Last night as I was lying down to go to bed I could feel the anxiety and anticipation building. I leave in three days and one thing I have yet to do is to write a blog post about training camp. I know why, I’ve always known why. As much as I have tried to fight it I have finally accepted that God stripped me down to the most raw, real version of myself at Training Camp and I haven’t wanted to share that intimate experience with anyone.
I get that it could impact others. I get that my friends and family are curious. I get that what I experienced could give others clarity on events that they go through. I get that by sharing what I went through at training camp I could lead someone to God or closer to God. I’m simply don’t think I’m ready to share it quite yet.
I feel like I was given a taste of what the next year is going to be like and if I were to share my story now I would only be giving others a glimpse of the picture and that if viewed now that glimpse may distort the way people look at my journey. Many of my squad mates have eloquently put into words the way God moved through them at training camp. Call it my short fall – but I just don’t know how to do that yet. I am an excellent external processor but when it comes to putting pen to paper I am down right awful. I have been praying over this daily since I got home from Training Camp so it’s time to come clean.
In 3 days I leave to head to Atlanta, Georgia for launch and then Mozambique for Month 1 of the World Race. We are required to blog weekly – this scares me to death. In all honesty it is hard enough for me to be vulnerable with the people closest to me. The thought of sharing my deepest thoughts, revelations and spirit lead moments with the World Wide Web is extremely intimidating and slightly terrifying. I know this year is going to push me and mold me. I pray that God gives me the words to reach people through this blog and share my story for His glory.
This trip, the past 6 months, all of the shots, planning, prayers, purchases, sleepless nights and busy days – non of it is about me. It’s all about Him, our Father and bringing Him glory. So today I am doing something I do not typically do. I am showing myself grace. Grace in knowing that it is okay that I cannot find the words to bring Him the glory He deserves in this moment of my walk. I am holding onto faith. Faith in knowing that God continues to work in me and through me daily and that through me His will be done!
So bare with me folks – it’s going to be a great 11 months!
Transparency isn’t normally my thing. I love being the put together friend. The one that has the ability to carry the burdens of others without stopping to think twice. You see, if you’re busy carrying the burdens of others you don’t have time to stop and process things about yourself. When you do have time to stop and process you come to realize that life and your spiritual walk aren’t always going to be wrapped up in a neat little box with a perfectly placed bow on top. It’s actually rather messy with ugly cries and painful realizations. In the end though we come out the other side the man or woman God made use to be, wants us to be and calls us to be.
Guess what, spoiler alert, I’m not there yet! I don’t consider myself a quitter either and that includes quitting on myself and the woman God has called me to be.
Buckle up – this is going to be fun!!
Love y’all!
-K
