This blog has been a long time coming and life has been crazy, but I’m so super stoked to finally share it with you guys!! This is pretty vulnerable stuff, so getting up the guts to finally write it was a struggle but hallelujah the time has come!
The Father is so good you guys. It floors me how he fights our battles for us and calms our fears simply by sitting in His presence. About two months ago, I was struggling IMMENSELY with shame. Not guilt– Shame. The difference is always in the root. Shame originates from the enemy, convincing us we ARE the sin that we committed, causing us to shrink back in fear every time we come to the Lord or to close friends with what we’ve done. Guilt comes from the Holy Spirit, and it convicts us–not out of fear, but out of LOVE. I’m slowly learning to discern the difference between the two.
Anyways, the weight of this shame was heavy on my heart. It was exhausting always feeling like I had something to hide, all from a single moment that I lied about something in fear of not being enough: not good enough, not righteous enough, not spiritual enough. Looking back on it, I really do laugh at myself because I mean, no one is good or spiritual enough. All our righteousness is like dirty rags! I KNEW this truth and I knew that I was who my Father said I was, but in a moment of vulnerability the enemy can scream lies at us, and if we aren’t on guard, we start to believe him.
Lately the Lord has just been imprinting this song into my heart. It’s called “Defender,” and I’m going to put the link to it at the bottom because I truly do believe there are people who NEED to hear it sung over them. This song would come on a playlist or youtube, sometimes TEN times a day when I was deep in a battle with this shame. One of my favorite lyrics says:
“You go before I know that You’ve gone to win my war
Your love becomes my greatest defense. It leads me from the dry wilderness
And All I did was praise // All I did was worship // All I did was bow down // All I did was stay still”
I mean COME ON PEOPLE!! All this time, I had been banking on myself to win this battle with shame, when all I had to do was lay it at the feet of Jesus. Let Him fight for me.
This one morning I was reading in 1 Kings. Elijah has just been threatened by Jezebel and even though he has seen God come through for him countless times, he runs in fear. But God doesn’t become angry at Elijah for being afraid. He literally meets Elijah in the wilderness that he ran himself into, gives him food for strength, and leads him to Horeb, the mountain of God. There, He tells Elijah to go stand on the mountain because He, the Lord, was about to pass by.
“Then a very strong wind blew. The wind caused the mountains to break apart. It broke large rocks in front of the Lord. But the Lord was not in the wind. After that, there was an earthquake. But the Lord was not in the earthquake. After the earthquake, there was a fire. But the Lord was not in the fire. After the fire, there was a quiet, gentle voice.” 1 Kings 19:11-12
When Elijah hears the voice, he shrinks back in fear, expecting to be destroyed, I suppose. But the Lord simply says to him, “Elijah, why are you here?” It amazes me how God reminds us who He is. He shows Elijah his power in the wind, earthquake, and fire, but that’s not how he speaks to us. He speaks in gentleness and love.
After this moment, Elijah is no longer afraid or ashamed of his fear. He runs back the same way he came and does exactly what the Lord tells him to. The same thing happens when we run to God with our shame. He doesn’t reprimand us. He calms all our fears in his presence.
The morning after I read this, I just worshipped. I stopped striving. And in that moment, I heard this word so sweetly come to my mind. It was a word I’d been avoiding out of fear: Confess. But the thing was, I wasn’t afraid anymore. I felt bold, empowered, ready. So I did exactly that. I’m learning that you don’t have to tell everyone, but you do have to tell SOMEONE. I don’t know if I’ve ever felt so free as I did in that moment following confession. It was liberating!! The enemy had nothing to hold over my head anymore. And can you believe that all I did was stay still?
In love and gratitude,
KT
“Stop fighting and know that I am God! I am the one who defeats the nations. I am the one who controls the world.” Psalms 46:10
