What’s it gonna look like for me to experience abandonment this next year?
This is the question that stuck out the most to me during my one week at World Race Training Camp in Gainesville, Georgia. I remember writing it down quickly in my journal during one of the sessions. There was a lot of real talk during that week. They asked us to ask ourselves the kind of hard questions we would normally avoid: Am I ready to step fully into this next season? Am I ready to be fully present? Am I ready to deal with all of this?
Abandonment, was defined for us, as “the choice we make to leave things behind.” Here I was, making this choice to take 11 months of my life to do something completely different from anything I’d ever done. As exciting and confident as I was (and am) about this decision, I was feeling a deep sadness deep within me: I’m about to embark on a journey that will undoubtedly change the course of my life. I will not be the same woman when I return. I don’t even want to be. I want to be stretched and stronger and further molded by the Lord. But the truth is, I’m scared. I’m scared because I’m leaving home. It’s not like I haven’t had my fair share of time away from home before. But this time it’s different. This time, I don’t know what will come next.
Abandonment means a lot of things to me. It means letting go of people in my life, trusting that God has a plan for me, even if it is away from the people I love most. It means dealing with this fear of being forgotten back home. Truth is, life will go on for everyone else. Everyone is on their own adventure. As I leave to embark on my next chapter, I must remember that the only constant in my life is the LORD. Relying on anything or anyone else will result in disappointment and hurt.
Rich Mullins, who I reference a lot because the man had this unmistakable God-given talent for stringing words together in the most beautiful way to write the most honest music, has a song which has resonated so loudly with me recently. “Ready for the Storm” has these lyrics near the end that say:
The distance it is no real friend
And time will take its time
And you will find that in the end
It brings you me
This lonely sailor
And when You take me by the hand
And You love me, Lord, You love me
And I should have realized
I had no reasons to be frightened
Oh I am ready for the storm
Yes sir ready
And so I make this my prayer. The times that I may feel like a lonely sailor will only draw me closer to Him. In essence, that’s the main reason I am doing this, to get closer to Him. I draw strength from His love for me. And most importantly, I find hope in His promises that He will never, ever abandon me, even though I abandon everything I know.
He alone is my rock and my salvation, my fortress; I shall not be greatly shaken. Psalm 62:2 (ESV)
