I am fighting back tears.
It’s not because I’m not happy. I am truly loving my life, believe me.
I have felt the heaviness and weight of the world in such a deep and profound way this past week.
It’s the greatest mix of pain and love I’ve ever known. To see brokenness in our world but also love the world that the Lord has made. To love and grieve the broken.
Our first full day here in Pitesti, a group of us wandered down to the plaza and found a Starbucks (!!). As we sat and sipped our lattes, a man was sitting at a table right outside the window. He was most likely in his 60s or 70s and smoking. After a few minutes, two elderly women came up to him and started cleaning his hand. Huh? There was blood all over his palm and one of the ladies was wiping it up. Did she know him? Was she a stranger helping him out? How did he hurt his hand?
Is he alone?
That word, “alone” sunk low into my gut, pulling my heart into a deep sadness and longing. It hit me so hard for some reason. My soul breaks whenever it comes to full understanding of the word.
I don’t know that man’s situation at all. And I won’t ever know. But I saw and felt pain while also rejoicing in the love those women carried over to him.
~
A couple days later, our church hosted a youth group event. Kids flooded in from one of the neighborhoods in the city for worship and learning and fellowship. And amidst the group were a couple adults with developmental disabilities. One specific man had the biggest grin on his face and the strongest grip of a handshake I’ve ever experienced. He began speaking to me in Romanian (I actually experience this quite often lol) and I tried telling him I didn’t know what he was saying. A young boy ran over to me, “He doesn’t speak English. He’s a little…slow.”
“Thank you. I’m aware,” I explained to him. The man and I exchanged a few more smiles and then worship began. Kiddos were jumping and holding hands and twirling in circles. And apparently it was time for me to have my hair braided. As I sat there trying not to wince at my hair being pulled, I watched my new friend. He was at the very front of the group, right up next to the stage. And talk about worship! He jumped and clapped and never once took his gaze off the band.
And again, my heart broke and celebrated simultaneously. It broke because our world has brokenness in it. Our bodies do not always work as they were initially designed, and this is hard. It’s messy and filled with apprehension and mistreatment. But it also celebrated because this young man’s joy was completely free and unhindered by social awareness or lack of confidence. He rejoiced in our Savior completely uninhibited-the way we all should.
The tears welled up, and I can promise you it wasn’t from my intricately tight French braid. The beautiful and sorrowful clashed in front of me, and my soul felt it could not bear it.
~~
I’ve also recently found out about a lot of pain back home in the states. From cancer to death, the weight of the world’s dark reality hit me hard. How can life be so incredible, yet so so difficult?
I’m currently doing a bible reading plan with She Reads Truth. He’s an excerpt from the last segment I read:
“If we’re honest, we all feel unsatisfied with something in this life. From our personal lives to our politics, our world is grumbling and groaning…The world is broken. The effects of the fall reverberate in and around us because things are not as they should be…We were made for another world! In our heartbreak, discouragement, and righteous anger there is a yearning for the new heaven and new earth.”
Christ has reconciled us to God through His death on a cross! That’s my greatest hope. I know that we were made for a different world because of our current world’s iniquities. And in the midst of brokenness and heartache and loneliness and pain, there is a marvelous joy and love that I feel on an even deeper level. Because I believe with an unshakeable belief that God is good.
So I’ll let myself feel things and feel them deeply. I’ll let my heart break because it allows me to have space for love, joy and light to fill the cracks. And maybe I won’t always fight back the tears. I will feel from our world’s pit of despair to the highest of heights of joy and gratitude.
Because our God is good.
So if your heart breaks today because you see the pain of this world, good. We need to feel the pain to truly understand we were created for a world that is infinitely better than we can imagine.
“If the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead dwells in you, he who raised Christ Jesus from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies through his Spirit who dwells in you.”
Romans 8:11
That’s our hope, friends.
Pâna data viitoare!
-K
