Sometimes things don’t work out exactly as we would hope. It’d hard and that’s all right. When faced with fears, we have two choices: 1) we can look at them and run away or 2) we can see them for what they are and run TOWARD them. Most people’s natural reaction when faced with their fear is to run away. But I don’t want to be like that. I want to be able to say that I have looked fear in the face and challenged it. I want to overcome fear.
Over the course of the past week, God began to reveal to me that I had a fear I was unaware of. I know that sounds odd, but I had pushed it aside and buried it so far down that I couldn’t even tell where the hole was dug. But God is a loving God and though He loves me just the way I am, He refuses to leave me there. With time, He shows me things I need to work on, things I need to get rid of so that I can be taken higher with Him. During this past week of training camp, He revealed to me a major fear: girls.
Yeah, I’m sure that sounds silly. After all, I am a girl, so why should I be afraid of them? This week God showed me just how much girls from my past have hurt me. As a child, I struggled to be accepted for who I was, the tom boy that I am. I love sports and I dress in athletic gear almost all the time. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mind dressing nice or wearing make up at times, but it’s uncomfortable to me. I spent so much of my younger years being told by several girls in my life that I was not enough if I wasn’t pretty. I had been teased and mocked for years in school because of the way I dressed, the way I looked, or even the way I acted. I gravitated towards guys for friends because I felt accepted by them. They didn’t see me as a girlfriend, they saw me as a friend who happened to be a girl. They were my safe zone. I could be who I was around them without having to worry about what they thought of me. And I was further teased by girls for this, but I didn’t care. At least the guys accepted me and they enjoyed doing what I enjoyed, mostly playing basketball.
Finally, I tried to change how I was. I turned into the girly girl who always wore make up and dressed in cute outfits and spent an hour doing my hair. However, this changed my relationships with my guys friends. Suddenly, I wasn’t just a tom boy, but I was a girl with the potential to be a girlfriend. I thought I would be accepted by the girls finally. Instead of being accepted as “one of them”, I was put into a place of superficial acceptance. They talked to me, but there was never any depth to our friendships. The girl I had been as a tom boy suddenly became the girl who was a threat. So many fights broke out, over who I was as a person and who I should be. During this entire season in my life, I never felt like I could be myself. And it was exhausting. Trying to be something your not 24/7 is hard work. It’s suffocating. But the years dragged on, from high school to college where I tried to become the girl that everyone wanted me to be. I couldn’t find true acceptance among my own sex and the guys that paid attention to me only wanted me for one thing.
When I got saved in 2010, the Lord freed me from those feelings of needing to be accepted by girls or guys. He gave me a freedom to be exactly who I was, a sporty girl who loved Jesus with all my heart. And it was glorious! I dressed in my athletic fashion, and returned to play basketball for my junior and senior years of college. Life was good! I had some dear friends who are girls who loved the Lord just as much as I did. Yet, I still found myself gravitating towards guys for friendships. It was still my “safe zone”.
Fast forward to World Race training camp. Naturally, I had gravitated towards guys on my squad. I had tried to talk to many of the girls as well, but I really wanted to be on a team with guys for my 11 months. My gravitation towards guys has nothing to do with intimate relationships or romantic intentions, it’s just that I have always gotten along better with guys. I had told myself going into training camp that I did not want to “put together” people in my head that I would want to be on a team with. I wanted zero expectations to allow the Lord to work in me. However, when you spend so much time with people in such close proximity, it’s only a short time before you find yourself subconsciously creating your ultimate “dream team” in your mind. I wanted to be on a team with guys. I DID NOT want to be on an all girl team.
When the teams where announced, my heart sank. My biggest fear was realized. I was placed on an all girl team. We came together as a team. Our team leader spoke about how excited she was for our team, but honestly I don’t remember most of what she said. I was numb. We decided to get ready for our team building activity together and I immediately began to cry and sought out one of our squad leaders. I was completely vulnerable with her and spoke through my tears about this fear and how overwhelmed I suddenly was.
I was having an argument with the Lord. I had felt like I had already sacrificed so much by switching from R squad to Q squad a week before training camp. Why God were You taking away everything I was holding on to? Why did I have to sacrifice even more? I explained like I felt like the Lord was ripping out everything that I was holding on to, all of my “safe places”. And then it dawned on me. Maybe God was ripping away everything I was holding on to because, in all actuality, I should be holding on to Him. He is my safe place. He is a jealous God and He should be all that I need. If I was so desperately holding on to other things, then my hands are full and I am unable to hold onto Him.
Ouch. That one hurt a little. I began to lay this over to the Lord. I trust the AIM staff, that they are earnestly seeking the Lord’s face in all of these team placements. I trust God, that He knows what He’s doing. After all, if I thought being on a team with guys was going to be awesome, how much more awesome will this team of amazing women be. His ways are so much higher than ours.
I was totally honest with my team. I shared my fears and my weaknesses with them. I told them that it was not anything that they were doing or who they were, just that God was working in me and challenging me in new ways and it was scary. And they were so honest and loving. They accepted me for who I was and where I was at. And I am so grateful. I am now confident that the Lord will do great things through my team this year. We will challenge each other in new ways. We will grow together. It won’t always be easy, but The Lord will use this time to grow me. That’s what I want most, to let go of everything I have been holding onto, so that I can hold onto Him, my one true Safe Place.
