oppression is not pretty. the world race is not 9 months of ‘mountain tops’. missionaries are not super human. we are just as messed up as everyone. i want this blog to be something that’s real. since being on the race, i have realized that i value authenticity. real and raw.
i remember sitting in a cushioned chair at a hotel in atlanta georiga, getting ready to leave the country for 9 months. looking back, im shocked at how seemingly unphased i was. probably because i didnt know what was coming. i had a very preconcieved and romanticized idea of what the race would look like. i knew it would be hard, but i didnt really KNOW. at one of our sessions a guy was speaking, i don’t remember his name or even what the his message was about. the one sentence i remember was, “oppression is not pretty”.
flash forward 5 months and i think i have finally grasped what that guy meant. people tend to romanticize the idea of going out and doing mission work. guilty!!!!!! for example, i used to think the idea of going to do mission work in some indigenous tribe in the middle of the amazon would be some sort of ~quirky adventure~. but now, the idea of trying to do mission work at some place like that is extremely daunting. not impossible, but extremely challenging. i would like to say that i had the courage to do it, but at this point i don’t know if i do. i pray that if i ever feel that call on my life i would laugh for awhile and then say “allright god, you have got to do this, not me”. then i hope that i would find myself in the middle of the amazon, desperately relying yet again on god’s grace. probably more than ever. and if i ever did do that, it would force me to rely on god more than i ever have. the task is one that is simply much bigger than anything i can handle. i am nothing without god.
t h e w o r l d r a c e i s n o t a l w a y s p r e t t y. we make it out to be. yes, the entire process is a beautiful one. i feel like a different person than i did 5 months ago. i still like the same things and i still laugh at stupid jokes, but my soul is being transformed (that ones on jesus). but being transformed is hard!!!! it hurts!!! growing pains, baby! i have seen things that i have never seen before. i hear stories of 4 year old kids whose parents are drug dealers, and they are basically left to fend for themselves. i listen to a man i befriended talk about how he feels as if he cant even talk to people because he doesn’t have enough value to speak. i hear people express how pain rooted in childhood trauma is still effecting them years later. it leaves an impact. my first thought when interacting with a stranger isn’t always to ask them about jesus. matter of fact, i rarely do that. sometimes i walk by homeless men on the side of the street and don’t awknowledge them. im not proud of it, but i don’t want to try and be someone im not. getting catcalled is awkward. sometimes people ask me about missionaries and i dont know what to say. communicating with people in other countries is hard. im sure i’ve offended people by doing something not culturaly acceptable. these are just some examples of things that i have experienced. they have lead to feelings of inadequacy and helplessness. i have to sit and ask the lord, “why did i get this life?” “why did i get this oppurtunity?” “what is my role in this?”
then theres social media which has this underlying pressure to make it look like you are putting yourselves in situations where you are defeating oppression and walls are coming down and everything is working out okay. but what happens when it doesnt workout? when you pray and pray for breakthrough and it seems as if circumstances just get worse. when you question time after time if the lord is even speaking to you and you arent just echoing your own thoughts. oppression is not pretty. its painful. there are people that live in houses made out of scrap wood and tin roofs for the entirety of their lives. they don’t do anything but sit outside that house during the day, simply because they dont have anything else to do. their reality is something that we have taken and skewed into some sort of escapable fantasy. guilty as charged, i do it too. i see pictures that other racers post, and it always seems like they are thriving. i think to myself “wow they are out there really making a difference, their stories are so beautiful” i do it almost subconsciously. dont get me wrong, i love social media, and i’m probably more addicted to it than i would like to admit. its fake !!!!! its messed up!!!!! i’ll say it!!!!! we like to make it look like we are thriving and that we are making big kingdom impacts and we see the fruit of ministry with our own eyes. but more often than not, i have been doing ministry where the product is simply planted seeds. the kingdom is advancing in baby steps through me. and i’m okay with that. i dont want to put on any sort of mask. God wants the most real versions of ourselves. he wants us to bring to him, everything. and i figure that if i can take all the broken and ugly parts of myself to him, i should definitely be able to take them to the people around me. so yes, ministry is hard and sometimes i fight with my team and sometimes i have a bad attitude.
BUT thats where jesus comes in! by grace an grace alone. behind all the instagram posts that potray beautiful stories of breakthrough is a battlefield. oppression is a battle. the armor to fighting oppression is laying down yourself and serving while being treated like a servant.
“for even the son of man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.” mark 10:45
its not nearly as easy as we make it out to be. its recognizing that jesus doesnt expect us to do it on our own. that was never his intention. its like he said to me, “kat im gonna put you here and work through you. you are just my vessel.” a broken vessel. thats all i am. all that i can offer is all of myself. all that i can do is find myself at his feet,,,relying on him because relying on myself is something that will inevitably fail me. trusting that he is working even when i dont see it. and he sees the literal grand scheme of eternity, something i will never see. and that he is steadfast. he works by whispering over us so quietly that it takes us time to even realize it was him. and he works by stopping us dead in our tracks. he can do it all!!!! all we can do, is recognize that the lord is the only one that can truly break down barriers.
“the thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; i have come that they may have life, AND have it to the full” john 10:10
god promises us right there that he can beat oppression and that oppression is not from him. the freedom for oppressed people is jesus. he reminds people that we are his most beautiful creation, and that is something to be reconed with. once we realize that we belong to him, everything else that seems to have a hold on us slips away because being his is something so precious. and its a process that i am still walking through myself. there are days where i feel defeated but i am always able to fall back on the fact that i belong to him, no matter the feeling, the circumstance, or the season. and thats the message i want people to hear. that they belong to a God whose love for them can defeat everything they have been burderned with. they belong to a god who picks up our burdens and says that we were never meant to carry them in the first place.
so, thank you jesus for your grace that carries me and allows someone like me to do an extremely medicore job of trying to share the slightest bits of your incomprehensible love with those around me.
