I do notice that none of my teammates blog as much as me, but I got all these thoughts and I like putting them here rather than my journal. This way I can share them with all my peeps!!
Have you ever just taken the time to be by yourself. Like. Really by yourself? I did for the first time tonight. I just chilled, lit some candles, turned on some light music, and just stayed still. I forgot how much I need these moments. I am one to just go go go. I don’t like being by myself. I don’t like to sit and let my thoughts work themselves out, because that’s scary. My brain isn’t full of butterflies and giggles. It is quite intense in there.
I was just laying flat on my back and let it all go. It was like I unclogged a drain. My thoughts just came pouring out. Some good, some bad. Afterwards though, I felt lighter. I loved myself a little bit more.
Sometimes when I hold my thoughts in, I forget how toxic they are to me. My mom posted this video on Facebook about the Sea of Galilee and the Dead Sea. The Dead Sea doesn’t have any life. The Sea of Galilee is beautiful and full of life. It doesn’t make sense because they both get their water from the Jordan River. WELL, the Sea of Galilee has an outlet. The water comes and goes. In the Dead Sea, there is no outlet. Everything that comes in, stays in.
I forget that I need times to process life. Not keep everything so locked up all the time. For the most part, I feel like I kind of have my relationship with God at an all time high.. except for one thing. Self-acceptance has never been my thing. Sometimes, I get really pissed off at how God made me. I feel like I got all the left over genes. Both my sisters are beautiful and so cool and I have a slow metabolism and I’m as weird as they get. I ALWAYS feel like someone is judging me (also I don’t want you to feel pity for me or be like awww you’re beautiful Kat because this isn’t a plea for attention. I know others think I’m pretty or whatever. This is just what I think about myself). This is purely my brain going hay wire. After tonight, I felt calm. Like God was just telling me to be still. Process what’s real and what’s not real.
I liked myself more really. I didn’t feel this nagging in the back of my mind. It’s like the more still that I got, the more God really shut everything in my mind up.
I now notice how I need these moments at least once a week. Not to pray, not to ask God to do it. He wants me to stop, be still, and do it with him. Sometimes I feel like we ask and ask God to do things for us when he really just wants us to be willing to do it with his help. God isn’t some magical fairy who grants wishes. He’s a father. He wants us to ask questions and put in the work. He wants to be there with us. It’s more of a relationship and journey.
In conclusion.. take time to be still. God works in the quietest moments. He isn’t some loud booming voice. He is a gentle whisper in the silence.
