<<< Rewind to Month 2: Lesvos, Greece; November 2015
I sat with Emmanuel for hours as he shared dreams about life on the frontlines – being the first to respond during a natural disaster, living in the back of a truck with his family, eating canned beans, as they saved the lives of many all over the world. As the refugee site coordinator, he was, in part, already living this out. We saw him at the camp working endless hours, even DAYS at a time, sometimes only briefly taking a nap in the corner of the food tent. From handling never-ending logistical questions, conducting supply inventory, rescuing drowning refugees from capsizing lifeboats, to providing medical exams, playing with children, and managing countess volunteers… This guy did it all.
His lifestyle and future dreams rose a question in me that I was too afraid to answer. Could I ever do something like that?
I sat with the Lord many times during my stay in Lesvos. I would often pace the living room of the apartment listening to some kind of worship music or IHOP sermon as I verbally processed the complex-analytical thoughts of my mind. 9 times out of 10, I ended up collapsing on the couch in frustrated defeat asking God to just say something. Anything. This was one of those times.
I faced the couch, fell like a plank of wood, and let out a muffled screamed as my face hit the pillow.
“I don’t wanna eat beans!”
The emotions whirled inside me like an unwanted tornado. What if that’s part of my story? What if that’s something God is preparing me for? Please God. No. I don’t think I can do it – I can’t , I just can’t. After a couple minutes of pure, unadulterated panic, I let out a final exhale before falling silent.
After a few minutes, the Lord spoke in the stillness of the room.
Are you in this for better or for worse?
He began to show me a man and woman that were talking about getting married. The man spoke fondly of his affections for the woman and how he would always love her. The man paused. “unless you get cancer, or get put in a wheel chair, or if you contract an incurable disease…” The list continued on.
“His love has limits,” I internally protested. “That’s not REAL love! Sure, those are scary situations, but if he REALLY loved her, he would stay by her side…” I paused. “For better or for worse.”
I sat up on the couch. The reality of what God was saying gripped me to my core. I didn’t like it one bit, but I knew it was true.
My love for God had limitations.
With my face buried in my hands and my elbows on my knees, I leaned over the couch and wept. Waves of guilt and shame crashed over me like a monsoon.
“God, I don’t want limits on my love for You. I want to be with You, by Your side, forever and always. I’ll follow you to a mansion or a cardboard box. I’ll live in a city or out of my car. As long as I’m with You. That’s all I want. That’s all that matters.”
The waves of shame subsided as I felt a rush of His presence fill the room.
“I need to be more madly in love with You, God. That’s the only way I can walk through whatever comes. Stir up my affections. Stir up my love for You in such a way that I’ll do anything, ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING, in order to be with You.”
I knew that if I loved Him enough, it wouldn’t matter what circumstance came my way. It wouldn’t matter what story He gave me to walk out.
I signed up “for better or for worse.” Come what may.
>>> Fast Forward to Month 9: Chiang Mai, Thailand; May 2016
We’ve been scheduled to host an Educational/VBS summer camp for orphaned/at-risk children ranging from 1st-6th grade. We came prepared with games, activities, songs, and other creative methods of teaching. I’ve been pretty stoked to get in the classroom again. And I did. For ONE day.
Without going into all the details, I found out later that day that I have some internal bleeding in either my colon or small intestine. My host recommended that I go to a bigger city to run some tests to find what is causing it.
I woke up the next day feeling dizzy and weak, and I decided to stay back from ministry. The Lord reminded me of Lesvos and the question of sticking with Him “for better or for worse.” Even if it’s not the story or situation I want, will I still hold tight to Him willingly?
Nothing in me wants to leave. Especially, not to a hospital with doctors and questions and unknowns.
I want THIS to be my story. I want 150+ Thai kids calling out for “Teecha Keeyla”. I want games, drawings, creativity, joy, and laughter. I want to see the kids fall in love with Jesus as we sing songs and dance.
But my mind is set on being with Him, above all else. And I know this is the story He has for me to walk out. I don’t see any good that can come from this, but I know He’s good.
We sang this song with our Thai kids the first day of our summer camp.
“My God is so BIG, so STRONG, and so MIGHTY
There’s nothing my God can not do. For YOU!”
Even in its simplicity, it holds such a strong truth.
My God is so big, so strong, and so mighty… and I’m not leaving His side. No matter where He leads me. He’s got me. And I can trust Him. For better or for worse.
