Training camp… Where to begin?
There aren’t really words to describe it.. It was very challenging but I enjoyed every minute of it. It was draining both emotionally and physically but God gave me the strength and energy to get through it. At moments I never thought it would end, but when the time came to actually go home all I wanted was to do it all over again. It was the best but hardest thing that I have ever done. Let me explain.
Most every morning we woke up between 6-7am (4-5am my time), packed our bags completely, and did a morning work out. By 8am I was already exhausted. Every day was full of walking up hills, different field scenarios (Situations that could happen on the trip), and doing physical and mental team building activities, all while standing in the hot/humid heat.
The past 10 days were so physically challenging and they pushed me out of my comfort zone completely. BUT I couldn’t have been more thankful for this stretch. I saw how necessary physical discipline is when on the Race. Not only does working out help you get in better shape, but a good chunk of my alone time came from the morning workout. This was a great time for me to talk to God. This time is going to be essential while on the Race. This isn’t a habit I’m going to apply when I leave the country but this starts TODAY. Im determined to get that morning workout.
From day one of Training camp, I didn’t want to be there. I was an emotional wreck. Attacks from the enemy hit me the moment I stepped onto the airplane. I was worried about what other people thought of me. Being completely honest I have never been secure about myself. My weight has always held me back from doing things I love and enjoy. Ask me what my hobby is or what I do in my spare time and I can’t tell you an answer. Why? Because I have been so self-conscious about myself and how I look that I don’t do ANYTHING. I’ve always done the least amount I can so that I don’t get attention. In doing this trip I made the decision that I will no longer let my appearance hold me back from the dreams and passions God has placed on my life. Over all, Training Camp wasn’t easy and I was very uncomfortable.
Real quick let me tell you my experience with the dreaded 2 mile hike. For those of you that have talked to me over the past few months, you know I wasnt excited about this. No, it wasn’t really a hike but more of a walk down a paved road. But honestly that didn’t make it any easier on me. I have been walking to prepare for this physical test but I wish I would have taken it more seriously. Picture this: July 27th (my 20th birthday!!!) 10:19am. It was already really hot and humid. I’m standing at the start line, with 5 others, ready to take on the challenge. READY! SET! GO!.. 10 minutes into the walk and I’m falling a little behind.. 24 minutes and I’m at the 1 mile marker and my asthma is starting to kick in. I knew I had to pick up the pace or else I wouldn’t make it in the time limit of 40 minutes. (You might be thinking this is easy, but on top of being over weight, I had an uncomfortable 40lb bag on my back. it sucked.) I knew that the only way I would make it in time was by picking up the pace, dramatically. I had to run it; so I did. I ran and pushed my body more then I have before. I finished in 38.5 minutes!! Praise Jesus! By the end of the walk not only could I not breath due to my asthma, but I was sunburned, over heated, and probably a little dehydrated. It was MISERABLE! I was so embarrassed. No body else on my Squad struggled as much as I did. I felt weak and vulnerable. I didn’t want to be seen that way. I thought to myself “how was it that everyone else did the walk without a second thought or even a raise in their heart rate?! What is wrong with me?”. Right away, honestly from day one, I was judgmental and compared myself to them. I looked at the people on my Squad and thought – “these people are so fit, in-shape, and skinny. I never will be like them. They all have such amazing talents. They have such natural beauty. They have amazing and strong relationships with God.” Etc… I judged them for everything!! Not in a terrible way, but I wanted what they had. I was so unhappy with myself. I shut myself off from everyone because I had so much shame about it. Because I shut myself out, the first few days of training were pretty lonely. But that was my own personal doing…
– Side note: to add onto my insecurities, the whole 10 days I went without makeup. I go without makeup often but i would be lying if I told you I was comfortable without makeup. On top of feeling insecure about my appearance without makeup, on the second day, after the physical test, I got a heat rash all over my face. It made my skin bumpy and red, it itched, burned and made my skin feel very tight and uncomfortable. Although it wasn’t too noticeable it added onto my uneasiness. I felt so ugly and really I just wanted to hide in my tent for the whole week. The heat rash lasted 8 days and cleared up the morning I was leaving to come home. (Coincidence? I don’t think so..)
One night during worship I started to feel the weight of my insecurities and struggle. I got on my knees and begged God for me to find self confidence, and my worth in Him. Right away I had people praying over me and telling me how loved and special I was. The next day we were praying in pairs of two and someone told me that in me they see Gods love, beauty, peace, and compassion. The next person told me that in Gods eyes I am gorgeous, loved, unique and His special treasure. More people just kept telling me different words of encouragement throughout the week. God spoke through my Squad to open my eyes to how He see’s me.
One of the lessons was talking about forgiveness and at first I thought it didn’t apply to me. “I had nobody I needed to forgive and I didn’t need to apologize to anybody”. THEN it was clear! I needed to forgive myself and apologize to God. I had been judging myself my whole entire life and it has taken a tug on how I act and view myself. When I judge myself on my looks and personality it is offensive to God. I was created in Gods very own image (Genesis 1:26). He made me with His own two hands (Ephesians 2:10). I am a child of God ( John 1:12) and it’s time I start acting like it!! By judging myself I judged God and His majestic and amazing creation. I should never put to shame something that He has created. To God, I am stunning, beautiful, a treasure and perfect in His sight.
As I’m coming home from Training Camp I feel a huge weight lifted off of my shoulders. I feel free to be myself! Yes, I will still struggle. I will have moments of doubt and of feeling insecure, but that is when I pray that God shows me my identity in HIM and reminds me how much I mean to Him and His plans! His opinion is the only one that matters.
If this is something you struggle with first off; pray! Ask God to reveal his love and affection to you. That he will remind you how amazing you are. Remember, you are a creation of God! You are special, unique and treasured. YOU ARE LOVED!!! There is NO ONE like you and God has amazing things in store for YOU! Don’t lose sight in who you are in Him!
To future world racers: don’t be scared of Training Camp or the World Race. Don’t let your fears hold you back from the things God is calling you into. If you’re waiting until you’re ready then you’ll never go. Trust God with your future. Trust me, it’s worth it. At training camp God is going to break you, but then he will make you new and whole again. I’ll be honest, it was harder then I expected, but I would do it all over again if I could. Go. Be adventurous. Be bold. Be lead by the Holy Spirit, and be you; because YOU ARE AMAZING!
What was my favorite part about Training Camp? That I am no longer held back by lies, fears, or insecurities.
I AM FREE!!
PS. Never have I appreciated a warm faucet shower, a running sink, a toilet, drinking ice cold water, a mirror, a salad, lotion, eating utensils, AC, my bed, or electricity more in my entire life. It really is the little things..
