As some of you may know, I have been on a journey for some time now of trying to accept and re-learn the Father’s love for me… and man is it hard.
Also forgive me if I bounce around in topics, there has been a lot going on in my mind… but to all of you reading I so appreciate who you are and what you mean to me. Whether you are someone who has supported me in prayer or financially, whether you are a friend or a family member, whether you are a stranger or someone dear to my heart, I really, really do appreciate the time you take to listen to me.
It’s funny how God works through all of you because despite the hardships, I find great peace when I consider all of you, wherever you are, praying or thinking about me. Honestly, what a privilege it is to have you in my life and how special it is that so many of you are behind me on this journey. Thank you.
Okay… so back to what is going on inside my head.
Currently I am in a season of life where nothing really bad is happening to me. I am my own person, I am on this amazing journey, and I am a daughter of the King… What could be better?
The only issue is I don’t know how.
I don’t know how to believe that I am a daughter of the King and that his love for me is unconditional. His love is gentle and His love is kind, so why can I not accept it?
How come for the first time in my life I can say that I am doing exactly what I want to be doing, that I am made for what I am doing, yet I cannot accept the love my Papa has for me.
I have tried everything and nothing.
At first this month I realized I was doing everything I could to not just believe the Father’s love in my head but also to experience the love my Papa has for me in my heart. I felt guilty, reading my bible and praying out of obligation but I did it because I wanted so badly to receive His love. I wanted so badly to understand why it seems just out of reach.
With this mindset, I was living through the law. I was reaching for something that was already in my hands, I just didn’t see it.
My Father did not send His only son to die for me just so I could live in guilt and shame that what I was doing was not enough to receive His love. No, He sent his son so that the law could be lifted, so that the curtain could be torn in two, so that I could be enough just as I am. All I have to do is stand before him and let his love wash over me, let him pour His love out on me like oil.
So then I began to do nothing.
You may think that is crazy… after what I just said, after what I just recognized, after God giving such a gift and all I do is nothing.
But I recognized that there is nothing I can do to receive His love if He has already given it. I am already enough for him just as I am. There is nothing, literally nothing I could do to make Him love me any more or any less.
So I stopped trying to prove to myself that I was worth His love. I figured if I was doing everything I could to believe that He loved me, I should instead just sit in His love, soak it in.
And so, starting February 14, I didn’t wake up to read my bible or pray or sing kumbaya or some other religious thing. Instead I woke up, opened my beautiful, intricately-detailed leather journal (shout out to Mom and Dad) and just laid in bed. I wouldn’t pray. I wouldn’t read. I just laid there and closed my eyes and waited.
My Father began to put words on my heart and I would write them down. I did this until February 25 and what came out of it was quite beautiful but I still didn’t and still don’t feel like I truly believe the Father loves me.
To be honest, I’m afraid and the devil… boy does he love fear.
I’m afraid that my heavenly Father, my Papa, my Abba… I’m afraid that He will get tired of pursuing me. Because there is nothing I can do to earn His love and if I am doing nothing for Him what will He want with me?
In my past I have put myself through a few unhealthy relationships with men, seeking love and affirmation where I fail to accept the Father’s love for me.
These relationships caused me to believe that if I wanted love from men, I needed to give something of myself… also giving me reason to believe that if I have nothing to offer the Father, He won’t want me.
But I’m a Christian, I know that God loves me and I know that these things aren’t true… but what if I never improve, what if I never change… what if I have nothing to give?
I’m afraid that God will lose interest, that he will get tired of pursuing me.
But what I know and still don’t understand is that God is a gentleman. He is gentle with me, bless His heart. He is kind. He is patient. His love is gentle. His love is kind. His love is patient. He keeps no record of my wrongs.
A few days ago, as I sat and listened to what my Father had to say I heard (not audibly heard but they just sort of came to me) these words:
Rest in me
Take in my love
So gentle and kind
There is no love greater
For you to find
Rest in me
My daughter rest
Rest in my love alone
Listen quietly to your Father
For I’m calling you back home
Rest in me
Come and trust
There is a greater plan I have
I want you to fear no more
The heart of an earthly man
Rest in me
For I am good
Reach out and take my hand
Daughter I will guide you
Through this broken land
Rest in me
For I love you so
My daughter I am yours
I desire to give you good things
So embrace my chosen course
Rest in me
Sit and soak
Child look around
There was no greater price to pay
For you are my bejeweled crown
Rest in me
For I am proud
Daughter look how far you’ve come
Though even if you had done nothing
Still I would send my son
Rest in me
Trust my love
For daughter it is yours
Like a lion I will fight for you
Like a lion my love roars
Rest in me
My daughter rest
Rest in my love alone
Listen quietly to your Father
For I am calling you back home
What beautiful words to be given, what a Father that I have.
Yet though these words are beautiful, I have cried ugly tears of frustration and defeat, realizing that I can do nothing.
How do you attain or capture a feeling if you can’t feel it? What is there that I can do?
My season will come but as I read and reread the words God laid on my heart I have a hard time walking in them. I have a hard time truly believing them.
I thought it would only be appropriate to respond to the word’s my Father has for me with words of my own. So today I wrote my own poem in response and will leave it with you as my closing words.
Rest in you
Take in your love
So gentle and kind
For there is no greater love
For me to find
You say to come and trust
But Father I don’t know how
I’m laying my heart out
Yet still can’t hear a sound
So how am I to love you
How am I to care
All these voices in my head
Are you even there
Lord forgive me that I question
Forgive me that I doubt
Oh my God
I just don’t know how
Papa I want to choose joy
Father I want to be free
I want to get rid
Of what’s inside of me
The voices in my head
The things that I have done
How could I ever understand
The gift of your son
God I’m just a little girl
Broken and afraid
I want so badly to feel your love
I just don’t know what to change
Papa let me love again
Give me faith like a child
I want to run and laugh and dance
I want to see your smile
Father I am weak
But I don’t have to go alone
Please stay with me on this journey
Papa I just want to come back home
