I worked out on the roof this morning before our last day of ministry. That’s how I start most days here— some simple, quick exercises to wake me up and get my body and mind ready to serve and share the Gospel. I see the city of Bangkok before me up there, sometimes under cloudy skies and sometimes under sunrises, and I hear the traffic whistles and the hum of motorcycle engines and the rattle of songthaews and old buses driving by.
At the start of the month, when I’d work out on the roof, planks and wall sits were hard for me (at home I’m a runner!) My body would shake and I’d want to stop, but I kept going. I realized at some point that those exercises that challenged me at the start of the month weren’t so hard anymore. I can get through a 30 second plank, easy. I don’t remember a specific day that suddenly I was able to do that, but over time, looking back at the contrast, I see the growth.
That’s how Jesus has been changing my heart for ministry too. At the start of the month, I’m going to be honest, ministry scared me. Our first Sunday we went to church in downtown and coming back, our team leader Joe struck up a conversation with our Grab driver (Grab is like Thai Uber). Our driver was Buddhist, with a little Buddha statue on his dashboard and offering flowers hanging from the rearview mirror. Joe started telling him how we were here from America because we loved Jesus and how Jesus had changed his life. He talked about how God loves us all and how we believe that His one truth is really true. Our driver kept nodding and saying, “same, same.” He was noticing the similar truths of love and selflessness in religion, but with the language barrier Joe had trouble communicating much beyond that to the true Gospel. And I just sat there in that backseat, feeling sick to my stomach, wondering why in the world Joe wouldn’t leave this poor Buddhist man alone and let him live his own faith. He was fine without Jesus, right? He had his own religion and beliefs. To share the Gospel felt insensitive.
That night our team had debrief time on the roof. I talked about that encounter and how it felt so disrespectful to share our religion with someone who already had a faith— and of course I felt silly, because I came to do ministry, but I was terrified when confronted with the reality of what that meant. My team reassured me that really, this is what we are called to do, to share the name of Jesus here because less than 1% of Thailand knows the Gospel and the beautiful plans Jesus has for them beyond this. But in complete honesty, I didn’t want to share that. I didn’t want to risk seeming rude or obnoxious or inconsiderate.
I can’t pinpoint an exact moment where that changed. Ministry scared me so much, even in those first days of ATL. I just pushed through. And then at some point, I was in Lush with my team at the mall and we ended up sharing the Gospel spontaneously to Alice, one of the workers there. It just came up in conversation so randomly and perfectly. Paige was there in that conversation with me, and later she asked me if I was good at memorizing stuff. I’m not— not word for word. But she told me that in that conversation I was quoting Scripture, and I have no recollection of this, but apparently somehow I did that. Or rather God did through me. He shared His heart to Alice through us.
Sharing the Gospel terrified me at first. But Jesus changed my heart, little by little, and now it’s all I want to do. Every person I see here, I just want to ask, “have you met Jesus??” I want them to know His love and mercy in the way He’s showed me and my team. I want them to know how deeply treasured and known they are to Him. And while that is not the question I lead with, and often the time’s not right to ask it, it’s always in the back of my mind. I smile and I chat and I share some joy simply and when I can, I tell people that we’re here because we just love Jesus. That’s it. That’s all that matters.
It’s not like there was a specific moment where that changed. It’s not like Jesus did some revolutionary before-and-after transformation in my life. It’s not like I saw anything supernatural; it’s not like I healed people or spoke in tongues or anything crazy. It’s not like I had a crying breakdown and emerged with this knowledge that Jesus loved me. But little by little, I fell more and more in love with Him. Little by little, I learned to look forward to reading my Bible and to seek out time spent in the Word. Little by little, He changed my perspective, until all I want is to shout it in the streets that Jesus is Lord and that He just wants to bring all of us home to His Kingdom.
In high school, I put so much of my identity in achievement, even as I fought to put my faith in Christ alone. This month has given me a community where I am valued for nothing I can do, accomplish, or bring, but just for being who God made me to be. That’s how Jesus wants to use me as I return home. Yes, I’ll be doing school stuff, working hard, striving to accomplish, but I see now how much more there is, and how my whole identity really is just as a girl who loves Jesus. That’s all I want to be. That’s all I am here, and I feel so incredibly alive just to share His love with everyone I meet here as nothing but a child of God.
Like my rooftop workouts, I can’t place a moment that I got stronger. It happened over time. Growth always does. And looking back, seeing the contrast between that Grab and how I feel now, I can’t believe how much has changed in only a month. I can’t believe how much more in love with Jesus I am now. I can’t believe how much He’s done or how much He has yet to do, especially as I come home in a few days. All I know is that He is such a big and incredible God, and somewhere along the way, He made me stronger to stand and praise Him. He truly is so good.
