On my way home the other night I realized just how much control so many things have had on my life.
And then I laughed. Not because it was actually funny, but that God in His mercy would not leave me where I have been!
You see, I didn’t graduate high school. Not because I didn’t want to, or because I just couldn’t hack it, but because of circumstances that caused me to be 15 credits short from graduating my senior year. I could have gone back another year, but I gave up. I used to do that a lot…give up. Give up on myself for fear of failure or not being good enough. I used to give up on other people for fear that they would abandon me anyways. Why not do it for them before they had the chance? So, when the decision came to go back to school for another year, I said no. I quit.
When I was 20 I had this crazy desire to go to college. There was no way! I couldn’t finish high school. What made me think I could do college? I knew God had given me that desire, though. So, I went that same month and took the test for my GED. I passed with super high scores. Still, the thought of “what am I thinking?” flooded my mind.
I applied to two different private Christian colleges in North East Georgia. Emmanuel and Toccoa Falls. I was accepted to both.
HOW??
I started at Emmanuel on the day of my 21st birthday and graduated 4 years later with a BS degree. I was so proud of myself. I was the only one in my family, at the time, to go to college and finish. I had actually finished something worthwhile to me.
Years later, I applied for graduate school. I didn’t have a clue what I was thinking. But, as with anything else I’ve ever done that is life changing, life altering, I made the decision and jumped in head first hoping and praying I wouldn’t drown or break my neck in the process.
I applied to Liberty and that following week I was accepted and classes registered. It all happened so fast!
Over the past year I have experienced so much more than I can explain. I gave up a lot of my life to pursue what I felt God was calling me to in this season – school. Even though my relationship with God grew, there was still a part of me that could not let go of control, and I didn’t even realize it.
This past weekend I submitted my last research paper for my program. I first submitted my rough draft, which was totally fine, except that it made me look like I had plagiarized my final paper. I didn’t have a melt down, but I was a little stressed!
As I’m driving down the highway I have a conversation with the Lord and it went something a little like this…
Me: (coming up with every possible negative scenario available) “what if my instructor doesn’t see that it was my rough draft? What if they don’t let me graduate?? They take plagiarizing crazy serious and even though I would never think to do that, she doesn’t know me. What if she doesn’t check my rough draft? If I don’t graduate because of this one paper……God, this isn’t fair. I don’t get it. I have worked so hard to make this work, to keep my grades up, to do what you told me to do. Why, on the very last paper would this happen? If I don’t graduate, this would all be pointless! GOD!! What if…….”
I couldn’t even finish my sentence and He so gently interrupts…
“Yes! What if?! What if you don’t finish this? What if they don’t realize this paper is yours? What if this was all just suddenly gone? Would you still trust Me? You told me you would give Me everything. What about this? If you don’t graduate, would you still trust Me?”
And I laughed again. Because I realized that I had been so wrapped up in my own head that I didn’t even realize I had gotten to this place.
I realized in that moment that all the things that I had fought to keep from defining my life were doing just that. I know that my identity is in the One that gave His life for me when He didn’t have to. He chose to enter into our realm of time, give up perfection just to capture my heart with His love and pure sacrifice. I know that I am His, but I have learned that it is in the times when we think we have it all together that we should be guarding our hearts and minds the most. We can get so wrapped up in the things that we THINK make us enough or worthy of others love that we don’t realize that approval is not needed because we already have our Fathers heart. We can get so caught up in the craziness of life that we forget to pay attention to what we let define us.
I realized that night that this degree I have been pursuing has become the basis of what I believe I am worth. It is why I have fought so hard for As. It is why I have spent countless hours, days, and nights without community, fellowship, sleep, and food at times. I set the bar and I let this degree tell me what I am worth rather than letting my Creator tell me what I am worth.
I say all of that to say this… Do not let anyone or anything except for the pure and radical love of Jesus define you!! He bought you with a price, the price of His life so that you could have it abundantly.
If you are going to waste your life, waste it on Him!
love!
k
