I’m so sick of it.
The world gives you all the words you want to hear.
I’m so sick of it. I’m so sick of it all.
I just wanted someone to hold me while I cried. God has been putting some heavy things on my heart. It’s exhausting. But being a Christian isn’t easy. People may tell you that Jesus died to take away all your sins and that you just have to give your heart to Him. Once you do this, then you will find freedom.
Yes, these things are true. But did anyone tell you that breaking the chains, walking out of the bondage, finding true freedom in Jesus hurts and that it’s hard?
Because it is.
In finding my own freedom God has asked me to walk through some intensely painful memories… and it sucks.
I’ve been crying all the time. Crying because He is showing me how sweet He is to me, crying because in some memories I can’t seem to find where He was, crying because He was, He is and He will always be my true love, something I can’t always understand.
Today He put a thought in my mind. He told me to write it down. To think back through the painful memory of my youth and find Him there. Where was He? I didn’t know. I didn’t want to think about it. I didn’t want to write it down.
I’ve been crying all the time and I’m sick of it.
I just wanted to cry to my dad, to cry to my grandpa, to cry to someone other than Jesus. Because it’s hard. It’s hard when the man you are supposed to find your identity in, the man that loves you more than any, He is the one that seems the furthest away even though He has been next to me the whole time.
I ignored what He asked me to do but ended up even more frustrated than before. Why? Well because like the genius that I am, I decided that if I didn’t want to deal with the real tears I might as well let myself cry fake ones to a good ol’ romance film.
Wrong choice.
Movies, tv shows, music, social media it’s all such shit.
There I was watching this film (called About Time) with an already hurting heart and boy, oh boy did I get pissed off real quick.
This guy in the movie can time travel and blah blah blah… His sister gets her heart broken by some jerk who treats her wrong. Then to help her out he takes her back in time and she gets to punch the jerk in the face. Gosh, where was time travel when my heart broke?
Obviously I’m not mad at the world for making a movie about time travel because I am fully aware this is not something I can attain. However, why is it that even the losers win in the movies, even the losers win in the music we listen to, even the losers look cool on social media.
I lost, okay? My heart was broken and it was hurt but guess what? I didn’t get to punch anybody in the face.
In the movies people who get their hearts broken somehow find some way to take back what was lost.
In the movies when couples fight it’s sexy and dramatic… dishes are broken, not people. In the movies having one night stands is fun and flirty.
In the movies getting drunk is a normalcy, going to parties, living it up, dancing the night away, laughing with your friends and meeting some guy who turns out to be your perfect match. Going home with him, having awesome sex, waking up and he makes her breakfast and they laugh all cutesy.
In the movies everyone wins.
In the movies, our worst nights are their best nights.
Think about that.
Maybe read it one more time…
In the movies, our worst nights are their best nights.
They have a one night stand and it’s sexy, cute, steamy, flirty… all the things. I sleep over at a guy’s house and go a little further than I should have and wake up realizing I hardly know the guy, he talked about himself the whole night, and now he’s leaving me in his house at 5am to pick up his sister.
Winning? I think not.
They go to parties , they dance, they drink too much, they hook up and it all looks so appealing. I go to a party get a little tipsy, thinking I’m being cool, my boyfriend takes me into the basement and this is where the movies try to tell you everything will be perfect. Well one thing’s for sure my life is not a movie.
That night runs through my mind, especially the past few months. What the world tells you will be romantic and sexy turned out to me feeling dirty, disgusting and confused. And to make the ending even better, there were a handful of guys that were watching me through the window, making me feel embarrassed and exposed to the cruel, cruel world.
But it’s all just fun and games, isn’t it? We’re all just trying to have a party in the U.S.A.
Winning? If you call being haunted by a memory for the past seven years of your life winning… then ya, I’m winning.
Country songs talk about hook ups in the back of cars all the time. Driving off, parking the car on the side of the road, take off her dress, blah blah blah, beer, trucks and pretty girls. So what did I do? I hooked up in the back of his car listening to lyrics from Nicki Minaj talking about who knows what kind of nasty things. Leaving me feeling dirty, ugly, ashamed.
All the influences flood my mind.
I’m sick of it.
I’m sick of all the crap they’re feeding us. I’m not buying it. You believe it all you want but I’m fed up.
I’m 22 years old and I’m fed up, I’m sick of social media trying to tell me what kind of woman to be. I’m tired of sex being presented as some hot, steamy, one night stand, bang whoever you meet at the bar. I’m tired of love being presented as young people moving in with each other before getting married and living in high-class apartments downtown.
I’m.
So.
Sick of it.
And it’s not just with women, no it’s with men too. Society puts these unrealistic expectations on us. We hold ourselves to them, we hold each other to them and we’re left disappointed and confused.
I’m sick of society taking the things God created for good and twisting them.
Society has let me down. I followed what it said was cool, I did what it told me would bring me love and I find myself trying to heal from the damage every day.
What’s a 15-year-old girl supposed to do with all of this… I was so young, I was so naive, I was so innocent, I was so full of joy. How dare you try to take that away from me. How dare you.
Are you really satisfied with shoving these lies down the throats of young and innocent generations? Are you really proud of what you have created? Are you happy that you are producing movies, writing songs and preying on the minds of today’s youth?
How could you be so cruel. How.
You disgust me.
I’m sick of it.
I’m just so incredibly sick of it.
So here’s to taking a stand and verbally punching you in the face.
