The Parable
Imagine a husband and wife lying on the couch. They’re in comfortable pajamas, sharing m&m’s from a small bowl on the coffee table, and just finished watching the third episode of his favorite show on Netflix.
The wife turns around to face her husband with a flirtatious half-smile, and softly speaks of her affections for him as she strokes his hair. She gushes out affirmation upon affirmation, attempting to illicit a response. She notices that he’s staring blankly at her, as if to say with his eyes, “Are you done yet?”
Her smile begins to fade, and she brings her rant to an awkward close. She looks into his eyes as a million lies rush through her head: “Why isn’t he responding?” “He probably doesn’t love me” “I look like a fool” “What is going on in his mind?”
Growing internally frustrated, she half-jokingly comments, “You must not be feeling as sappy as I am tonight”, and musters up enough strength to giggle and smile, desperately trying to hide the fear of being heart-wrenchingly rejected by the man she loves most.
He looks at her and shrugs, as if it is no big deal. “I’m never like that. It’s just not me.”
The Lord often speaks to me through parables, so I thought I would share some of the revelations I’ve been receiving. It has widened my perspective on many subjects, and hope it blesses and speaks to you as it did me.
Some may applaud the man in this parable for being secure and aware of “who he is”, but I believe as a culture, we have glorified these statements of selfishness and masked them as self-awareness and personal identity.
Because I don’t like the outdoors – I don’t have to go outside.
Because I’m not naturally affectionate – I don’t have to show affection.
If it’s not “me” – I don’t have to do it.
I believe the wife in the parable could have communicated more clearly what she needed from him to feel loved, but why is it important for the husband to respond to her need, verses her just accepting “the way he is”?
We need to understand this important concept: Selflessness is NOT natural. It’s easy to love someone who is EXACTLY like you. If anything, it’s rather convenient. It’s an entirely different experience loving and communicating love to someone that is different than you.
Physical Touch is my #1 Love Language. I’ve been told I’m a touch-addict. If someone approached me and needed a hug, I would be MORE than happy to do that “for them”. In reality, that doesn’t stretch me in selflessness because I enjoy the physical touch probably as much as they receive from it.
On the other hand, I hate video games. When I have friends who suggest that they want to play Xbox or some other gaming device, everything in me will want to direct their attention to a different activity. In that situation, if I were to say, “Nope, can’t do that for you. It’s just not me”, does that sound like a true friend?Furthermore, does that reflect the beauty and selflessness of Christ that we are called to display?
It’s not always comfortable, but if we are truly desiring to learn to love one another, we must realize that love is selfless. The focus should not be about how YOU GIVE love, but how THEY RECEIVE love.
I heard a great illustration of selflessness that had a huge impact on the way I see others. The pastor instructed the congregation to raise both of their hands above their head and clench their fists. He continued to talk for another 5 minutes about shifting perspective in the way we love others. A sigh of relief was heard throughout the crowd as he instructed them to lower their hands. “Now you know what it is like for a 3 year old to hold hands with his parents as they drag him around a theme park”. I did NOT see that coming.
What this pastor was saying is that our intention may be to show them love (just as the parents thought it was “loving” to hold the 3 year old’s hands around the park), but what we assume they need may actually hurt them. We need to get in THEIR world.
I’m getting ready to leave on the World Race.
The World Race is an 11-month mission journey to 11 different countries, forsaking the comforts of home, living out of a backpack, and linking up with organizations to serve the different communities we are immersed in around the world. In many countries, we may be required to take bucket showers or use squatty-potties. We communicate with the ministries about the needs of the community, and go from there.
In no way do I have a “natural desire” to use a squatty potty or to have all of my belongings in a backpack. It’s not me. The thought of possibly taking bucket showers for almost a whole year grosses me out. It’s not me. I love holding asian babies, but I don’t want to do anything where I get sweaty or dirty. It’s not me.
If I buy into the mindset of “It’s not me”, what kind of life will I be choosing to live?
A life of comfort and self-absorption.
No matter the situation, I need to ask myself: Is my heart positioned in selflessness? Is my heart positioned to serve them, no matter the cost to me?
What is THIER need or desire – Do they need a friend? Do they need someone to listen to their stories? Do they need you to cook dinner? Do they need someone to laugh with them or remind them that everything is going to be okay?
Before you assume what they need, ASK what they need, and be eager to fill that for them.
“Greater love has no one than this, that one lay down his life for his friends.” John 15:13
“For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.” Mark 10:45
“Though I am free and belong to no one, I have made myself a slave to everyone, to win as many as possible…I do all this for the sake of the gospel, that I may share in its blessings.” 1 Corinthians 9:19,23
“…put on the new self, which in the likeness of God has been created in righteousness and holiness of the truth.” Ephesians 4:24
So, I challenge you with this: You SHOULD change for someone. Love COMPELS US to step into selflessness, even beyond our own comfort. It requires us to change from our self-absorbed nature, to being a Christ-like servant. Don’t buy into the lie that you should only do what’s comfortable for you. Find ways to communicate love to those around you: Learn what their needs are, and love them the way THEY receive love. Whether it’s overseas or in your own home, embrace the journey and joys of selflessness.
“God invites us to experience a new freedom and a new joy that is found when we ignore our first selfish impulses and allow God’s Spirit to give us a heart for others. He wants to expand our focus and turn our eyes away from own small world, and to find ourselves by losing ourselves in service to His people.” – Gary Thomas
