What is the measure of a life? It is difficult to think of days as measured, numbered from the beginning. Not guaranteed, promised, or relied upon. When the expectation for life is that it will be lived out to old age we rob ourselves perspective and urgency. We lose appreciation in the expectation that life will be long, and rely on being able to do things or spend time when “it is more convenient”. When life ends abruptly we are left with a lot of unmet expectations. A lot of questions. And that’s normal. Grieving not only the death of a loved one but the loss of the expectations that were held of them is a natural response.
“The mind of man plans his way, But the LORD directs his steps.”??Proverbs? ?16:9?
These thoughts come in light of the rather sudden demise of my little roommate. He was a cat, yes. But he was the thing that made my household a family. He was inconvenient and it was perfect, our lives intertwined, dependent on one another. He was present in some of the darkest moments of the last year. The one catching tears in his fur and snuggling in for the long nights of sleeplessness, anxiety, insomnia, depression, nightmares.
My job and my personal life have laden me with multiple traumatic events in the past year. I have been a spectator to children processing heavy traumas and have in turn experienced secondary trauma. Become aware of some personal traumas that I didn’t know could be classified as such. Worked through many many difficult things with my counselor, coming to the present more aware of the work to be done, and healing to come than I have ever been.
“Remember my affliction and my wandering, the wormwood and bitterness. Surely my soul remembers And is bowed down within me. This I recall to my mind, Therefore I have hope. The LORD ’ S lovingkindnesses indeed never cease, For His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; Great is Your faithfulness.” Lamentations? ?3:19-23?
The death of Maslow has shown me that I am more in tune with my emotions and mental state than I have ever been, allowing me to actually begin processing his death rather than stuffing it and then having to work through it later when the depression and anxiety triggered by trying to hide instantly begin to bubble and tear their ugly heads, wreaking havoc on my life and my stability.
“For if He causes grief, Then He will have compassion According to His abundant lovingkindness. For He does not afflict willingly Or grieve the sons of men.”Lamentations? ?3:32-33?
This rather sudden season is a lot of re-evaluating my position and relationship with myself and with God. He doesn’t need me. He is more than capable of anything without me. Accepting my position as chosen and loved rather than as a slave to be abused and submissive to the abuse. Obedience is a consequence of acceptance not a prerequisite for acceptance. I am already accepted. Already adopted. I am not called to be in an abusive controlling relationship with the Father. He never intended that, he doesn’t want that. I don’t need to be misused by the church to be obedient. My life given to Christ is all that is asked of me. And it is. So why do I feel as if I have to meet the standards set out by men? ( This rant brought to you by a victim of legalism in the church)
This time of grieving is a time of self reflection, deciding who I want to be and taking steps to be her. Building a life I actually want to live because wanting to live is something I struggle with. And I want to have the desire to live. To live at peace with those around me, with the earth and with myself.
It will be a process that takes time as thoughts, intentions, and truths from scripture soak into my soul. Living a life with expectations in step with the Spirit seems to be the direction I’m headed, however that looks.
I do ask that you all continue in prayer for my workplace as we are carrying on. That my coworkers and I would be vigilant of our interactions outside of work so as to keep one another and the kiddos safe. That the virus would not permeate the facility. As well as pray for my journey through the process of grieving the death of my companion and the loneliness that creeps in on the long nights after a rough shift.
“As for me, I shall call upon God, And the LORD will save me. Evening and morning and at noon, I will complain and murmur, And He will hear my voice. He will redeem my soul in peace from the battle which is against me, For they are many who strive with me. God will hear and answer them” ??Psalms? ?55:16-19?a
