I always feel like the blogs I post are always about how I’m having a rough time, and how I’m going through a struggle or a bad season. LOL The last blog I posted was about how I was feeling broken. Its hard not to feel broken for the drunk man on the side of the road. Broken for the Widow or the child without shoes. Broken for the scrawny animals digging through the trash and drinking the dirty water running down the side of the road. Broken for the family who hardly has a place to call home. When I first arrived it was hard for me to not only find joy in the things around me, but to also find joy inside of me.
I personally think that I get caught up in the brokenness and self pity, that it blinds me from fully seeing the joy and light right in front of me. Don’t get me wrong, I find joy in many things, but I also see a lot of brokenness, recently in myself. I have never fully been healed from the brokenness of my past. My whole life I have had so many insecurities, so much judgment and doubt about myself. For as long as I can remember I have never fully been happy with or enjoyed myself. I thought I didn’t care what others thought, when actually most every little thing I have ever done has been done for the approval of others.
Being in Guatemala, deep down I have been scared of what my squad thinks of me. I hold myself back from talking so that I don’t say something that will make people judge me. I have had a hard time opening up because I tell myself that they don’t really care.
Last Tuesday me and my team were sitting in a circle doing prophesy and listening prayer over the person in the “hot seat”. I wasn’t expecting God to say much to me when it was my turn. But when my turn came, my team started to bring to mind all of my insecurities and dislikes about myself. They were saying things that I have felt about myself that I have hardly told anyone before. They brought to the surface all of my insecurities, doubts, and fears that I have had my whole life. I got reminded of the ways I have truly seen myself. They brought to life the things I tried to burry deep inside of me, hoping to never have to deal with it again.
The next few days I spent in thought about everything, wondering how I can officially get through my insecurities and self doubts. Sunday came around and after we prayed for healing for a guy on my squad, Someone said they felt like someone else needed healing. I didn’t say anything, but the next thing I knew everyone was looking at me. They said they felt led to pray for me. So they did, and once again things about me got brought up that most people don’t even know about. (Sidenote, but I am so blessed to have a team and squad that cares so much about me. Every day they speak life and truth into me. I love them so much!!)
After they prayed over me and left for dinner, I sat in silence pondering the things God has brought to the surface this past week. I started praying for a way to get rid of all the lies I’ve told myself, to get rid of all of the insecurities I have about myself, and how to fully be happy with the person God has created me to be.
The only one who can fully heal me is God, and I truly believe that He is in the process of healing me. He is pulling out the roots from the past one by one and tossing them away. If you could join me in praying that through God, I can finally put all of this behind me so that I can give my full attention to the things God is doing on this trip. Pray that I can burn away all the lies, shame, guilt, and fear that the enemy has put in my head. And That I grow to love myself the way God loves me.
Right now God is pulling, tugging and tearing up the roots of my past and my insecurities, that I barried so very deeply. I hope to soon be posting another blog of the other side of this healing process. More is to come… 🙂
