December 21, 2016
What happens when you let your heart get too close to something or someone? Do you feel like you have made a mistake in doing so, causing yourself undesired pain? Or do you allow yourself to feel that pain and take it as a blessing from God?
Since being in El Salvador my team and I have been working in various ministries, one of them has been visiting with teen moms and their children. These moms are in a program that aids them with shelter and basic needs until they turn 18. A couple of weeks ago I walked in and there was a new little girl on the floor. For safety I will call her Boo, and because she is the real life Boo from Monsters Inc.
A couple of my teammates stopped in front of Boo as she sat on the ground with a pile of toys in her lap. They tried to make her smile, but their efforts failed. I stood watching them and thought to myself, “surely, there has to be something this child will laugh at!” When they walked away I got down on my knees and began my turn. Smiling wasn’t working, playing with her toys wasn’t working, but peek-a-boo…that was the trick.
“Peek-a-boo!” *giggles*
There we sat for another 20 minutes playing various little games and throwing her toys around. She got a kick out of me having to scoot around to gather all her bad throws; children love to watch big people look stupid. Nonetheless, I loved this kid. She reminded me of myself, sitting quietly all alone, choosing to only play with inanimate objects that couldn’t hurt her feelings, dawned in bib overalls, big brown eyes and a cheesy smile, and of course undeniably adorable.
She let me pick her up and from that day on when we walked in to visit I found my way over to Boo. I called her “mi chiquita.” I figured out where all her tickle spots were, what funny noises she would laugh at and which ones she would try to mimic. She would run around sometimes to get me to chase her, and then come back and plop herself down in my lap. She giggled and grinned at just about everything, and loved taking my sunglasses off my face and trying them on: she looks killer-cute in a pair of shades.
Today, we walked in to visit knowing it would be our last time with them. I spent a solid amount of time with her in the beginning of our visit, but then I let her play with the others for the remainder of our time there, only once in a while giving her attention. I mostly did this to allow myself time to let go of her, knowing that when I had to say goodbye later it would be easier for me if I had went ahead and let go of her some, and see her be happy and have fun with the long-term missionaries who would be back to visit her.
When it was announced that it was time to leave, I picked her up and held her tight. I let some of the others say goodbye to her, and then I walked her around to where her momma was. I walked slowly, looking at her and whispering to her, which made her smile. I whispered, “Te amo, babe. Dios te ama. Tu vida es muy especial. Te amo. Please don’t forget those things.”
I walked up to and hugged her momma, whom I will simply call Beloved. I asked one of our translators to tell them that it was our last time visiting. Beloved replied back that maybe we could leave together, both as a joke and seriously. See, there was some drama that happened that day with Beloved and another mom, and the center asked Beloved and Boo to leave.
My heart ached; I hid it well, but it ached. My girls, I love them. I thought I would be okay to leave them there in the safety of the center, but they weren’t going to remain there. That meant the local full-time team we were with would not even see them again, so I wouldn’t get updates or photos from them in regards to Beloved and Boo like I had hoped I would get once we leave El Salvador.
“God, why did I let myself fall in love with these two?” Because I needed you to. “But, God, anyone could have done this. Anyone else besides me. Why me? Why did I allow myself to feel this love that is now causing me pain?” Because only you could love them how I needed them to be loved. You might not see it now, but the love you gave was important, it was felt, and it will be remembered. You asked for me to break your heart for what breaks mine. The love and pain you feel is the love and pain I feel for them. I needed that love translated to them. “God that’s really ironic, you know? I don’t speak Spanish, how is it that you wanted me to translate love to them?” Love is best expressed in actions, Hope, not words. That is what my Son did.
It’s not possible for me to love Beloved and Boo near as much as Jesus does. His love for them, and for myself, is immeasurable. And while it is impossible for me to show that amount of love to them, or anyone I meet for that matter, that is what I’m called to do. I’m called to love, not change circumstances. Yes, through love I can help change people’s circumstances, but what needs to be first on my agenda is to love. Show humility and be love, even when it hurts.
I read recently that “tears are a sign of the Holy Spirits presence,” and as I have written this I have certainly shed many of those, but also sensed God’s closeness to me in this moment. He is a good God, He cares about what we care about, and He hurts when we hurt. Because I now know the importance of the love I have for Beloved and Boo, I have taken the pain I feel as a blessing from God.
How blessed I am to have met little Boo, and to have been a part of her toddlerhood. How blessed I am to have sat with Beloved and tried to get to know her through my broken Spanglish, forfeiting it for hugs and smiles instead. How blessed I am to be able to share this story with you, dear reader, and to garner as many prayers for these two beautiful daughters of God that you can possibly offer.
How blessed I am indeed.
Hope
Boo and I
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As always, thank you to my sponsors who, through their giving, have provided me this opportunity to be on the Race. This month has brought with it a lot of difficult, but very rewarding ministry. Without your financial support I would not have met Beloved and Boo.
With that, I would like to announce that I am just $39 away from hitting $13,000! My next goal after that is to be fully funded, which is a total of $4,000 more. The deadline for this goal is January 31st. God is able and I am so grateful for everything He has already done!
If you would, please consider making a tax-deductible donation to my mission this Christmas season. You can do so here on my blog by clicking the “Donate” tab. My only desire is to be fully funded, so I can continue this mission and no longer have to worry about finances. Thank you so much for your generosity! Donors will in return receive a personalized Christmas Gram that my teammate, Annie and I are doing for those that give this Holiday season. We will contact you in advance to ask what Christmas carol you would like done!
Muchas Gracias y Feliz Navidad!
