as we near the end of the race, i find myself looking a lot onto what has happened, and what is going to happen in the days to come. i rewind to the very first days of costa rica, how i felt, how seemingly naive i was, and so on. i go back to how my corner of the world was when i left it, the people, the town itself, my room. i think about how things will be when i go home, they will be different. people will be different, my room will be different, and i know one day i’ll be driving and see some buildings that did not exist when i left. just as the last 9 months of my life has added to my story, so have the last 9 months added to my friends and my family.
cedar falls will be different. i will be different. i spend a lot of time wondering about how im going to tackle the ‘perfect reimersion’ into my corner of the world that is cedar falls, iowa. and i think about how im going to fail, and im going to get sad. people aren’t going to want to hear about every detail of my time away, nor will i have the words to explain it. people generally don’t care about what they dont experience. i dont really expect people to care all that much about my trip, but i know that i will want to talk about it. i will find myself once again looking back at what once, on the race, where im living life with my only friends so they HAVE to understand and care about what i have to say because we are all experiencing things together.
though i haven’t considered myself to be ‘checked out’ lately, i do find my mind wandering to the day i get home. I LOVE THAILAND. and i love what i’m doing here. i love my team, and my squad. staying present and being in the now is something that is so crucial. im not claiming to be good at it because im not. its something that im trying to lean into in these last days on the race. pretty much everyday, i have atleast one conversation that either talks about our final flight to san francisco or life when i get home. i don’t think its bad to talk about those things, i mean it is coming fast. i still think to myself ‘oh i have two months’ but at this point, it’s less than that. some 48 days or something like that. AND WE STILL HAVE ANOTHER COUNTRY to go to.
God has gifted me with these next 48 days on the race. i know there is more to happen, because i know that God works far beyond what we can see. He has given me these next 48 days in Thailand and Myanmar to DO something, whatever it is that He has put infront of me. i want to live this life awake!!!! i don’t want to look at what is to come or what has been. for whats done is done and whats to come isn’t even guaranteed. and that is HARD to do. the truth of the matter is that i can ‘plan’ and attempt to ‘prepare’ for the transition home but i really dont think i’m going to know how to handle that situation until i’m there. so why do i exhaust myself thinking about it all the time ? i dont know. i really dont.
something i’ve learned is that the way we places matter!!!! you can only enter the next place as best as you leave the last. i think that this can apply to pretty much anything in life. if you leave a place, with bitter roots, chances are you will be hesitant to even start to grow roots in the next place you are at. we are human, we carry our experiences with us and let them effect how we behave in the present. i dont think thats necessarily bad, but it’s something to be aware of. a fear i have is looking back on these final days of the race and thinking ‘i really wish i would have done a little bit more’ or ‘i wish i stopped complaining sooner’. if i do, leave the race on that note, i think it sets me up poorly to go home. i will have to face the music that is: ‘i had an oppurtunity that not many people get and i wasted it and now i have to tell people that would LOVE to be in my shoes that i wasted it’. and that hurts to do. it would be a dishonor to God. i know that He has things infront of my for the next 40-whatever days. so im going. to. get. the. most. out. of. it. even on the days when i have bed bugs and the ac is broken and the showers are also broken so i have to use the ‘butt sprayer’ on the toilet to rinse off. :). but more importantly, on the days where my patience is running thin, i want to remember what a blessing this life is. i’m saying no to bitter roots. God has blessed me with these days and i want to walk them out with the FATTEST ~attitude of gratitude~. realizing that the life i go home to is the life that thousands of people pray earnstly for some small taste of, but its my reality. and the race, is something that i know SO MANY people at home would love to get the oppurtunity to do. remembering that the particular life i am given is such a freaking good one, and that this race something special, brings me to my knees about every time. and i hate that i take both of them for granted as much as i do.
‘He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end.’ Ecclesiastes 3:14
‘The end of a matter is better than its beginning, and patience is better than pride.’ Ecclesiastes 7:8
thank you for reading this, if you got that far, and i apologize for my lack of correct english and grammar.
love you!
