It’s been two months exactly. Quite a lot has happened since you last heard from me. I live in Quito, Ecuador. My parents came to visit me for a week and do ministry with me (yay!). I am living on a mountain (where the air is quite thin) working specifically at a ministry called Dunamis, which seeks to bring young girls and women out of sex trafficking, provide for them a home, and through the sweet love of Jesus, give them a hope and a future. If you know me at all, you know my heart is on FIRE for this ministry. My whole freaking heart is here.
The only catcher is, the 11 acres that Dunamis has purchased for these girls is not quite ready for them yet. There is a giant wall that is being built around the entire property, designed to keep girls in and pimps out, that is not finished yet. There are cement blocks, random nails, wood planks, and random trash scattered around the property that still need to be cleaned up. There are still pavers that need to be laid up to the house. There are still girls’ rooms that need to be painted and prayed over. Therefore, my squad is in the business of preparing a place for these girls. Manual labor from 9am-12:30pm and then 1:30pm-5pm, 5 days a week. It’s exhausting, but worth it a million times over.
Believe me when I say that I LOVE this work I’m doing. I mean I really really love it. When we first arrived at Dunamis at the beginning of March, we were told girls would be coming in either April or May. My squad is in Ecuador until June 2nd. We were also told that after our first month at Dunamis, there was a possibility that one of the teams from my squad could be placed at Dunamis while girls were there, doing relational ministry with them for the remainder of our two months on the race. I was full of hope and expectation that the Lord could have plans for my team to be at this ministry.
Here’s the thing: before I came on the Race, I was already extremely passionate about ending human trafficking and ESPECIALLY passionate about women in sex trafficking. I know the Lord knows this about me, and I honestly had expectations of working directly with girls at least once while on the race. In Thailand, another team was placed in the red light district. Never once did I walk those streets and see the injustice for myself. In Malaysia, we had outreach on Wednesday nights where we would go into the streets and talk to people, love them, and pray for them. Another group was chosen to go into the red light district every Wednesday night and meet/pray for prostitutes. It seemed as though I was always *this* close to seeing the Lord fulfill the desires of my heart, but always missed the cut.
Side note: I KNOW this last paragraph sounds, well, kinda entitled and bratty. Haha. Believe me, every time I bring this to the Lord, I usually start off by saying, “Hey Jesus, I know this is incredibly selfish of me, but…” And the truth is, I’m not writing this just to vent to you guys. I’m writing this because I know I’m not the only one who has experienced this disappointment before. Yes, I said disappointment, because the truth is, it’s okay to be disappointed in the Lord. I’m learning it’s pretty much impossible not to be at times. I also know that my pain does not even come close to comparing to the pain that some of you have experienced when it comes to waiting for promises to be fulfilled. I have spent nights crying on roofs, yelling at the Lord for dangling things in my face, and I know I haven’t experienced even a quarter of the depth of pain some of you have. Whether it’s a baby, a marriage, a job, or healing that you’re hoping for, I see you. I see your pain and your disappointment and your longing, and I justify it. For everything you’re feeling, I justify it. I hope you know the Lord justifies it too. He sees every broken heart for what it is. He actually feels the depth of pain you feel, and actually even deeper than you do.
Last week, my squad had a debrief in downtown Quito after our parents went back home. We also found out what ministries we would be doing for the remainder of our two months. As it turns out, none of the teams from my squad will be returning to Dunamis once girls arrive. I will instead be an assistant teacher at a high school for the remainder of my two months on the Race. And once again, the disappointment hits. Except this time, it hits a little deeper. Because now, there is no longer the hope of “maybe next month” or “maybe in the next country.” Nope. This is it. And as much as I hate the way it feels, I refuse to bypass where my heart truly is. I will not tell the Lord that it’s okay, because I don’t feel okay. I will tell the Lord that I’m disappointed, because that is the truth.
I talked to my sister yesterday; turns out the Lord is teaching us a lot of the same things (as He does). She said something that truly hit me hard. She reminded me that bitterness is the result of disappointment unacknowledged, stuffed down. When we are afraid of being disappointed in the Lord, we tend to act like we aren’t. And so we stuff our feelings and subconsciously harden our hearts for the next time around until we are just all around bitter, indifferent humans. Our hardened, ugly hearts on display for everyone to see.
When we become bitter, our hearts become unmalleable (that’s not even a word but its what I’m going with). The Lord can no longer mold us into His image.
Something else my sister told me is that lately, her worship has been simply giving the Lord her most honest prayers. Because believe it or not, that’s what he truly wants from us. To be honest with him about where we are and to ask Him where he is. Being disappointed doesn’t automatically mean I don’t trust Him or love Him with everything in me. That’s the beautiful tension of knowing and walking with the Lord.
So here’s where I’m at: Disappointment will come. Hurt will come. Confusion will come. Fear will come.
“But now I live with the confidence that there is nothing in the universe with the power to separate us from God’s love. I’m convinced that his love will triumph over death, life’s troubles, fallen angels, or dark rulers in the heavens. There is nothing in our present or future circumstances that can weaken his love. There is no power above us or beneath us—no power that could ever be found in the universe that can distance us from God’s passionate love, which is lavished upon us through our Lord Jesus, the Anointed One!”
Romans 8:38-39
For every moment you’ve ever been disappointed, the Lord has plans to either a) redeem that moment, or show you what He was doing all along.
“I remember my affliction and my wandering, the bitterness and the gall. I well remember them, and my soul is downcast within me. Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, or his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, “The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.” The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him; it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord. It is good for a man to bear the yoke while he is young. Let him sit alone in silence, for the Lord has laid it on him.Let him bury his face in the dust—there may yet be hope.”
Lamentations 3:19-29
My sweet people at home: I will see your beautiful faces in the blink of an eye. Seriously, time keeps on slipping, slipping into the future. I’m learning how to stop holding onto time so tightly and instead hold onto sweet Jesus and just take it all in. You are all the realest homies and i love you dearly. PLEASE reach out to me and let me know how you’re doing. I really really wanna know.
In love and gratitude,
KT
