God has been speaking to me all day about beauty. Actually, the topic first came up yesterday. I'm embarrassed to admit that I was watching America's Next Top Model, but God used the show to open my eyes to something. I found myself saying, I wish I looked like her. This was promptly followed by a Whoa there. Stop and take a second to think about what you just said. I have never wanted to be a model. I've never wanted to be anything remotely close to a model. Honesty, I find the vanity and twisted understanding of the "beauty" that is modeling to be, well, unrealistic and unattractive to day the least. (Why I was watching this show, I have no idea). So it surprised me that I found myself wishing I looked like the girls I saw on the T.V. in front of me. Yes, they were beautiful. They had the perfect hair, the amazing bodies, and the high fashion look.
I guess I have always struggled with the idea of beauty. I have been a tom boy since I was young. I preferred to play sports with the boys than play with Barbie dolls with the girls. I liked to run around, get dirty, and explore the great unknown. I have played sports since I was 5. I was never very good with fashion. (I had a hard time even making my clothes match for a long time) I didn't like to sit around and paint my nails, braid each others hair, or talk about how hot Joey and Tom were. Never was my cup of tea. Most days you would find me in my sweatpants or basketball shorts, a baggy t-shirt or cut off t-shirt, high socks and either sandals or sneakers. I rarely wore my hair down, always up in a pony tail or bun, and never wore makeup. However, when I got up in to high school, I noticed one thing. Boys like to play ball with the tom boy, but they never thought twice about dating the tomboy. Every girl wants to be seen as being beautiful.
So I traded in the tom boy look for the "girlie" girl look. I started wearing my hair down, wearing make up, and dressing in more feminine clothing. And suddenly, I was pretty. I was attractive. The guys liked me, I got a boy friend. And my little heart soared. It said I am beautiful. I am attractive. I am loved. But outer beauty only gets you what your heart really doesn't want. I strived so hard to be pretty and acceptable by what the world says, that I started to lose myself in the process. I started wearing skimpier clothes. (That's what the guys liked after all) And suddenly it became more about what I could offer them and less about who I am as a person. And heartache after heart ache followed. This all occurred before I became a Christian.
After I committed my life to Christ, God showed me that I am beautiful, just as I am. I am beautiful in my sweatpants because what the world considers true beauty is not what He sees as true beauty. I felt such a freedom in this discovery! It's not about outer beauty, but about your inner beauty. I'm reminded of the story of Esther. Naturally, most people focus on Esther when you talk about her story. However, I want to start at the beginning. I want you to consider the person that Esther replaced, Queen Vashti. Queen Vashti was very well known for her beauty. She was so beautiful that King Xerxes wanted her to come to his banquet to show her off to all of his guests.
"On the seventh day, when King Xerxes was in high spirits form wine, he commanded the seven eunuchs who served him- Mehuman, Biztha, Harbona, Bigtha, Abagtha, Zethar and Karkas- to bring before him Queen Vashti, wearing her royal crown ,in order to display her beauty to the people and nobles, for she was lovely to look at." Esther 1:11
Queen Vashit, however, refused. And as a result she was stripped of her title as queen and banished from the kings sight. Poor Vashti. I wonder how she must have felt. She was holding a banquet herself, for the women, when King Vashti called her into his party. Was she ever really loved for just who she was, more than a beautiful woman to look at? Did anyone else see past her pretty face? Did anyone long to know her heart? Obviously, she had had enough of it, because she refused to enter into the King's presence. She finally took a stand. She felt pain after it, she was hurt and sent away, (well at least I would assume one would be hurt after such an ordeal), but she remained true to her heart.
​God has made it known that we are not to look to the world to get our "standards of living" so to speak. When he was looking for a king for Israel after Saul, He chose David. The world saw David as young, a weakling, incapable of being a strong leader. Even Samuel, God's prophet, had doubts. But God assured him, saying "The Lord does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart." 1 Samuel 16:7
So God looks at the heart. Is my heart beautiful? What a reality check. I want my heart to be beautiful, but I know that there are still a lot of dark and broken places there. God has already healed so much in my heart. He still i sworking on it. It's a process after all. But I believe that if one has a beautiful heart, it will shine out. You'll be able to see the beauty in their eyes, in their smile. I want that. Lately, I have found myself back on that track of making sure I make my hair look good and wear makeup and nice clothes. But the truth is, through all that I have just be uncomfortable. I have not been me. I'm not saying that making yourself look nice is ever a bad thing. What I am saying is that pretending to be something you are not to please others is. I want to be beautiful. I want the light of Jesus to shine through to others. I want to be that Proverbs 31 woman. I want to be filled with such a love for the Lord, that the beauty of it is evident. It's about inner beauty!
"Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight." 1 Peter 3:3-4
I find myself wanting to take a step further. That this lesson is good, but there is still a restlessness within me. God is doing something new. He is trying to push me outside my comfort zone. I am not quite sure what that looks like. I have so many ideas going through my mind. But I know that it's going to be seen as "crazy" to some people. It's going to seem unnecessary. But in all honesty, it is necessary. I want to take this next step. I want to dive in, to go deeper with God. And whatever this next step in discovering my inner beauty is, I know that it will be good. It will be challenging, but my Daddy is there to hold my hand. He is there to give me courage, to guide me and instruct me. And once I know what this next step is, for sure, I will share it with you all. Be excited! Be encouraged! You are beautiful!
