“No part of me wants to become a hermit, but like I said earlier, I honestly get how somebody could live in the woods like that, completely alone, completely free from the risk of other people. It made me wonder if the months I’d spent alone in a cabin, writing, were so peace-filled because, at least for a month, I’d escaped the constant stress of worrying about what other people thought of me.”
-Donald Miller, Scary Close.
Every morning of each day spent here in our tiny village on the outskirts of San Pedro Sula, Honduras, I fight sleep and convince myself that if I don’t get up early, I won’t have one promised moment alone for the rest of that day.
You see when youre in a place labeled “murder capital,” independence doesn’t exactly exist. Actually it doesn’t exist at all.
Our team rises and for the rest of the day we are escorted to and from our ministry. Want to go up the road to the dirt soccer field? Escort. Want to walk to the church sight? Escort. At the mall and need to make a quick atm or even a coffee run? You guessed it, escort.
Every moment of every day, we are never alone.
Day 1: Oh, you’re walking with us to the neighbors house? Aight, that’s cool. I’m glad our ministry host is so involved!
Day 5: We need supplies. Oh we can’t walk through the grocery store without you? Ok, it’s probably a little sketchy all of these missionaries strolling up in the grocery store randomly. I get it.
Day 9: I understand. It’s dangerous, but must you walk absolutely everywhere with us? I just want it to look like I’m alone. Maybe walk further behind me so I can imagine I’m alone.
Day 14: I went to bed last night and wondered what would happen if I woke up at like 5 am the next morning and went on a run. . . I don’t even enjoy running. I bet I would enjoy it if I was alone. . No one has to know. I’ll be back early before anyone is awake.
Day 16: I just need to be able to pee without an escort.
For those who knew me before the race, the word independent, I guess, would be a pretty accurate description. I enjoy alone time. I enjoy movies by myself. Hours spent in coffee shops with no chance of anyone finding me because I haven’t told them where I’m going. Days spent wandering in a random part of town or park just because I could. Road trips just for the heck of it. Alone.
Yeah no that’s not a thing here.
I knew I was independent and honestly I have NEVER seen that as a bad thing. Why should I? There’s something to be said about someone being able to make it on their own.
However, my independence has honestly been a huge source of pride. I don’t need others to have a good time. . you do? That sucks that you depend so heavily on others. I work two jobs to pay for everything. . Your parents cover it all? That’s probably not going to teach you anything. . . I went and did this by myself today. . You’ve never done anything like that alone? That’s a little pathetic. .
PRIDE.
You know what’s taken a hit this month? PRIDE.
I literally can’t go anywhere alone. Anywhere. At all times, I’m with at least, one other person.
You know what makes a special appearance when you are constantly in community and independence like mine isn’t really an option? Transparency.
For just as each of us has one body with many members, and these members do not all have the same function, so in Christ we, though many, form one body, and each member belongs to all the others.
– Romans 12:4-5
I will always value my alone time. It’s when I most feel connected to God. It’s when I can step back and process. It’s when I am able to focus my thoughts. But I’ve been using it as an escape from community for far too long.
When faced with the option of being by myself to “unwind” or sit down an have an actual spirit led conversation with my brothers and sisters in Christ, 95% of the time my choice was isolation. It became my excuse. I need to be alone to connect. I don’t need others opinions or input in my decisions. Clearly I haven’t done too bad on my own. . Man, has God shaken apart my view of what “living in community” actually means.
This month, it has meant transparency. It has meant vulnerability. It has meant laughter. It has meant tears. It has meant prayer. It has meant actually listening to what others have to say. It has meant making relationships that don’t require the same language. It has meant getting through difficult times when it would be easier to run. It has meant replacing any negatives with at least 4 positives. It has meant choosing to be around 6-10 full-of-life Hondurans at all times of the day, when I would much rather do my own thing. Why? Because choosing to sacrifice my 1 hour of isolation for community living is what God intended for me this month.
I challenge those independents like myself. Keep your independence, it’s a beautiful gift that not everyone has the strength to handle. But don’t choose it over community. Invest in relationships. Invite others into what you’re going through. Ask for input. I haven’t mastered it by any means, but Im working on it.
Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil. For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up! Again, if two lie together, they keep warm, but how can one keep warm alone? And though a man might prevail against one who is alone, two will withstand him—a threefold cord is not quickly broken.
-Ecclesiastes 4:9-12
SIDE NOTE: I am only like $1300 away from being FULLY FUNDED!! If you would prayerfully consider donating to help me reach this goal, feel free to scroll on up to the Support ME tab on the left side of the screen! Thanks to all who are following me in this crazy journey!
