"Be Strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go." (Joshua 1:9)
This Friday I will head to training with fellow squad mates/future friends! While there has been much anticipation and excitement leading up to this moment there have been many set-backs and frustrations as well.
In the weeks following my surgery I have gotten behind on many things I had been ahead on previously. Examples: Fundraising, paperwork, purchasing equipment, studying scripture, and even in my prayer. Many would think that in the weeks following a surgery where you are not allowed to do much, other than sit around, that you would get ahead on such things. I thought so at least. Yet, my skills at procrastination seemed to grow; along with my hours of sleep.
Getting behind led to concerns about how long this healing process would take. I am a very independent person. Surgery recovery, on the other hand, requires being a dependent person. Dependent on friends, family, your health, the weather, the location of the nearest bathroom, and…here comes the big one…God. The time sitting around, led to a lot of thinking, specifically about things I had been avoiding thinking about. I began to wonder if I had made the right decision about going on the race (even though I had already been confirmed by God, through scripture, that this was where we were going in the next steps of me glorifying his name), I started thinking on the past, and what had led me to the race.
I became more and more frustrated with questions about the surgery and whether or not I was still planning to leave in September. While I knew most were just from concerned friends, I was frustrated with them, because I was frustrating with myself. The more they expressed their concerns; the more I began to realize my own. It was as if they were awakening this realization within me that as much as I want to trust God with all of this I was still trying to be my independent self and fix my heart. Whether it was eating right, taking the right vitamins, relaxing enough, or sleeping enough I thought I could figure it out. Yet, in many ways, there is only one who can fix this heart.
In my moment of weakness and frustration God has given me strength. He is teaching me daily about being more dependent on him. In my Lot Family (house group/bible study) this morning we were discussing Joshua 1:1-9. This led to a discussion on reverence, and what it means to be in reverence of God. A metaphor was shared:
Reverence is an embodiment of fear and trust. If we were to get into a mighty river and try to swim upstream we would quickly realize that our efforts are lacking in results. There is a sort of fear of the water; in that it would be better to go with the flow of the river, and use that flow to our advantage; Respecting that the river is wise in its understanding of the land in which it flows. We do not fear that the water will engulf us if we were to try to swim against its current, rather we are amazed by its power, and trust in its guidance.
This is the sort of reverence God is teaching me. A covenant was made between Abraham and God in early Genesis that his people would inherit a wonderful land. Some of Abraham's actions led him to never seeing this land. Moses faced a near worse fate as he would see the land from a distance, but not be able to enter it. Yet, in all of this, God has not broken his covenant, as they will eventually reach the land, even if it is not at the leadership or time frame in which they expected. Now, it is to Joshua to lead his people to the inheritance, but considering the past it is of no surprise the LORD provides him with some encouraging words following Moses's death.
While certain things may become frustrating, challenging or seem they are not working out as I had first expected; God has given me, through Christ and the Holy Spirit, the same guidance he gave Joshua:
" I will be with you; I will never leave you nor forsake you. "
Recovery may have taken longer than I had hoped, but it was quick from the perspective of the doctors, and in perfect timing in the perspective of God. So, to all those wondering, yes, I am still leaving in September. No, I have not raised all that I need to leave, but I KNOW God will provide. Even as finances, family health, personal health, relationships, and time seem to be going in the wrong direction I am learning daily to be in reverence of God, to
"be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do Not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go."
