Well. Any doubts that lingered in my mind regarding committing to this seemingly impossible task are shaking in their boots. There is no coincidence in the timing of this open door.
My job is dissolving itself slowly, a clear end has not presented itself, but moves are being made. All of my most trusted coworkers are also being pushed out. A major expansion is coming, and I have been asked to move on to better things (not “let go” just encouraged to leave because, “(I) need to further (my) education and move to the clinical side”). I am making strides in therapy. My lease is up soon. Mentors I have come to love are moving away soon. My parents have graciously offered to take me in until I launch (also care for my sweet furry son Maslow, and plethora of plants in my absence).
It is scary to move forward. I have become comfortable in the little life I have created.
(wake up, pet Maslow, go to work, come home, pet Maslow, sleep, wake up, pet Maslow, go to work, come home, pet Maslow, water plants, sleep, wake up, go to work) I mean how can you not pet that? (sans allergies of course)
Isolating and traumatizing (work) as it may be. Familiar is the default. the safe option. Even if they know its slowly killing them. This is a principle seen in many situations. Commonly in choosing where to eat, or whom to talk to; more deeply/detrimentally in abusive relationships, trafficking, even animals being hit by cars. They’re all staying in or returning to the familiar.
Ultimately this is a longing to return to the most familiar place. The longing to return the “lungs” of God. Before He breathed His life into us. To return to a deep and complete closeness with the Father. To be completely known and loved. In Him.
When I applied for The World Race in January it was my THIRD application. Yep. Twice before I had stepped out in faith. Stepping towards something familiar. Missions. It’s been on my heart from a very young age. I’ve been on mission trips. I had 2 minors in college…. each to do with missions. It felt like getting rejected from the team senior year after being on varsity as a freshman (that hasn’t happened to me, but I think it would feel similar). I was disheartened, angry, bitter, and honestly offended. The World Race application is pretty in depth. Mostly about things that could potentially cause an issue on the field(wise considering how long the trip is). I contributed my rejection to focusing too much on the faults of a sinner who has been redeemed. It was frustrating to me due to the persona that I displayed to the world that had previously landed me missions opportunities abroad, and allowed me to participate in many different ministries locally.
It was humiliating, honestly (As I perceived humiliation at that time, I have received a bit of vocational education on the subject at my most recent job). Alas, I needed to be humbled. I was hurt, alas, I needed healing( and not just from the baby wound the rejection inflicted on my pride).
The experiences and insights I have gained, as well as simply existing on this earth since I first applied have made a vast difference on my perception of The World Race and the way in which they evaluate an applicants eligibility. It is clear to me that they are looking for seekers. For those willing to humble themselves and truly seek God first. I wasn’t ready at that point. They saw that. And I am grateful.
Because they said no I have…
Completed 3500 long distance miles on the Pacific Crest Trail, become a Residential Counselor, been excommunicated(a story for another blog), sought counseling, adopted a cat,and found a new community. Contained within these are stories of grace abounding, comfort in despair, light in darkness, and healing from mortal wounds. I cannot stress enough that God’s timing is perfect. And He is not manipulated by man, unconvinced by the whining of his children. He is a good father, who remains faithful to doing what is best for His children.
So here’s to stepping into the “familiar” things, even when its not anywhere I have been before. Familiar in the way that the things I am stepping into are from the Father, as am I. Trusting the Father to be faithful always, in whatever backwards looking timing He has. Leaning into the promptings of the Spirit, and seeking familiarity with Christ above earthly familiarity.
