And lean not on your own understanding, in all your ways submit to him, for he will make your paths straight.
I am a control freak. I am so type-A when it comes to planning and organizing and preparing for things, and especially so when it comes to travel. My best friend’s mom knows me better than most and when talking with her about how I was preparing, she knew that I already have it all figured out for travel arrangements, and gear, that I have watched over 50 packing and prep videos and that I will be packed and ready for training camp a whole two weeks early, because that is just the way I am.
But here is the hard but really amazing thing. A lot of this journey is not in my control. I don’t get to know everything. And that terrifies me. God is really testing me in this way and I know that is one of the areas I am going to grow in most this next year.
The hardest part for me is fundraising. I feel like I am putting everything out there, coming up with creative ways to raise money, sharing almost daily about progress, checking in on the letters I sent out, and yet not much is coming in. I worry that it wont come in on time and that I will have done all of this for nothing. I have very little control over this and that scares me.
I keep saying, “I’m trusting the Lord will provide and take care of me”, and sometimes I believe that, but then that doubt and worry comes creeping back in and takes over and all I am is discouraged. God IS working and IS providing and this is a growing and humbling time for me. This last week and a half has brought in almost $2000 in donations, but I still just see the other $1200 I need to raise to meet my first deadline looming in the shadows.
“I have a big goal, but a bigger God.”
That is what I keep telling myself. It is becoming my mantra lately. He is bigger than any deadline or goal I am facing. He is bigger than the worries and stresses. He is bigger than the vaccines and the gear. He is bigger than all of that and he wants to do good things for those who love him.
He can do immeasurably more than I can ask or imagine. He promises us that he will provide all that we need, and all that we need is Jesus. Everything else is just a bonus.
I had the opportunity to talk with one of my mentors recently. He called me to talk about the race and asked me to honestly share with him where I am at. I almost broke down in tears because of the stress. He reassured me in a way only he could, that if everything I did when it comes to planning and preparing came easily, then I would be in for one rude awakening when I got to the field. God uses this time to sharpen us and prepare us for the reality that the mission field is, and I know that this year is not going to be a walk in the park by any means, so I am grateful for the trials.
Keep me in your thoughts and prayers dear friends as this time is rough for me, but I know that there is a reason and purpose for it all and that our God is a good, good father.
