Laughter is a common thing on travel days. Whether it is the back of a truck in the pouring rain, a tight bus winding through the mountains, or a layover where you rediscover the glorious smell of fresh baked cookies, one has much to laugh about despite the chaos. Unsung Heroes month entails a lot of traveling, but this month there was something much different.
While laughing was a large part of traveling, I sensed the joy leaving me as we approached the city of Chiang Mai. From 200 kilometers to 50, suddenly, I had an overflow of emotions that had no real logical source. I felt like crying. I felt defeated. I felt lost. And although people, even English speaking people, surround me, I felt alone.
These are not common emotions for me. I love to travel, and I love the feeling when a city becomes a home through vague familiarities. Yet, Chiang Mai never gained that appeal. There was so much connected to this city, so much pain, so much confusion, so much searching, and as the bus pulled into the station each time I felt as if I was taking in the full load of it all. The first time it happened I blamed it on being tired, the second time motion sickness, but the third time there were no more excuses. Sleep and any amount of ginger (good for motion sickness) would not take away the defeated feeling that I bore. It was the emotions of the city. The personification of all its pain overwhelmed me.
Spiritual atmosphere. Words I never took to heart before the race. But, since leaving, God has engulfed my heart in understanding his. I prayed for that understanding. I asked to feel their pains as he does, to know their fears as he does, and to love them as he does. Yet, as cliche as it might sound, I never expected such a deep love. He took my prayers and crushed my heart in order for it to be pieced back together as his own.
Yet, there can be a point where it transitions. Where it changes from understanding God’s heart to the moment where the spirits of the city oppress yours. The moment you stop asking God to explain, and seeking scripture for understanding and restoration, to internalizing every emotion you encounter. I had to learn to voice my fears; to bring them to God, and to share them with my teammates. God is teaching me his heart of discernment, and through the encouraging words of scripture, I learned to share my heart with a friend who had experienced similar emotions. We can now join together in intentional prayer and discernment.
I am joyful and challenged by what this means for the journey ahead. I would never take back that prayer, and I continue to pray for it daily. Through the pain of a city, God is teaching me, yet again, a new understanding of his heart and passions.
