Loving can hurt
Loving can hurt sometimes
But it’s the only thing
That I know
And when it gets hard
You know it can get hard sometimes
It is the only thing that makes us feel alive
-“Photograph” by Ed Sheeran
These lyrics capture so perfectly what has been on my heart and mind as of late. I am currently in Costa Rica for our debrief, and it’s crazy to think that we are about to enter into Month 5 of this 11 month journey. I have come so far, yet I have such a long way to go.
Loving can hurt. Yes, that is true. But it’s the only thing that I know. That is also true. I have come to learn about myself more and more that I dive deep into investing into those around me, because that’s the only way I know how to do it. I don’t believe in shallow friendships or in half-loving someone. I dive deep because I long to know others and because I am a curious soul that loves people.
Nicaragua was a surprise for me. It was by far the most uncomfortable month yet as far as living conditions go, but it was one of the most rewarding. This was the first month that my team tented. We tented in April in Chichigalpa – Nicaragua’s hottest month and hottest region. Every morning, I would wake up in my dusty little tent and pray for strength from the LORD. Had I not been so adamant about praying without ceasing, my perspective and attitude about this last month would have been very different. Surrendering my uncomfortableness to the LORD allowed me to see beyond myself and love those around me.
I so enjoyed my time with my Nicaraguenses. They are beautiful and generous and humble. There Spanish is very, very different from mine (which is very, very Mexican), but I grew to appreciate the difference, and tried my hardest to try and understand them better.
My greatest joy of the month was my friend Nidia. Nidia is 11, and has four older brothers. She has a killer arm in baseball. She is extremely smart and wants to be a doctor someday. She knows more English then she lets on. She has a gorgeous smile. Nidia seemed pretty closed off at first, but for some reason, she gravitated towards me. We became pretty inseparable. My team could only marvel at the way she opened up to only me and no one else. One of my most prized possessions that I now own is a heart-felt letter from her where she opened up in a way that was so surprising, so daring, and so beautiful.
Near the middle of the month, I was hit with some sort of heat exhaustion and stomach sickness that had me pretty down. I had zero energy. I had no appetite – that’s when you know something is really wrong with me. My skin was hot and burning up, but I was in cold sweat. That night before bed, I gathered some items from my tent to shower and try to cool down my body temperature. As I got out of my tent, I saw a a figure walking towards me. It was Nidia. She was holding something behind her back.
“No me diras que no porque no es azul?” (You won’t tell me no since it isn’t blue?)
I asked her what she meant by that. She revealed an icy cold red gatorade that she had bought for me. She told me that she distinctly remembered me saying that the blue gatorade was my favorite, but none of the little tiendas had blue. She had asked around. She also remembered that I said how much I couldn’t stand the grape gatorade and how gross I thought it was. So she took a chance with the red.
I was speechless. Earlier that day, my team had told her to come back later because I was sick and couldn’t hang out. Knowing that I wasn’t feeling well, this girl that I hadn’t known for very long, who has such a tough girl exterior, had gone out of her way to do what she could to help me feel better. It touched the deepest parts of my heart. It was one of the most beautiful moments of this year for me.
Saying goodbye to Nidia was not easy. It wasn’t easy saying goodbye to Nicaragua in general because I had grown to love the people. Franco David, a little boy from the area, asked me why I couldn’t stay forever. Jesvic, one of Nidia’s close friends, said that he hoped that I would come back soon. I was overwhelmed by the love that I was given. I didn’t have to do anything to receive it. It was given to me freely.
A few days ago, we were leaving our ministry site at the crack of dawn, and my heart was heavy. Could I really take much more of this? My heart was breaking leaving these kids, especially Nidia. I wanted to be there to encourage her in school and talk to her. This girl grew to know me and would constantly write on pieces of paper: “Nidia y Katrina. Amigas para siempre. Friends Forever.” The gatorade incident was not the only time she went out of her way to bless me. There were countless times. There was one morning in particular that she hung out while we painted, and she said she could tell I was sad about something. My face apparently gave it away. The truth is, I kind of was. It wasn’t a huge thing, and I didn’t share it with my team, but she saw it immediately. I had found a kindred spirit in her.
LORD, are you going to keep blessing me with people like Nidia, just to snatch them away for me? Not just on The World Race, but in general? It’s not fair. I hate goodbyes. Loving hurts. It hurts to say goodbye.
To love. To be loved. To open myself up to dive deep, knowing that I can’t stay. Not knowing when or if we will meet again. It hurts, and I don’t like it. But it is a beautiful thing to be brave enough to love, knowing that pain will be waiting on the other side. So this kind of love… is it truly worth it?
Yes…
Because it is the only thing that makes me feel alive.
