My relationship with Jesus has always been anything but ordinary. He won my heart at such a young age, but since He was speaking to me so differently than He was to other believers, I began to doubt His voice. It was a constant struggle for me for years at a time.
I remember the day He gave me some insight on this matter. I was working at Swarovski, and when I wasn’t assisting customers, I was polishing the crystals in the display case. On this particular day, no one came into the store. I walked around the room admiring the crystals and taking in the sweet time I had without all the retail chaos. I carefully picked up one of the crystal figurines with my gloved hand. It was then that the Holy Spirit began to speak to me.
“Look at this crystal. Hold it still. Now you see the crystal from this perspective. You know it’s a crystal. Now, turn it just ever-so-slightly. Your view of this crystal is now different, but it’s the same crystal.”
I remember holding the crystal and being struck with awe as I pieced together what the Holy Spirit was saying to me. He’s the same God; He’s just showing you a different side of Himself!
I remember feeling the high of that revelation. I was filled with zeal and passion and immediately told almost everyone I came in contact with about what God just showed me. They rejoiced with me and many were encouraged.
I wish I could say that I continued to hold firm to this revealed truth, but unfortunately, that has not been the case.
The first few months of my World Race we’re not what I pictured at all. In fact, Training Camp was the most spiritual persecution I’ve faced in my entire life. My heart was alive and in love with the Lord, and I was ready to change the world with the love that was graciously given to me. I spun wildly during worship sessions, and couldn’t shut up about what God was doing! I thought everything was going so well, until I was approached by people who said I was being “fake“. Worst part was that it wasn’t just one person. It broke my heart. From that moment forward, I felt so incredibly lonely and unwanted, and I almost decided not to come on the Race.
It wasn’t until the last day of Training Camp that I finally pulled another AIM staff member and his wife aside and told them everything. My face was stained with tears and orange paint as I poured my heart out to them. They listened with familiar grace and tenderness, and refreshed my soul with truth and affirmation. “Some people have never seen what you have with the Lord, and people don’t like what they don’t understand. Just keep loving Him with your whole heart. You’re not doing anything wrong.”
Again, I wish I could say that second reminder was enough to sustain me, but I fell discouraged not long after that.
The first 4 months of my World Race were hard. Like really hard.
I’ve never been so discouraged in my life – and unfortunately, it was by the very people I came across the globe to serve with. I continued to serve and love God, but anytime it was seen by the people around me, it caused problems. The enemy knew it was hurting me, so he grabbed his megaphone and started shouting those lies in my ear. You’re fake. Stop fooling yourself. You don’t love God. Just stop already. I felt so misunderstood and my heart hurt. I just want the freedom to love God – is that really too much to ask?! Apparently it was.
So I stopped showing it.
My private relationship with the Lord remained vibrant and intimate, but I learned to control my affections when I was around other people. I waited to get alone so I could freely lavish Him with the the affection He deserved.
When I think of this situation, I imagine a husband and wife walking in public.
They’re strolling around the park, laughing and holding hands. He leans in for a kiss, and she gets lost in the moment. From across the park, people begin to make snide comments. Get a room. Seriously? Take that somewhere else. The woman stops because it’s causing a scene and says to her husband, “Let’s just go home.” She doesn’t want to endure the jeering of others when all she wants is to get lost in the ecstasy of loving her husband.
I’ve spent a lot of alone time on the Race, although I’m a raging extrovert, because of this very reason. I needed to be free to love Him.
Fast forward to THIS month – Month 8 – in Siem Reap, Cambodia.
I remember being with my new team sitting around the guesthouse pool for some corporate worship. I stood in the back and felt a rush of the Holy Spirit.
No, God. Not here. Wait until I get in my room. Please, they’ll see.
“Kayla. I love PDA.”
I was flooded with fear. I didn’t want to endure the criticism and judgement again. I didn’t think I could survive it, but I couldn’t fight Him. My love for Him was too strong. Its like the husband from the story coming up behind his wife and kissing her neck as if he was wordlessly saying “My only concern is loving you.” I felt Him so close to me, just pulling my heart to get lost in that moment with Him… in public.
He grabbed my face, caressing both of my cheeks firmly yet tenderly, and pulled me close.
“Look at Me.”
I could only see His face. My heart fluttered and my eyes welled up with tears, overwhelmed by this great love. And He kissed me. I fell on my knees then quickly ran to my room in tears. God, you can’t do this to me. I can’t control my heart for You when you do that.
“It’s not meant to be controlled. Kayla, you can love me as much as you want, because I will always love you more.”
He’s been saying this to me for months, but I don’t think it sunk in until this moment.
My God loved me publicly. He loved me enough to die on a cross for the whole world to see. He loved me publicly when His friends betrayed Him and people mocked Him. He never let anything stop Him from displaying His love for me – and I want to do the same.
I will no longer refrain myself from talking about Him. I won’t stop lifting my hands and twirling in the prayer room. I won’t apologize for crying when He encounters me. I’ll love him in a box, in a tree, across the world, or publicly! I will love Him with my whole heart for my whole life.
Nothing is gonna hold me back. Not anymore.
