I wrote a blog this month while being in the bush and I had planned to post it once I got to debrief. I made it to debrief and I copied my blog, posted it into my website and was ready to share it, but something didn’t feel right. I sensed God wanting me to re-read it. Did I mess up my grammar somewhere, or spell a word wrong, Lord?
That blog was written on abandonment. At least what I thought at the time was abandonment, and in some way it was, but God was saying no. Honestly, that blog felt as though I was complaining about the loneliness and struggles that I felt internally. And while it’s okay to be honest and say that this month brought with it a lot of testing, what it really brought was breakthrough. I realize now that I had it all wrong.
Abandonment and loneliness are not the same thing. Abandonment and homesickness are not the same thing. Abandonment and fear are not the same thing.
I was confusing a very beautiful thing with many ugly things.
I like to define words, so let’s define abandonment: to leave completely and finally; forsake utterly; desert: to give up; discontinue; withdraw from: to give up the control of: to yield (oneself) without restraint or moderation.
Doesn’t it sound beautiful? Exciting? Freeing? Certainly, it doesn’t feel like it at first.
Coming into abandonment can look scary, and it can be confusing. At first it does look lonely, and you do desire comfort from things and people that you have always known. I have realized though that those things are not all that I need in life; God is all that I need in life. I must wake up every day and say no to myself.
Abandonment is not a state of physical being, it’s a lifestyle that you choose to live. And I have made a choice to live a life of abandonment to Him. I realized that from the moment you say yes to Jesus, you say no to yourself. At least, that’s how it should be. It shouldn’t have been when I started the Race that abandonment began, it should have begun when I dedicated my life to the Lord.
The good thing is that God has grace for me. And His plan for my life is good. He meets me in the abandonment. When I feel alone, he says “I will go before you, I will strengthen you,” Isaiah 45: 2-5. When I feel afraid, he says “Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze,” Isaiah 43.
I wrote in my journal this past month “save me from myself, God.” It is my desire to live Luke 9:23 and wake up daily, take up my cross, and follow Jesus. I want to become the likeness of Christ, and that only comes through modeling him and allowing him to change me into this new identity. So, I welcome this choice, I welcome a life of abandonment, I welcome the changes occurring this new season. He says that I am capable. He says that I am strong because He makes me strong, and that He loves me without measure and without end. And He says that I am not alone, even in abandonment He is still with me, because I am abandoning myself and walking hand in hand with Him.
Much love to you, dear reader,
Hope
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