Last night as I sat with my team leader, she encouraged me to pray about Vietnam. We are coming up on the end of our time here in Cambodia, and she asked me how I was feeling about it. In all honesty, I have never wanted to go to Vietnam. When I switched routes, I saw that Vietnam was on the list for Q squad. My first thought was “Ugh….Vietnam????” I definitely never wanted to go there. I still don’t. I have zero desire to spend an entire month there. I don’t even know why I don’t want to go. I have no real logical reasoning behind it, just this distaste in my mouth that left me questioning why.
As the past two months have flown by, my dread of Vietnam has only intensified. I have been wondering why I have such a disliking for this country. Even through these feelings, I can’t help but think that God must have something big planned for me in Vietnam. It’s the only thing that makes sense to me when I try to figure out why I don’t want to go there. I’ve never not wanted to go to a country so bad. But my own hesitations make me wonder if the reason I am not wanting to go to Vietnam is really just something from the enemy. Maybe the reason I don’t want to go is because God is planning something big and satan doesn’t want that to happen.
When Candice was encouraging me to pray about Vietnam, she told me to ask the Lord for a specific word for Vietnam for me for the month. Even as we were talking, I felt the Lord answer right away…..
“BROKEN”
“Really, Lord? That’s the word your giving me for Vietnam? I do not like that word, can’t I have another?” I asked.
But no, that’s it. That’s my word for the month. Am I shocked? No, not really. Am I happy with it? No, not really. But I know that it will be ok. When I got back to my room, I got settled in for the night. I picked up a book by Seth Barnes, the founder of Adventures in Missions. The book is titled “Kingdom Journeys: Rediscovering the Lost Spiritual Discipline”. The book is basically about kingdom journeys and their different stages.
“A kingdom journey is first and foremost about expanding God’s reign in the world and increasing it inside our hearts”. (Kingdom Journeys, pg.55)
The first stage to a kingdom journey is abandonment. Been there, done that. I left behind everything I’ve ever known, all my family, my friends. Everything. I abandoned my own hopes and dreams to seek after the Lord.
I hadn’t read the book in a while. I pick it up and read it in waves. Last night, when I picked it up, I realized that I was at the chapter talking about the next stage: Brokenness.
“Ok, God I get the point.”
Do I know what this looks like? No I do not. And honestly I’m not very excited about it.
But if brokenness is what it takes to go to deeper depths of intimacy with the Lord, then bring it on. I want that. I want to increase God’s reign in my heart. I want Him to be all that I want and all that I need. I want Him to be my everything.
I’m embracing this word -and this country- for the next month. Stay tuned to see what God does..
