer Kayla. I was a “squad leader.” In my mind, that was what people saw me as.
The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy – John 10:10
And that is exactly what I allowed him to do… to steal the truth, kill my joy, and destroy my identity.
I allowed him to walk all over me. To make me feel inadequate as a squad leader. To bring to my mind all of the things I have done wrong over these past four months. To bring these about as failures and not experiences to learn from. To make me feel like the squad only saw me for my failures. To make me feel like I am only seen as a squad leader by everyone on the squad… and not seen as a friend.
These thoughts destroyed me. They sucked me in.
But, the second part of John 10:10 brings life!
I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.
There is freedom in Christ. Freedom in shaking the lies of the enemy and walking in the truth of who I am and who God created me to be. Truth in knowing that we all make mistakes, but we ARE NOT defined by those. Truth in knowing that there is grace and forgiveness. Truth in knowing that He does not give up on us.
And so… that is how I found myself in this scenario…
Sitting on a table in front of 44 of my squad mates, crying and confessing the lies I had allowed myself to believe for the past 3 months. Three months of putting on a “Kayla is happy” mask.
I honestly do not remember what I said. I just remember sitting on that table, crying to the squad, revealing my heart, talking about how I felt like there were so many expectations on me that I could not fulfill, and also apologizing for the mistakes I have made along the way.
It was so freeing!
There is this lie that leaders often believe… They think that they cannot be honest. They think that they should always have everything together and be doing great. In reality, we all know that is not the case.
I am walking through this journey just like the rest of the squad. I started this out with them 8 months ago. But, I didn’t feel like I could ever talk about how I truly felt… and so, I didn’t.
That was just another lie of the enemy telling me that I couldn’t talk about it…
We know that the law is spiritual; but I am unspiritual, sold as a slave to sin. I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate to do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do- this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.
This is from Romans 7. It is Paul being real… Being honest… Being vulnerable.
Paul was a leader, and I am sure it was hard for him to admit his struggles… But, he did it.
If we chose to walk through our struggles alone… We are choosing to allow Satan to have a hold on us. When we are silent, that is when he can feed us lie after lie… That is what I allowed him to do.
The thought has constantly crossed my mind on this journey… Am I ever going to walk through brokenness during this? I know I have been changed and am continuing to be… but is the Lord ever going to just break me?
Well I found me answer… Yes. I have been broken for months and just didn’t know it.
I read an article online today. It said… “Transparency is removing the mask and revealing who you really are; it is getting beyond the surface to what is really going on in your heart.”
Thank you to my squad, Noe, Mark, Stacey, and Mike for walking me through my messiness. For allowing me to be transparent and real. Thank you for investing in me and fighting for me!
I am so blessed to have B Squad! To have a group of amazing brothers and sisters who I can be transparent with! A group that shows grace and brings freedom! As I sat there, hurting and overwhelmed, in front of them, sharing my heart… I received nothing but grace and encouragement in return. I love this group! I love my squad! I can’t imagine being on this journey without them!
Wobulenzi
Next thing I know, I find myself sitting on a table in front of 44 of my squad mates, crying and confessing the lies I had allowed myself to believe for the past 3 months. Three months of putting on a “Kayla is happy” mask. But, no more… Now, I am looking for freedom!
It all started back in Vietnam… three months ago. As soon as we got there, it was like a switch went off inside of me. My normal extroverted self… A person who loves being around people, so much so that I struggle to find time to rest and spend time with the Lord… disappeared.
We were in a new, exciting place… Yet, I would rather not leave the room. And even more than that, I would rather not hang out with anyone except Ryan and Thomas (my fellow squad leaders).
This was not me and I knew it. It frustrated me to be feeling this way. But, I didn’t know why…
In my mind, I guess I justified it as a result of leaving Cambodia.
I did not journal at all in Nam, but I wrote one page at the end of the month. This is how it started…
“Nam was a rough month for me… Spiritually, physically, and emotionally. I have best described it as the time I was walking through the ‘desert.’ I was searching for the water I needed, but couldn’t find it. It was really hard to leave Cambodia… A place where I walked in joy every day… A place I loved… People I loved. Somewhere in the transition, everything changed. My time with Jesus stopped. The one thing that would fill my cup… I didn’t do it. And honestly, I lost the desire to.
I don’t want to look back at Nam and regret any of it. But, I do wish I could do it all again and do it differently. I want to do it with joy.”
Vietnam came and went. The whole month I struggled. I didn’t want to be around people.
The problem… these feelings carried over into Malaysia… and then, Kenya.
Kenya… my favorite place in the world. While Cambodia has been my favorite place on the Race, Kenya is still my favorite country in the world so far!
Talk about frustrating. This is a place I have been waiting this entire trip to get back to. A place that has had my heart for the past three years. Yet, where is my joy? Where is my heart? Why am I not excited like I expected to be?
So here it is… the end of our month in Kenya and the squad is meeting up for a debrief. We have staff, Noe and Mark, and our previous squad leaders, Mike and Stacey, flying out to be with us. This is exciting! Our debrief after month 4 was amazing! And, I have expectations of this one being even better!
But deep down, why am I not excited? Why am I sitting over here alone, while Ryan and Thomas are out greeting the squads as they arrive? Why do I continue to sit here looking down at my Bible, pretending I do not notice the teams are arriving?
In that moment, I really started to question myself. Where has my joy gone? Am I burnt out? Am I tired of being here?
The answer… No. Of course I want to be here. Honestly though, it is not the same when I am lacking joy and the heart I started this trip with.
What is wrong with me?
God answered that question within the next four days…
Over the course of debrief, I was an emotional wreck! I cried every day, multiple times a day.
Noe and Mark had both talked to the squad about how messiness is good. And as much as I hated it, they were right.
The mess I was walking through was healing. It was bringing up the answers to all of those questions.
I had lost myself. My identity. The person I am. That is what happened.
I took this role as squad leader hesitantly at first. As I talked about in a blog from months ago… everything about squad leading was out of my comfort zone. But, God gave me so much confirmation that this is where I was supposed to be. He gave me confidence to take the role… and that is the confidence I had tried to walk in.
Somewhere along the way though, I lost who I was. The role took over the person I was. It took over my identity.
I was no longer Kayla. I was a “squad leader.” In my mind, that was what people saw me as.
The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy – John 10:10
And that is exactly what I allowed him to do… to steal the truth, kill my joy, and destroy my identity.
I allowed him to walk all over me. To make me feel inadequate as a squad leader. To bring to my mind all of the things I have done wrong over these past four months. To bring these about as failures and not experiences to learn from. To make me feel like the squad only saw me for my failures. To make me feel like I am only seen as a squad leader by everyone on the squad… and not seen as a friend.
These thoughts destroyed me. They sucked me in.
But, the second part of John 10:10 brings life!
I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.
There is freedom in Christ. Freedom in shaking the lies of the enemy and walking in the truth of who I am and who God created me to be. Truth in knowing that we all make mistakes, but we ARE NOT defined by those. Truth in knowing that there is grace and forgiveness. Truth in knowing that He does not give up on us.
And so… that is how I found myself in this scenario…
Sitting on a table in front of 44 of my squad mates, crying and confessing the lies I had allowed myself to believe for the past 3 months. Three months of putting on a “Kayla is happy” mask.
I honestly do not remember what I said. I just remember sitting on that table, crying to the squad, revealing my heart, talking about how I felt like there were so many expectations on me that I could not fulfill, and also apologizing for the mistakes I have made along the way.
It was so freeing!
There is this lie that leaders often believe… They think that they cannot be honest. They think that they should always have everything together and be doing great. In reality, we all know that is not the case.
I am walking through this journey just like the rest of the squad. I started this out with them 8 months ago. But, I didn’t feel like I could ever talk about how I truly felt… and so, I didn’t.
That was just another lie of the enemy telling me that I couldn’t talk about it…
We know that the law is spiritual; but I am unspiritual, sold as a slave to sin. I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate to do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do- this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.
This is from Romans 7. It is Paul being real… Being honest… Being vulnerable.
Paul was a leader, and I am sure it was hard for him to admit his struggles… But, he did it.
If we chose to walk through our struggles alone… We are choosing to allow Satan to have a hold on us. When we are silent, that is when he can feed us lie after lie… That is what I allowed him to do.
The thought has constantly crossed my mind on this journey… Am I ever going to walk through brokenness during this? I know I have been changed and am continuing to be… but is the Lord ever going to just break me?
Well I found me answer… Yes. I have been broken for months and just didn’t know it.
I read an article online today. It said… “Transparency is removing the mask and revealing who you really are; it is getting beyond the surface to what is really going on in your heart.”
Thank you to my squad, Noe, Mark, Stacey, and Mike for walking me through my messiness. For allowing me to be transparent and real. Thank you for investing in me and fighting for me!
I am so blessed to have B Squad! To have a group of amazing brothers and sisters who I can be transparent with! A group that shows grace and brings freedom! As I sat there, hurting and overwhelmed, in front of them, sharing my heart… I received nothing but grace and encouragement in return. I love this group! I love my squad! I can’t imagine being on this journey without them!
Wobulenzi
Next thing I know, I find myself sitting on a table in front of 44 of my squad mates, crying and confessing the lies I had allowed myself to believe for the past 3 months. Three months of putting on a “Kayla is happy” mask. But, no more… Now, I am looking for freedom!
It all started back in Vietnam… three months ago. As soon as we got there, it was like a switch went off inside of me. My normal extroverted self… A person who loves being around people, so much so that I struggle to find time to rest and spend time with the Lord… disappeared.
We were in a new, exciting place… Yet, I would rather not leave the room. And even more than that, I would rather not hang out with anyone except Ryan and Thomas (my fellow squad leaders).
This was not me and I knew it. It frustrated me to be feeling this way. But, I didn’t know why…
In my mind, I guess I justified it as a result of leaving Cambodia.
I did not journal at all in Nam, but I wrote one page at the end of the month. This is how it started…
“Nam was a rough month for me… Spiritually, physically, and emotionally. I have best described it as the time I was walking through the ‘desert.’ I was searching for the water I needed, but couldn’t find it. It was really hard to leave Cambodia… A place where I walked in joy every day… A place I loved… People I loved. Somewhere in the transition, everything changed. My time with Jesus stopped. The one thing that would fill my cup… I didn’t do it. And honestly, I lost the desire to.
I don’t want to look back at Nam and regret any of it. But, I do wish I could do it all again and do it differently. I want to do it with joy.”
Vietnam came and went. The whole month I struggled. I didn’t want to be around people.
The problem… these feelings carried over into Malaysia… and then, Kenya.
Kenya… my favorite place in the world. While Cambodia has been my favorite place on the Race, Kenya is still my favorite country in the world so far!
Talk about frustrating. This is a place I have been waiting this entire trip to get back to. A place that has had my heart for the past three years. Yet, where is my joy? Where is my heart? Why am I not excited like I expected to be?
So here it is… the end of our month in Kenya and the squad is meeting up for a debrief. We have staff, Noe and Mark, and our previous squad leaders, Mike and Stacey, flying out to be with us. This is exciting! Our debrief after month 4 was amazing! And, I have expectations of this one being even better!
But deep down, why am I not excited? Why am I sitting over here alone, while Ryan and Thomas are out greeting the squads as they arrive? Why do I continue to sit here looking down at my Bible, pretending I do not notice the teams are arriving?
In that moment, I really started to question myself. Where has my joy gone? Am I burnt out? Am I tired of being here?
The answer… No. Of course I want to be here. Honestly though, it is not the same when I am lacking joy and the heart I started this trip with.
What is wrong with me?
God answered that question within the next four days…
Over the course of debrief, I was an emotional wreck! I cried every day, multiple times a day.
Noe and Mark had both talked to the squad about how messiness is good. And as much as I hated it, they were right.
The mess I was walking through was healing. It was bringing up the answers to all of those questions.
I had lost myself. My identity. The person I am. That is what happened.
I took this role as squad leader hesitantly at first. As I talked about in a blog from months ago… everything about squad leading was out of my comfort zone. But, God gave me so much confirmation that this is where I was supposed to be. He gave me confidence to take the role… and that is the confidence I had tried to walk in.
Somewhere along the way though, I lost who I was. The role took over the person I was. It took over my identity.
I was no longer Kayla. I was a “squad leader.” In my mind, that was what people saw me as.
The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy – John 10:10
And that is exactly what I allowed him to do… to steal the truth, kill my joy, and destroy my identity.
I allowed him to walk all over me. To make me feel inadequate as a squad leader. To bring to my mind all of the things I have done wrong over these past four months. To bring these about as failures and not experiences to learn from. To make me feel like the squad only saw me for my failures. To make me feel like I am only seen as a squad leader by everyone on the squad… and not seen as a friend.
These thoughts destroyed me. They sucked me in.
But, the second part of John 10:10 brings life!
I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.
There is freedom in Christ. Freedom in shaking the lies of the enemy and walking in the truth of who I am and who God created me to be. Truth in knowing that we all make mistakes, but we ARE NOT defined by those. Truth in knowing that there is grace and forgiveness. Truth in knowing that He does not give up on us.
And so… that is how I found myself in this scenario…
Sitting on a table in front of 44 of my squad mates, crying and confessing the lies I had allowed myself to believe for the past 3 months. Three months of putting on a “Kayla is happy” mask.
I honestly do not remember what I said. I just remember sitting on that table, crying to the squad, revealing my heart, talking about how I felt like there were so many expectations on me that I could not fulfill, and also apologizing for the mistakes I have made along the way.
It was so freeing!
There is this lie that leaders often believe… They think that they cannot be honest. They think that they should always have everything together and be doing great. In reality, we all know that is not the case.
I am walking through this journey just like the rest of the squad. I started this out with them 8 months ago. But, I didn’t feel like I could ever talk about how I truly felt… and so, I didn’t.
That was just another lie of the enemy telling me that I couldn’t talk about it…
We know that the law is spiritual; but I am unspiritual, sold as a slave to sin. I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate to do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do- this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.
This is from Romans 7. It is Paul being real… Being honest… Being vulnerable.
Paul was a leader, and I am sure it was hard for him to admit his struggles… But, he did it.
If we chose to walk through our struggles alone… We are choosing to allow Satan to have a hold on us. When we are silent, that is when he can feed us lie after lie… That is what I allowed him to do.
The thought has constantly crossed my mind on this journey… Am I ever going to walk through brokenness during this? I know I have been changed and am continuing to be… but is the Lord ever going to just break me?
Well I found me answer… Yes. I have been broken for months and just didn’t know it.
I read an article online today. It said… “Transparency is removing the mask and revealing who you really are; it is getting beyond the surface to what is really going on in your heart.”
Thank you to my squad, Noe, Mark, Stacey, and Mike for walking me through my messiness. For allowing me to be transparent and real. Thank you for investing in me and fighting for me!
I am so blessed to have B Squad! To have a group of amazing brothers and sisters who I can be transparent with! A group that shows grace and brings freedom! As I sat there, hurting and overwhelmed, in front of them, sharing my heart… I received nothing but grace and encouragement in return. I love this group! I love my squad! I can’t imagine being on this journey without them!
Wobulenzi
