One of the most painful moments I’ve experienced on this Race happened just before our flight to Asia.
I was missing a friend from home quite terribly. Since the launch of my World Race, I initiated conversation whenever I found wifi, even if only for a moment. What I didn’t realize until Month 2, was that I seemed to be the only one interested in conversation. Because the attempts of contact were only coming from my end, it became easy for me to feel like I wasn’t worth their time. I valued them significantly, but I was left in the dark on multiple occasions wondering what my worth was to them.
The night before I left Durban, South Africa, I knew God was telling me to let this go. I had so much invested in this person and I cared so deeply for them, that the thought of letting this friendship go left my stomach in knots. I can’t do this. A flood of emotions crashed over me like a tidal wave. I spent the night in my tiny dorm room writing poetry and letters, trying to process what was happening internally.
I was tired. Tired of constantly investing my heart into people who only show interest when it’s convenient for them. I was sick of failed relationships and the time spent reconstructing my heart after it was thrown on the floor. It’s a vicious cycle that I no longer want to be apart of.
My teammate Kayla, who is fabulously brilliant with words, explained it perfectly, “It’s like someone has their back turned towards you and you’re trying to get their attention. After many failed attempts to get them to turn around, you eventually find yourself exhausted and decide to walk away. Sadly, they may not even realize you’re gone because they still haven’t turned around.”
So, I made the decision to walk away.
There wasn’t some dramatic grand exit where I told this person off and proudly proclaimed my worth. I just walked away. And honestly, I don’t even think they’ve noticed.
I took steps to remove my emotional attachment and set boundaries for my heart. I told a few people my plan of action and sought accountability within my team. I knew that I already spent too much time hurting, and no one should waste their life waiting for someone to value their existence.
I’m not going to downplay this situation. I was fully aware this decision was going to, for lack of better words, suck, and suck hardcore. But I realize that I can’t control the actions of others. I’m responsible for my response alone, and I can no longer condone mistreatment, no matter how much I value them.
For ministry today, we were scheduled to speak in the middle school classrooms. Kayla and I were partnered together, and before entering each class, we asked the Holy Spirit to lead us in our discussions.
“Anytime God calls you to something or calls you to give something up, it’s for your good. He is a good God with good plans for His children. It may not be easy plans, but they are good plans. No matter what He calls you to give up, please remember it is always worth it.”
These words came out of my mouth. Mine.
Kayla looked at me with the perfect half-smile/nod combo that seemed to communicate “dang girl. preach it.“
I stood in front of that classroom temporarily paralyzed with shock.
Wow. I needed to hear that today.
Sometimes God calls us to do uncomfortable things, but they’re good things. Sometimes they’re to test our heart like He did with Abraham and Issac. Other times, it’s to lead us into something greater.
In either situation, trust and wholehearted obedience are vital.
I couldn’t tell you how I think this is going to work out. I genuinely don’t know. All I can tell you is that I’m leaning on the Lord more than ever and daily trusting Him to lead me where He wants me. I know it will be worth it.
