Warning: This post is going to be me in a raw state. It's going to be all in, nothing held back, just pure honesty. Me being honest with myself and sharing those thoughts with you all.
It's been a while. A long time since I have blogged actually. This is not a normal thing for me. I have just been going through so many different emotions and circumstances while I was moving and in the past few weeks following that I simply decided not to blog. Reflecting back on it, all I really was was lost. Not a permanent lost, just temporarily, which is the funny thing about being lost. Something lost can always found. If a person searches long enough, and hard enough IT. CAN. BE. FOUND. I don't know about you, but I don't have the patience for a search that involved most of the time. Now let me back up a couple weeks, for those of you who are wondering what the heck I am talking about.
A few weeks ago, I hopped on a plane east bound from the sunny state of California, where I had been living for the past year and a half or so. I made a pit stop in Maryland for what was supposed to be a few days. I stayed with one of my best friends, who is like a sister to me. The time was sweet. We hadn't seen each other in almost two years. Then hurricane Sandy hit and my plane got delayed a few more days, which was awesome (Not the storm just the extra time) because that just meant I got to spend more time with this wonderful Jesus sister of mine. It was a time of encouragement, a time of excitement, and a time of bonding. It was a blessing from God and I am thankful for it. Sadly though I still had further east and a whole lot further north to go. I made it home, to the cold weather of northern Maine. I was able to spend time with family and with friends who I hadn't seen in a long time. I entered once again in to fellowship with other believers. All was good. Or so I pretended it was.
I was "out of my groove" so to speak. Ever since I left California, my devotional time had seriously diminished. In fact. it is basically at a stand still. And honestly, I had no deep desire to return to it. A horrible thing for a Christian to feel, but it's true. I didn't want to bother when I had "so many other things to do". And still, God continued to move. He blessed me with a job I didn't even have to search for, I was hired on the spot. He provided me with some anonymous donors supporting my trip as well as some local missions groups that wanted to combine efforts to raise money for all of us together. I thanked Him. I praised Him, but I still didn't dig into the Word like I should. I didn't seek to know Him more or seek His Face.
And still God moved. When I was hired, I was told that I would only be part time and not to expect more than 20-25 hours a week. I have not seen less than 31 hours in a work week so far. God is good! Again I thanked Him and I praised Him, but I did not seek Him. And even in the midst of all of this provision, I felt totally lost. I've been struggling to feel His Presence. And I can feel the effects of this lost relationship. I feel like a sponge that was wet and then stuck outside in the sun to dry for too long. I feel curled up, withered, and brittle, like even the smallest touch could cause me to crumble to pieces. I need Water. I need Life. Holy Spirit, breathe me back to Life again.
And through this all, God is showing me what it means to be pursued, what it means to be sought after. Yes, I was feeling lost. But in all that time, God continued to pursue me. He continued to search for me. In fact, He didn't really have to search at all. He knew right where I was the whole time. But He didn't push me, He didn't rush me. He knew that part of this moving included a sort of grieving process. I longed for the things I left behind; my wonderful church family, my friends, and my family that I had to say good bye to. I was trying to sort it all out on my own I guess. He was there the whole time, watching me, speaking to me, but I was refusing to listen. "My sheep hear my voice" (John 10:27) is so true. However, sometimes the sheep can be stubborn and decide to try things their own way instead. And sometimes, during this "adventure" the sheep get lost. Then steps up the Shepherd, searching for that lost sheep. The Shepherd never gives up His search. He has the patience to pursue until He has found it. Let it be known: I. HAVE. BEEN. FOUND.
I can't do this on my own. I don't know why I ever thought I could. My Shepherd has called to me. I have heard His Voice. And I have responded. He never gave up on me, He never gives up on me. He is faithful till the end and even more so. No one has ever pursued me the way the My Savior pursues me. I had never considered myself as "sought after" before… until now. I am not perfect. I will never be perfect. But God wants me anyway. He has accepted me for who I am, where I am currently. He loves me just the way that I am. But He refuses to leave me there. Thank You Daddy.
Father, I thank You for Your relentless pursuit of me. I thank You for Your Love and Your faithfulness. I pray that You would breathe new life into me. Stir an awakening within my soul. Replenish my dry bones with Your Living Water, that I may be restored. Draw me near to You, Daddy. Pull me under the refuge of Your wings. May You give me an overwhelming desire to seek You Face God, to long after You and desire to know You more intimately every day. Speak to me Lord, give me direction. May I hear Your Voice clearly and obey. Thank You Lord. Amen.
"Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying "this is the way, walk in it." Isaiah 30:21
"The Lord is my Shepherd, I lack nothing. He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he restores my soul. He guides me along the right paths for his Name's sake." Psalm 21:1-3
