After being on the race now for nine months, I am now easily able to see a theme in the lessons God has been leading me through. The road I am on is one that is leading to not only discovering my identity but the freedom ad strength that comes from that identity. It has not been an easy journey, and it still isn’t easy. But I know that I can put my full faith in God to be there by my side through it all. And it’s a testament to how far I’ve come that I am even writing such a personal blog.
It all started at training camp. As we listened to messages about forgiveness, and the affects the past can have on our present, I started to realize where some of my problems came from. I have always struggled in the area of relationships, and for years thought it was just my own intravertedness propelled by hurts I’ve received over the years. I was able to see that a lot of what I struggle with is rooted in my insecurity of not feeling wanted and loved. Through talks with my parents, I have pinpointed where the root of my insecurities started. At the age of three, when my brother was just a baby, my parents spent long hours trying to comfort his upset stomach. And there were nights that I would come seeking them for some thing, and would be sent back to bed because they did not have time to give me attention. I believe that at that time, I told myself nobody was able to meet my own needs but me. And that if I wanted to be accepted and loved, that I had to be better, be perfect. I strived to do my best at everything I did, and hated when I failed or was embarrassed. I even put my brother down, in a subconscious attempt to feel better then him.
When different relationships I had growing up were broken, I began to close down emotionally and not let people in. I completely walled myself off after I went through a hard friendship lost when I came back from Trinidad. Without knowing it at the time, I vowed that no one would be able to hurt me again like I had just been hurt. That distrust of vulnerability and openness has been hurting my relationships up until the start of the race when I realized what was happening.
During month one as I began to process my desire to feel loved and wanted, I kept hearing about identity. I began to seek out my identity as God sees me. I have fallen in love with Psalm 139, and the words of how precious we are to Him. I know God loves me, and there is nothing that will break that love. I know and believe how precious I am to God, but it is still hard to deal with the lies that come my way. In Vietnam, the lies were winning in my life. I was struggling with who I was again, and not believing that my team was there for me. They were telling me one thing, but the lies were telling me another. I have since, tried to speak the truth I know over myself, when I feel lies trying to me down. As the lies lose their hold in my life, my confidence has increased.
I hope that as I continue to grow in my identity, that my confidence in who I am will help start knocking down the walls that I have built around my heart. Walls that have kept friends away. Walls that would eventually keep me from opening up to the guy that will be my husband someday. Walls that will keep me from what God is calling me to do. I still have a little ways to go to reach being completely open with anyone I come in contact with, but my trust in God gives me the freedom and courage to keep trusting. And I know that as keep finding myself in God, and resting in Him, that I will be able to become the woman He designed me to be.
