This month has been a whirlwind.
It seems like we just left the States, and yet we are about to leave Haiti to head to the Dominican Republic. It has been an interesting month filled with a lot of questions and a lot of figuring out life on the Race, which can be kind of tricky when you are a married couple learning to live with a bunch of people for the first time, especially as we are sleeping in separate rooms this month. It has been a slow month, as we have had a lot of time off from ministry. It has been a month of wondering if I am taking on the task set before me well enough.
Toward the middle of our time here, I began to feel overwhelmed – overwhelmed by my high expectations of my performance in every aspect of the Race. I wanted to be all there for ministry and as effective as possible, and it felt like we weren’t spending enough time pouring into the people here. I wanted to be a solid team member who was spending time with each person and serving each person well, and I felt as if I wasn’t doing this as well as I wanted to. And I wanted to have a solid marriage and find as much time as possible to just hang out with Kaydan, and it seemed that we couldn’t find much space to be alone.
I felt like I was in a haze – I didn’t realize why I was feeling so overwhelmed until I had a breakdown and Kaydan helped me to talk through what was causing this confusion inside of me. And on the day after I thought and prayed through all of this, I was encouraged by several people. I was reminded of the amazing ways God was using us in the community of Perisse and with the Haitian children who hang out with us during our down time each day. It was encouraging that Kaydan and I were doing a good job of connecting with our team, despite the fact that we were married and had the temptation to be less connected to them. And I was told by a team member that he was so glad to have a married couple on his team, and that it was refreshing to see how joyful we were together deep down, even if we weren’t happy every minute of every day.
At a time when I was struggling with my feelings of inadequacy and wanting to be perfect, I was reminded that God is doing a work in each area that I was feeling like I was doing a poor job in. And He placed my community around me to speak into my struggles even though they didn’t know I was struggling. And from that day on, I have seen God more clearly in the work we are doing, even if the work we are doing takes fewer hours in the day than I would’ve expected. I have seen God at work in our team. And I have seen God at work in my marriage, even if we have had to work through some things the hard way to come to a more loving, selfless marriage.
And on that same day, as I was being poured into by my squadmates, God spoke to me in my reading. In a devotional I was reading that day, I read Isaiah 49:15-16, which says,
“Can a woman forget her nursing child, that she should have no compassion on the son of her womb? Even these may forget, yet I will not forget you. Behold, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands.”
And about 10 minutes later, I read in a Christian fiction book these words, “Don’t the Holy Scriptures say ‘Though a mother might forsake her children, God will not not forsake us?’ Yes, we love our children and God loves us even more than that. Find your comfort there.” I was blown away by the quick repetition of this reminder of God’s love from two very different books.
God didn’t just give me a “lightbulb moment”, but He gave me a whole “lightbulb” day. He found me in my confusion, and used my community to remind me of the reality of how God was using me in each aspect of the race that I believed myself to be failing at. And He used two completely different books with a common passage of scripture to remind me that God loves me deeply, regardless of my performance. And while I know striving for excellence is a positive and Godly thing, I need to balance it with a better understanding of God’s grace and love for me. If I let my thoughts of my own inadequacy seep into my daily thoughts and actions, I am not living a life fully dependent on God’s love and grace. And I am missing out on the fullness of love and grace that God has for me.
It is okay that I am not going to be perfect at everything. It is okay that I am weak sometimes. For His power is made perfect in my weakness.
“But He said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”
2 Corinthians 12:9-10
