Words have come hard lately. I can’t count the number of times I have thought about trying to write a new blog, only to come up with an empty page. There are so many things that I could write about. I could even slack off and bore you with a daily schedule or something of that nature, but even in my attempts to do that, I have come up empty.
I’ve heard of writers getting the typical “writers block”, where the author hits a wall and is unable to come up with new ideas to scribble down on their notepad. This has been my life the past month. I wasn’t sure what was causing it, but I had definitely hit a wall.
I realize that I have come against many walls throughout this month. My fundraising account has come to a stand still, and I’m not really sure how to take steps forward from here. How do I fundraise while away from home? What does that look like? How can I make an impact and share with people all that God is doing in me and through me in this season? (I am still praying about all this, but if you happen to have any ideas, just let me know:))
Even in my relationship with God, I’ve also found myself fighting against walls. These past few weeks have been hard. I’ve felt disconnected from those around me and from God Himself at times. The Lord revealed to me shortly after arriving at CGA that I have lost sight of my identity in who He is calling me to be. I had a grasp on it at one point during the World Race, but something has happened to where I’ve lost it.
And I’ve desperately been trying to find it.
I’ve called out to God in prayer, I’ve reached out to some of my trusted friends, and I’ve gone back to words that He has spoken to me previously. And the Lord has been so faithful in providing words of knowledge revealing my identity. I have a “head knowledge” of these truths, but my “heart knowledge” is somewhat lacking. And I’m hungry for it. I just so desperately want to get it, to have a full grasp on how the Lord sees me and have it be unshakable. And yet there is something in my way.
Recently, while on a trip to Pennsylvania with the Worship track, which is my “class” at CGA, the Lord gave me a revelation for what was in my way. I had these walls up, around myself, protecting myself. I realized that while being at CGA, I have allowed a lot of insecurities in me to rise up. My “old self” (Ephesians 4:22-24) has resurfaced and in order to protect myself from rejection of others, I have erected walls.
I haven’t felt “good enough” to be here. I look around the Adventures in Missions office and see so many people who are walking in the giftings that the Lord has given them. I see joy. I see intelligence. I see people who love the Lord with their whole heart. I see people of intentionality and purpose. I have seen these things and allowed myself to become intimidated, not by anything that anyone was doing, but by the sheer fact that I didn’t feel like I could measure up. And so in that, I have these walls up all around me, to protect myself from not being able to measure up.
And it has killed me.
Not knowing what I was doing, I cut off my confidence in the person that the Lord has created me to be. I allowed fear of rejection to overtake me and wall me in. No wonder I felt disconnected. I wouldn’t let anyone truly in because I wouldn’t let my true self out! I found myself always thinking about “how would other people respond if I said this?”, or “what would they do if I did that?” I was no longer living in the freedom that Christ gave me, but rather living in fear. That fear was causing me to have a slave mentality. I long to take back up my “new self” that’s talked about in Ephesians and yet I feel this internal struggle, this wrestling with God in what that would even look like. How I long to break free from this fight!!!
And yet, even in it, the Lord is so good. He is faithful and He is revealing to me what my identity truly is. He has made me aware of the walls that I have erected, and by doing so has given me the responsibility of taking them down (I’m working on it). He is a gentleman, who doesn’t force Himself or His will upon us, but gives us free will to make the choice. He gives us the ability to choose freedom.
I want it. I want it so bad it hurts. I’m hungry for it. I’m searching for it and asking for it. The Lord is good. He’s a good Father that gives good gifts and even if this process is hard, it is good and for my good. I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that I am going to come out of this standing firm on the foundation of the Lord, and solid in who He has created me to be. He’s blowing new life into these dry bones. I feel it. I’m on the verge of it. I’m slowly coming to life. And I’m super excited.
