About this time last year, I was preparing to leave for the race. I was giving my last few presentations at local churches. I was spending time with family in friends and getting my last few moments of life at home before embarking into the great unknown. I was excited beyond measure for the life that awaited me overseas and yet at the same time slightly nervous. Who knew what would happen to me while I was gone? Who knew what would happen at home while I was away? In a frenzy of emotions, I prepared to set forth on the adventure of a life time. There were so many memories in store and my excited heart threatened to burst in anticipation!
After being home for about two weeks now, my heart is weary and my spirit weak. I had expected culture shock all around the world. What I had not expected was reverse culture shock to hit me as hard as it has. Re-entry is hard. The race feels like a distant memory. That’s all I have right now: my memories. And even those are hard to share with people. It’s hard to relate when others are talking about normal things and it triggers a memory which you share by stating “Oh, when I was in Swaziland the same kind of thing happened…..”
I think I jumped back in too early. I might have gone back to work a little too quick. The work’s not hard, so I figured I could handle it. Now I realize that I might have gone back to work to help distract me from the act of processing my re-entry. It’s been a wonderful distraction. Between work and the television (I’m catching up on my favorite shows), my mind hasn’t had a spare minute to process being back home. But the longer I go on, the more I realize my memories are becoming foggier and foggier. It’s almost like my experience on the race was but a dream. And I hate it.
No, it wasn’t a dream. It was an amazing experience filled with awesome people. It was the opportunity to spread the name of Jesus to the nations! It was a season of loving kindness, of learning who Jesus really is, and of learning how to be more like Him. It was a year of experiencing the most intimacy with the Lord that I have ever felt before! Yes, it was full of hard times as well, but it was a year so completely and utterly filled with Jesus that I can’t even begin to put it to words. And yet, now it seems to be slipping from my mind.
I’ve put myself into the mode of complete distraction. I have not spent time with the Father really at all since returning. It seemed so much easier when I was surrounded by others who pursued the Lord as intensely and openly as I did. But I suppose when you live in as close community as I have the last 11 months, you are encouraged by everyone else’s daily devotionals because you see them doing it right before your very eyes. It challenges you to do the same. Now I’m home and my relationship with the Lord has gotten weaker. I don’t know why I haven’t had the same discipline with my devotions as I did on the race. It’s not just the discipline, but the desire is what I’m really lacking. It’s shameful, but it’s honest.
The beautiful thing about this is that even when I am weak, even when I am a mess, Jesus is my strength. There’s redemption and rest in His wings. Though I may feel far from Him right now, He’s never been far from me. He’s always had me in the palm of His hand. And even if I let Him down time and time again, He is always there to extend His love towards me. And even in this messy state, He’s making something beautiful. I will continue to trust in Him and rest inHis arms, knowing that He has me fully covered under the shadow of His wings.
I could really use your prayers. Please pray for me to stop distracting myself and to have the passion and desire to spend time with the Lord and process this past year. Pray that the Lord would really put it on my heart to be intentional with spending time with Him. Pray that I would truly rest in His wings. Thank you so much!
With Love,
Kayla
