So I have never been one to like to talk about my feelings or open up to anyone, so this is extremely hard for me to write about and I don’t think I wouldve been able to build up the courage without the support of my lovely squad. So s/o to them!!
For the majority of my childhood, church was a routine. Praised God on Sunday, lived my life the rest of the week. I never really embraced my faith, yes I believed but I never pursued a relationship with God.
The summer before my freshman year of high school I had the opportunity to go on a week long mission trip with my mom and some people from church, to the Dominican Republic. That’s when I first discovered my passion for missions. Being there, serving God I felt I had purpose. I honestly never wanted to leave. But the time came, I went home in hopes to continue on with that joy that I had in my heart. But that is not how it went at all, I took a turn down the wrong path. I didn’t know it at the time but I unintentionally started to dig my self into a hole.
I didnt have purpose, I didn’t have that unending joy inside me, but I also didn’t have a relationship with the Lord. I started to feel so empty and so lonely, i started to experiment with a variety of different things. Just attempting to fill the hole, but I wasn’t filling the hole at all. I was just masking the emptiness inside of me, and digging the hole deeper and deeper. I then started to just crave an adrenaline rush, I’d crave to do anything that would make my parents cringe. Rebellion. I found new friends and new hobbies, which probably weren’t the right choice for me. I got into a relationship with this guy I was absolutely head over heals for and I had no idea it would turn out so bad. The once wonderful relationship turned into an abusive and controlling relationship. Once again the joy I had turned into emptiness and this time it felt one hundred times worse. I turned to drugs. Everyday it was just looking for a new high to balance out the lows. Constantly trying to fill the hole with the relationships and substances, I was attempting to get away from the emptiness and fear of being all alone. At that point I had an addiction, not neccasarily an addiction to the substances, but an addiction to escaping reality and an addiction to distracting myself from how I felt.
I kept thinking all the distractions would make me feel better, but they didn’t. I just kept getting worse and worse. One day this past year, I don’t even know what happened but something hit me. I just cut off all communications with the people I was surrounding my self with. And I prayed. I prayed for the first time in such a long time, and broke down in tears. I fullheartedly believe God saved me. I was drowning and he rescued me.
After that night I began strengthining my relationship with the Lord. And finding friendships in the godly friends I had neglected during my season of struggles.
Fast foward a couple months, I was really starting to stress about what I was supposed to be doing with my life, I would change my major every day and I was struggling with trying to figure out what God’s plan for me was. I was deep in prayer one night asking what His plan for me was. Laying in bed I started to scroll through my Instagram (casually stalking people) and I came across an old coworker of mines Instagram page. She was on The World Race Gap Year. I started to burst out in tears I felt like God had answered me in that moment. I wanted to spend the year after I graduated high school traveling, but I never really new how to put that plan to action. And with my past found passion for missions I felt it was the perfect opportunity for me. I started researching everything and didn’t mention to anyone how I planned on applying until I started my application several prayers and a couple weeks later. And after so many doubts of if this was really what I was being called to do, I got accepted! And I truly feel like this is a new beginning and ultimately the beginning of my journey to being a disciple for the one true king.
