“Guard your heart above all else, for it is the wellspring of life” Proverbs 4:23
My past few weeks in Serbia have been an emotional overload. Imagine the movie “Tangled” where Rapunzel was, as Flynn put it, “a little at war” with herself, mixed with all the emotions of “Inside Out” fighting over who gets control of the console. I’m the type of girl that experiences highs that are sky high and beyond, but the same is true of my lows. Feeling with such intensity can be both a blessing and a curse.
As a heavy feeler, I knew facing the reality of my emotions would be something I’d have to walk through, but I didn’t anticipate it being this early in my World Race.
The excitement of traveling to the nations, the painful sting of saying goodbye to friends and family, leaving everything that’s familiar, and being plunged into the unknown with people you barely know to embark on a grand adventure… is a lot to process.
I chose to drown myself in conversation, exploration, ministry, music, and dark chocolate. As days passed by, the emotions kept piling higher and higher. The feelings started creeping up, but I convinced myself to “take thoughts captive” and show “self-control.” I came to realize that being self-controlled does not mean emotionally repressed.
During one of my times alone with the Lord, I felt Him invite me to unplug from everything completely. I didn’t want to, but I knew that I needed to.
I’ve been afraid to sit in silence.
I’ve been afraid to be honest with my heart.
I’ve been afraid to feel.
As I sat there, the Lord showed me a picture.
If you’ve seen “The Matrix,” you’ll probably remember the scene where Morpheus approaches Neo with two pills. The blue pill will make him forget everything, but the red pill would show Neo “just how deep the rabbit hole goes.” In the same way, I felt the Lord give me that same choice. He extended His hands to me with one pill in each – one red and one blue.
If you choose the blue pill, you will go numb.
You will not feel pain, loss, nor sadness. You will feel nothing.
If you choose the red pill, you will feel.
You will feel pain, you will feel sorrow, you will feel joy, love, and excitement.
You will feel it all. And with this choice, I will feel with you.
The blue pill is such an easy way out. The catch about this option is that you cannot selectively numb the painful emotions of your heart. When you choose to numb your heart, you numb the WHOLE thing – that includes emotions such as joy, happiness, and love. Yes, avoiding pain is a tempting offer, but at what cost?
The red pill scared me. I didn’t know what emotions would flood my heart. The only comfort of the red pill was that I wouldn’t have to face the emotions alone, and the security of knowing that He would be with me far outweighed any fear that flooded my mind . My choice was made. Let’s see how deep this rabbit hole goes…
“God, I don’t know what is going on.
You know how to access my heart in a way that no one else can.
Pull out my emotions, no matter how messy it gets.”
In my mind, I glared upwards at this tidal wave of emotion as if to say, “Do your worst.” I braced myself for the impact. Tears started to flow as I laid on the maroon-patterned carpet of the sanctuary floor. The choice was made, and there’s no turning back.
I’m choosing to be courageous; I’m choosing to feel.
“Being courageous doesn’t mean that you aren’t afraid, it simply means that you won’t let fear stop you”
