Ever since I was little I remember wanting to be a missionary. Then life caught up with me and this dream of mine no longer became something that could be a reality. Life got in the way.
But doesn’t life somehow always get in the way?
I am now twenty-one years old and life is still getting in the way. It always has. In high school it was sports, then homework, then friends, more homework, and then a boyfriend. In the city of Grand Rapids where I attended Calvin College, life just so happened to get in the way once again. Classes, then homework, then friends, then food, then friends and then more homework until the library kicked us out.
After a year and a half at Calvin, I moved back in with my parents and two younger sisters in my hometown of Highlands Ranch, Colorado where at this point I had no money, no job, no car and essentially no life.
But this is where it gets interesting because I had no life. Nothing was there to get in my way, nothing there to keep my mind preoccupied, nothing to use as an excuse.
It’s a strange thing to be stripped of all distraction, all busyness, and all so-called life because all you’re left with is yourself and for me… that was a scary place to be.
Before starting college I had come out of a relationship that caused me to feel a lot of shame about who I was, especially before Christ. It was scary to face myself and deal with that. Lies started to flood my mind and haunt me throughout my day. I started to become so used to hearing them that soon these lies became my reality.
I would never be good enough. I was dirty, unwanted and far past forgiveness. Nothing good could come out of someone so full of sin and shame, so why was I even here?
Because God was not finished yet.
At the time I thought there was no light to be found at the end of my tunnel. However, when I was at my lowest point God knelt down and lifted my head, showing me that there was a light I just couldn’t see it. I had been too busy paying attention to all the lies the devil was feeding to me that I began to slink back in shame, like a dog with its tail between its legs, afraid to look my owner in the eye. My shame had caused me to lower my gaze, to drop my head, to fear my Maker. It was when I was in that place that God spoke to me through Psalm 3:3, ”But you, Oh Lord, are a shield about me, my glory and the lifter of my head.”
That day I created a journal entry reflecting this verse but it wasn’t until a few weeks later that God wrecked me with his love and the verse truly began to change my heart.
I am blessed to have grown up in a Christian home with two loving parents, one older brother and two younger sisters. The year I was dealing with all this pain, my cousin decided to have a ladies Christmas brunch. We shared passages of scripture after eating and it was obvious that the Holy Spirit was moving as the tears began to flow. My aunt then shared a verse that struck my heart. Isaiah 62:4, ”For you shall no longer be termed Forsaken, and your land shall no more be termed Desolate, But you shall be called My Delight Is in Her, and your land married; for the Lord delights in you.”
The Lord delights in me. The Lord is the lifter of my cowering head and He delights in what he sees.
This is the truth and this is what I have learned to believe in the past few years of my life. God is not done with me. I am called to something greater than myself and that is to serve others. Though I can serve wherever I am at, my heart is to serve those who have been broken, who have lost hope, and those who need to know that we serve a God who lifts us out of our shame and brings us to the light. I believe God will use my message to further his kingdom and I pray it will bring light to those who are stuck in shame, in darkness, in tunnels where the light seems too far to reach. I will bring the message of hope and forgiveness in Jesus Christ across seas, across land and on a world race… Now who’s with me?
