I have found myself thinking about history. History of the world. History of my life. Each of the histories being lugged about by the people who surround me. Each human being holding a vast array of stories waiting to be told. I think of the weight of my own history. And wonder the weight of the histories that pass by me each day. What stories would be told with just a simple question.
There is a kid that I work with who has been struggling with their identity being rooted in their history. They say that they cannot be anything but what their history tells them they are.
This broke my heart. I was reminded of the many years, and many long nights I have spent being eaten alive by thoughts in the same vein. What if all of the terrible things said to me throughout the years are true. What if I am destined to be the product of all of my darkest secrets. The thought sickens me.
It is a hopeless thought. To be trapped by things that no longer describe you. Identified solely as a collection of attitudes and circumstances often out of your control.
I find that more often than not history repeats itself. I am annoyed by this mostly due to a deep desire to learn from my mistakes. Why do I repeat mistakes?
Alas there is nothing new under the sun, and we are bound to struggle with the same thing many times over.
I have been through periods of waiting, having plans postponed. I have struggled through them. Wanting answers and not waiting as patiently as I would like to say I had. I have been angry and bitter in the waiting. Wasting time and wishing for the future.
I come to this place again as history has repeated itself.
The World Race has been postponed until October 2020. Something I am honestly not surprised by. The COVID 19 situation has been looming heavy in my mind. I am simultaneously relieved and disappointed. Faced with upset plans, decisions to be made, and time to pass.
There is a time for everything. I believe that this is a time for me to prepare. I have been feeling the pressure as the time for me to quit my job and move home drew close. Panic was a routine emotion. Everything is happening so fast. With COVID 19 upsetting the health of the general population, my workplace reacting and adjusting to the CDC’s regulations, I was scared. I am still a little scared. But the fact of the matter is I know who is in control and so I have peace.
I am relieved to hear of this space for further growth and preparation for the race. I know that God works with souls in all conditions. Yet I am grateful that he has allowed more time for the healing taking place in my life to continue before launching.
I have been allowed these margins for growth and deepening of roots several times in my lifetime. I have frequently squandered the time, seeing its value only after the fact. This time of waiting I am committing to using the time wisely. Pining away wishing for the future to be the present is no longer something I wish to be a slave of. My history doesn’t define me, nor does it dictate my reaction when faced with similar circumstances.
I am grateful that though the needs are many, the time I can set aside for prayer is increased due to my quarantine. I challenge you to set aside time during your time at home to pray. It is the most effective thing we can actively do at this time. Stay home and pray.
I ask that you join me in prayer for wisdom for the leadership of Adventures in missions. For peace in the hearts of myself and my teammates as we process through delayed plans and the life changes needed to accommodate that delay. Pray for those battling the virus. Especially for those continuing work on the front lines, in both hospitals and grocery stores. For those out of a job in this time of crisis.
I will be keeping you all in the loop as things progress and more information becomes available. As of now, things are simply postponed.
