I want to shed light on the issue of struggles vs identity.
I suffered with anxiety attacks for far too long. Years of dealing with depression and anxiety was the culmination of deeply rooted insecurity, failed relationships, heartache, and loneliness.
Anxiety attacks became so much a part of my life, that I began to give it a name – My anxiety. I owned it. It was mine, and it was a part of me.
I would search for blogs and articles about anxiety for validation, desperately trying to justify my behavior. I felt shame for having a struggle, when others told me I should be completely free in Christ. I thought something must be wrong with me, or that, maybe, somehow, they were wrong.
“This isn’t something I chose”, I would respond defensively.
And you know what? That’s true.
I wouldn’t have chosen to have anxiety attacks until 5:30am for months at a time. I wouldn’t have chosen to spend countless days in my room with a racing heartbeat and a mind that wouldn’t shut off for anything. I wouldn’t have chosen to see a therapist or take anti-anxiety medication, but it was all becoming too much for me to handle.
The Lord has been shining light on this topic for quite some time now, and I wish I could have told myself this 5 years ago.
Depression and anxiety isn’t something you choose, but it doesn’t have to be something you own.
Anxiety robs so many powerful people of their confidence and beauty. I see so many women around me that are caged by anxiety. They’ve unknowingly made themselves a housepet, when they were always meant to be unleashed, untamed, and shamelessly bold.
Please hear me – if you struggle with anxiety, this is not an attack against you, nor a blog to shame you in your current state. Instead, this is written to urge you to see your condition rightly and to offer you hope.
For Jameson’s teamtime, we watched a movie called Bridge Of Spies. Its set during the Cold War, and Tom Hanks plays the lawyer (James Donovan) representing the Russian spy (Rudolf Abel). The Lord has been rewriting my definition of bravery, and this quote stood out to me as the perfect example of what He’s been showing me.
Rudolf Abel: Standing there like that you reminded me of the man that used to come to our house when I was young. My father used to say: “watch this man”. So I did. Every time he came. And never once did he do anything remarkable.
James Donovan: And I remind you of him?
Rudolf Abel: This one time, I was at the age of your son, our house was overrun by partisan border guards. Dozens of them. My father was beaten, my mother was beaten, and this man, my father’s friend, he was beaten. And I watched this man. Every time they hit him, he stood back up again. So they hit him harder. Still he got back to his feet. I think because of this, they stopped the beating. They let him live. “Stoikiy muzhik”, I remember them saying. Which sort of means like uh, “standing man”… standing man…
There is NO SHAME in what you are tempted with. The enemy grabs the loudest megaphone and shouts in your ear whatever HE wants. That is NOT on you. Even if that awful thought seems to be on REPEAT, that is NOT on you. That’s the enemy shouting LIES, desperately trying to convince you that its truth.
Your job, when those thoughts flood your mind, is to take it captive.
I’m calling you to STAND. Stand FIRM, with the Truth of God’s goodness and Identity over your life buckled around your waist. BE the standing man.
Anxiety is your enemy, not your identity.
