I cant remember a time my heart felt heavier than these past few weeks. My imagination of what I thought the world would be like has been stripped. One of the realist times is whenever we want to go somewhere outside of our compound, we take these taxis called tuk tuks. During these rides, I don’t think I’ve ever thought more about people and the world. The surroundings while we drive are so beautiful and overwhelming, but while there is beauty here, there is even more heartbreak. I often find myself in despair at the end of these tuk tuk rides. So here I am, emotionally naked, in India, letting you into what my heart has been dealing with for this past month.
Even though I’m just watching person after person blur past me, I can pick out each face with a heavy weight displayed in their expressions. A few will slowly begin to grin or wave, but most times its just a blank stare. Along with the stares I hear words. I don’t speak their native language, but I understand these words that come from the faces I see and they scream out to me. My heart just breaks every time. Compassion grows in my heart for these people of India and its beginning to be deeply rooted inside of me.
About two weeks ago I rode in this tuk tuk in India with a few of my teammates. Driving in India can only be described as a rollercoaster that doesn’t have tracks. Its quite an exhilarating experience. Five of us squashed into this tiny little auto and began to drive to our destination. As we were driving, my eyes were glued to the atmosphere in front of me. We began to slow down, then finally came to a complete stop, I saw many beggars and street children on the corner of street.
As I was watching them from a distance, all the sudden a tiny girl popped up out of nowhere right next to me. Holding her wrist tightly, she was saying something to me in her language. I began to reach out to her, then she started to let go of her wrist to reveal her injury. Her skin was ripped off her hand and the open wound was infected with gang green. I was in shock at this child, barely clothed, dirty and hurting before me. The emotions of seeing someone, a human being, in that state affected me in a way I can’t even explain. She stood there and began to reach her infected hand out to me. I didn’t even care if she touched me with it, all I wanted to do in this moment was pick up this little girl, sit her in my lap, hold her close to me, and show love to her.
I began to reach out to her, but before I could do anything the driver of the tuk tuk began to yell at her, then pushed her out of the way and began to drive again. The pain completely wrecked my heart.
Every night since that tuk tuk ride, I’ve had a dream of a little girl, crying, just a few inches from my face. I try to touch her and pick her up but somehow I can never reach her. Even in the daytime that face will plague my mind until I’ve thought about the millions of others just like her. While I’ve enjoyed my time here in India immensely, it’s been so hard. I can’t stress enough how much this country needs prayer against this heavy oppression. Despite the kind smiles on their faces, there is a deeper struggle among these people. My heart will forever be burdened with the pain of what some here go through and live through.
What I just shared with you is a common theme when I’m talking to the Lord. Question after question and tear after tear, the Lord has been so patient with me. I’m not gonna lie to you, this month has been taxing on my soul, and through that the Lord has been meeting me in new ways. Whether through crying my eyes out on a bus ride, spending time just listening in His presence or calling out to Him at the top of my lungs, He has been there. Bringing comfort when the tears are flowing. Speaking words of truth to my tired heart. Promising to turn his ear towards my cry. He is faithful. I’ve been learning how sometimes as humans we have this separation of mind and heart, where we know the truth in our minds but lack to believe it in our heart. I know in my mind the truth of the Lords promises about these people and the pain they feel, but learning to believe in my heart has been one of the biggest things the Lord has been challenging me with. Some days are harder than others, when it all feels too lost and too far gone to even try to change anything.
What I’ve learned is I can’t expect to dramatically make a difference like I may have once believed but slowly, depending on the Lord, show the love and servanthood of Christ, change maybe one thought, one moment, or one person. The heart break is so worth a small and simple change. I believe with all my heart the Lord is a redeemer and deliverer, so I will be grounded in that truth as I see the world. Thank you, Lord.
-kp
