So here’s the thing; when I committed to stop dancing with anxiety and start following The Lord’s direction, some things got easier. It got easier for me to sit still, to fill my time, to talk with others, to relax. But just because I chose to let go of something doesn’t mean the situation around me changed.
We’re still constantly flying by the seat of our pants, unsure of what’s happening day to day, even hour to hour. Nothing about our lives is planned or set. Every time we think we understand our schedule, we hear something new.
So there’s me, already in my pajamas, heading downstairs to dance in the empty church sanctuary for a little while before going to bed. Previously, we heard we were going to a church member’s house to pray, eat dinner, and visit. However, when dinner got brought to us, and the van didn’t pull up for a full hour after the time we were told, we assumed, as has happened a hundred times since landing in Malaysia, we had a miscommunication and were not doing anything for the evening.
I’d just plugged my phone into the speaker and was just beginning to scroll through my music—just beginning to unwind— when the honk from the van came and I heard my teammate call “HEY THEY’RE HERE!”
After a mad dash and the fastest clothing change of my life, I found myself sitting in the backseat of a van from the 90s, sweating, surrounded by members of our host church.
One of our best informants here in Malaysia and best English speaking friends, Yamouna a fifteen year old member of the church, was in the van. She turned to me with her bright smile and said, “Kayla, so you have prepared a sermon for tonight?”
My teammate Ethan had in fact prepared a sermon in the event something like this was going to happen.
“Yes, Ethan is going to speak.” I say, a little hint of pride in my voice. I felt like I’d somehow won since we were actually prepared for something for a change.
“And a song? You have a song?”
I took a deep breath, my winning feeling beginning to shrivel. “A song?”
“Yes! You sing. You have a song for us?”
We did not have a song. Our team isn’t terribly gifted in the music department either. Sneaky anxiety attempted to rise—
“Ummm yes, we have a song.” I said, sounding a little more confident then I felt (hopefully).
“Okay!” She smiled, pinching my chin in a gesture I’m learning is affectionate despite how hard I always get pinched.
The thing about God is he’s real, real funny. This month, He decided to help me work through my anxiety by placing me right in the middle of the most anxiety inducing situations.
What I’ve learned more than anything is that it just takes a yes to keep that anxiety away. Once you say yes when you don’t want to, you realize that the world won’t end because you were awkward or unprepared, and anxiety starts to lose its power.
And yeah, that “yes” might crash and burn—because we sung the most out of tune, slowest, most depressing sounding version of “10,000 Reasons” that has ever been sung— but still, I survived and am probably better for it. We even got to have a good, good laugh at ourselves for how terrible and embarrassing our singing was. But there’s freedom in that! We can laugh because we messed up since there’s grace and honestly, everything in life isn’t as big of a deal as we sometimes think it is.
On the Race, we talk a lot about abandonment. This month, abandonment is abandonment not only of my time and my schedule, but of my expectations. I cannot expect anything because nothing is set. Nothing.
My mission this month is to love and support this church, in whatever that looks like. As I read in Acts this week, Paul reminds us to, “pay careful attention to yourselves and to all the flock in which the Holy Spirit has made you overseers, to care for the church of God, which he obtained with his own blood” (Acts 20:28).
While this month might not conform to an idea I have about what ministry should look like, we’re here for this church, if that’s a random 10 PM choir practice, or playing “duck, duck, goose” with the kids from the church for a solid hour, Jesus bought this church with His blood.
If I’m to love with His heart, love of the church should come above all else.
I keep getting an image of me as a little leaf being blown about in the wind. I’m unable to plan, unable to direct myself, entirely at the mercy of others. I’m trusting that wind is the Holy Spirit’s breath. I’m saying yes, smiling, loving His church, and above all else, trusting God.
Currently: Adventure Day in Georgetown, Malaysia | 6:25 PM | 89% Funded | Lord, may you be my vision, my light, my life
