The past week or so I have been really hung up on my confidence. I have been getting really anxious about losing it. I have spent the past 10 months re-wiring my brain, looking to the Lord for this confidence that I lost such a long time ago.
I was having a conversation with Zac (my teammate) about how I was nervous about going home because I was scared I was going to lose all this “new” confidence I had. And he looked at me and said, “Well Kat, your confidence shouldn’t be in you. It should be in God.” I straight up was missing that connection this entire time. My confidence should be coming from the confidence I have in God. And I’m not just talking about confidence in myself or about myself, but confidence in and about life.
The Lord kept at it too. Where is your confidence, kat? Have confidence in me.
I haven’t had it. There are so many things I have not surrendered to God because I still believe that he will not come through for me. If I surrender them, that means I no longer get to have control over these situations. But the thing is, I can’t do this alone. I can’t make these decisions on my own. I want to live a life where God is the one calling the shots, not me. But here I am, holding tight to the things I WANT in life and everyone thinks I’m so bold for leaving home and following his call on my life. It’s easy to pursue the call on my life when I want it too.
But what about the uncertainties? What about him choosing what direction of life I should go down. Me completely surrendering my future and being ok with not knowing what he has for me every step of the way.
I’m currently in this situation where I have a pretty decent life decision to make and he stirred up excitement in me. When I went to ask what this excitement was about, I decided to ask the Lord for confirmations because I needed to know this was from him and not me just running on feelings (that’s how I make decisions). But 95% of me was nervous to give him that control. If I ask for these confirmations, that means I can’t do whatever I want. If he gives them to me, that means I do it. If he doesn’t, that means I don’t.
It is entirely in his hands.
But I did it anyways. I asked for them because I want him to establish the way I go and I’m scared. It isn’t easy to give that control up for me.
I have faith though. God has never let me down. Sure, some things haven’t gone how I thought they would, but he has always helped me get to where I needed to be. AND it’s way better than what I had planned. I know the more I actively put my confidence in God, the easier it will be to continue down that path. God gave us free-will to let him into our lives and I want what he wants for me.
