I have been planning and pursuing the World Race for 4 years now and there are a lot of really bitter-sweet feelings that I have about this chapter of my life coming to a close. It makes me nervous. What’s next? What direction to I want to go? Where is the Lord calling me? He made it very clear to me at the age of 18 that this is the direction I needed to head down, but where to go from here.
I have a pretty interesting relationship when it comes to the future. I either think about it too much or not enough. I enjoy thinking about it, yet there is still fear around every corner. For the past 9 months, I have partnered with the Lord to break this crazy, unhealthy cycle and I have fought my natural urge everyday to not plan everything out.
Yesterday was an off day so I spent it hanging out at our hosts apartment and called my family. I had a chat with my oldest sister, Allison. She’s like me in a lot of ways. We LOVE planning. We like having it all figured out, but most times it’s hard for me to hear her out. She is constantly thinking about how to help me. Give me options. Care.. essentially, but 9/10 times I can never hear her out. Most of the time it gives me high anxiety. I live a little bit differently than my family. I don’t have a degree and that sometimes puts a strain on my life and theirs. They want to see me succeed and I am terrified of failing (i’ll go into that in a sec.)
While I was on the phone with Al, she mentioned something about me possibly being a flight attendant. Ok. She’s not far off. I like people. I live travel. It’s a job I don’t need a degree for. It’s something I would be good at, but I just had all these fears start to rise up. I’m pretty open on how I’m feeling, so I told Al, “hey.. I just have a lot of fears about that.” So she told me to write these fears down.
I started to write out..
I am scared that I will fail the training. I am scared that I will be alone or that I won’t make friends. Etc.
Once I started writing them down, I noticed these are the same lies that the enemy has held over my head for years now, just in a different form.
That I am a failure. That I am alone.
As glad as I was to notice these were lies. I was pissed that these lies are still lingering around affecting my decisions. Affecting my life.
Whether that is the career that the Lord has for me or not. I will not base my decision off of these fears. Fear has controlled me for far too long. I struggled so much with fear last month especially. Fear of the future, of the unknown, of learning, of losing people, of feelings. It was so overwhelming that I didn’t even exist. I was a puddle of a person.
I am unqualified. That’s a fact. But the Lord will guide me. He will equip me. I don’t need to fear the unknown, because he knows it all already. I trust him. I trust him with my life. As long as I am pursuing what he wants me to do with my life.. I will end up where I need to go.
